10 years ago, I was a college drop-out making 9 dollars an hour under the table at a shitty computer repair shop as a repair tech. I suffered from social anxiety (though I didn’t know it at the time). Lived in a one bedroom apartment with my third girlfriend, who is now my wife. I was insecure, and scared of being alone (meaning without a partner and also just being by myself in social situations). Only ever had 2 other girlfriends, both long term (each around 3 years, and they were back to back, maybe a month in between). No other sexual partners and I lost my virginity at a very late age (20) to my first girlfriend. I was weak, and ate crappy food all of the time. I hid in my computer games. Addicted to WoW and Everquest. Lived off of credit cards and debt. I was 25 years old, and yet I was still a child. I drank a 6-pack nearly every Friday night. I met my wife during this phase in my life.

Today, I work in IT in a senior position. I make 85k a year at a stable company, despite having no degree. I have my own office, and no boss. I am self-directed. I am a team lead. I went to therapy and have overcome my anxiety issues. It’s been a long road, but I am now very independent and completely comfortable with myself and being alone and/or in the spotlight in just about any situation. My wife and I own a house. I have an amazing 3 year old boy and I married the girl I met when I was 25. I am fit, I eat a healthy diet and I know exactly what I am putting into my body, calorie-wise and nutrient-wise. I have been lifting weights and doing cardio and enjoy mountain biking as a hobby for a few years now. I am the fittest I have ever been in my life. I was always skinny but now I have a defined body and I am strong. I still enjoy the occasional craft beer, but I drink with nowhere near the frequency or quantity that I used to. I continue to grow as a person and strongly believe in constant improvement and always bettering myself. Incidentally, this is how I came across MRP, and the reason I started reading all of the suggested books.

I still have work to do. I know that will always be the case. We are still saddled with credit card debt and student loans due to our past, and struggle to pay it off, despite making over 100k a year as a household and having a strict budget, a modest 1400 sq ft home, and 2 used late model cars that are both paid off. Our house needs some work yet we cannot afford it due to the credit card debt.

I feel like I do not have enough time in my day, even though I have a modest workload (40 hours a week for the most part) and a relatively short 40-minute commute. I go to work, I come home and spend time with my son, and then I work out or mountain bike when he goes to sleep. Adding just about anything else is a struggle, and the household things pile up quickly. The lawn, the repairs, just keeping things tidy, etc… it all builds up. The wife works two days a week, and then needs another 4 hours or so (which she takes on Saturday mornings, while I spend time with my son) to do work related paperwork. She struggles to keep up with her part of the housework due to the challenges of keeping a 3 year old occupied throughout the day. I don’t fault her for that, and I do as much as I can to help, which admittedly, is really not that much.

Now the tough part. I love my wife. She’s a good person, and I’m lucky to have her. But our sex life has been on a steady decline for years. She’s always had a lower sex drive than me. She has anxiety issues which she is working on with professional help. She has let herself go quite a bit, and has gained weight. She has no interest in exercise, or in any kind of healthy eating. She is exhausted all the time, and has no interests other than watching TV late at night and raising our child. I feel like the more I grow as a person, she goes in the opposite direction. We have never been very affectionate or touchy feely people, but there is rarely any kind of affection between the two of us. When I initiate a hug or a kiss randomly, it’s always “that’s weird” or “you just want to get laid” type of stuff. I know this is my fault and I have been working hard to up my “Alpha” game and using strategies and techniques in the books I’ve read to correct this. I just feel very… unfulfilled. I don’t want to say that I’ve outgrown her as time has gone on, but sometimes it feels that way. She has been a huge part of the growth I have achieved and she has always pushed and supported me to overcome my challenges.

I now feel like I missed out on so much in my teens/20’s due to my anxiety and poor upbringing. Now that I am such a different person at 35 I feel like I still have time to go out and experience life and have fun and “sow my wild oats”, but then another side of me tells me that I cannot because I need to give my son and wife a good life, and it doesn’t matter what I want. I’m conflicted and I struggle internally with these conflicting thoughts every day. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way.

I’m not sure what to do to change my outlook on the situation. I will sacrifice my feelings of satisfaction or contentment because I want my son to have a good, stable life and family (which I did not have a child). I just want to know what I can do to cope with what my life has become, how to find happiness in what I have. I should be grateful, and in a way I am because of how far I’ve come despite where I started from, but I feel like I am missing out on something big here. I feel like I can do better and that I should be in a better emotional place than where I am right now. I will continue to improve myself to the best of my ability, but I feel like it’s really only for my son’s benefit at this point, and that it doesn’t matter what emotional state I live in.

Do I just remain stoic and accept my life as what it is? Or can I find true happiness and contentment with what I have now? If you've gotten this far thanks for reading.