"Sir, the shit tests are having no effect!"

"FIRE FULL ARSENAL!"

 

This is what I imagine was being said in the war zone that was going on inside her head. Such a dramatic display over such a small issue. So I dropped her car off at the shop to get an oil change the day before and tell them to have it ready by 6pm tomorrow because the wife has to take it to work. 5pm rolls around and the car is ready. We usually eat at 530.

 

"So are we going to get the car before dinner?" she asks.

"No, after" I say.

"After?"

"After."

 

A short answer confirms that you have the plan, but she doesn't need it explained to her. It's also a waste of breath to do so as you'll see in a second. The shop is on the way to her work. She usually leaves at 6:10, we'll take the Jeep with the kids to get it, she'll take car to work, I'll take kids home. Dinner is being plated...

 

"You know I have to pick up my friend too right? We should have gone before dinner, there's no way we'll make it. I don't know why you waited."

"It's under control."

 

The testing starts, and quickly ramps up. She is unsure I have the ability to work even the simplest of plans. This should be expected for unpluggers because this kind of confidence is new. Another short answer confirms that I've got it even with the curveball. Her friend lives close. As long as we leave by her regular time, the shop is on her way to work so picking up someone isnt an issue. A minute later...

 

"Why did you wait so long? Where are you going to sit? Why did you have to do this today when I work?" (She's starting to look visibly angry...it's 5:40)

"We have a 4 door Jeep."

"Yeah me driving, my friend and 2 kids...1,2,3,4."

Me smirking "and in between the kids? And the back has space"

 

The tests are starting to become illogical...my weakness as I don't handle stupidity well. It's a large vehicle with room between the kids' seats and room behind them as well. I explained part of the plan here, which didn't calm her a damn bit (remember that reference earlier about explaining?) Maybe i should give a 'look here's the plan...' explain it all...make her feel safe! Whoa there hoss...get out of here and take that blue horse you rode in on. When women start flying off the handle they've basically gone all-in. No amount of explaining short of her actually seeing the plan work will stop it because to stop the shit tests now will be admitting defeat on her end. Stay confident and STFU. So now the guns are really starting to unload. It's 5:45...

 

"I can't believe this I can't even finish dinner, we're going to have to rush the kids out..."

 

More things were said by her but I started blanking on what they were. I was sitting there thinking 'this bitch. Here I am doing her a solid (man's job but still...) taking care of maintenance for her for HER car, got everything figured out and she's bitchin at me for it.' I wanted to blue pill out and say 'you know what, you can handle this in the future'. I didn't. Doing so almost admits that you feel you cant handle it or her bitching. I could have gone hardcore and said 'you're being a bitch, knock it off'. I didn't. Had it gotten to the level where i determined thats what was needed i would have. What did I do? I LAUGHED. I was staring at her with a giant grin chuckling to myself as she bitched because AWALT and the knowledge that this is a test is going through my head. Pure amused mastery, I'm not trying to be funny, I'm not faking it, this shit is hilarious. So it's 5:50. She's gotten up without finishing dinner in a huff, cleaning up her dishes. Me and the kids are still sitting and eating. A minute later and she's taking the kids and getting shoes on to get in the car in a rush. I'm still sitting and eating. She's walking out the door with the kids as I finish my dinner, get up, dishes in sink, and out the door. It's 5:55.

 

We get her friend and the car and she rolls out of the parking lot at 6:10. You're welcome babe, enjoy getting to work early. The blue pill me rears his ugly head 'send her that in a text, that'll show her.' Get back into that cave I threw you in bluey...she will learn through continued example who the captain is, that when he has a plan he has a fucking plan. Through the power of covert communication, the language of women, she will slowly internalize this over the next day and see that shit really did work out and her being venomous was worthless. And someday in the future she'll trust me completely and they'll be no more bitching.....WRONG. They'll always be bitching, but as she learns that her man has a plan, it'll likely happen somewhat less often.