I posted up why guys should learn how to partner dance a couple months or so ago which you can refer to if you like for some more general information. If guys find value in me expanding on more specific aspects of dancing with a partner and its relevance to TRP then I’ll add some more as ideas perk up in my mind.

For background I took my first salsa/bachata dance class about 9 months ago (just after starting TRP), before that I was not a capable dancer in any respect. I did the typical up down bob at the bar and stepped on my wife’s feet during both of my weddings. Likely most guys here are somewhere close to that skill level.

I could write a post all about what frame is in the context of dancing and how it relates directly to frame in a relationship but for now the short story is it’s the structure you present and maintain during a dance. Its how you hold your body and how you hold/move your and your partner’s body. I’m going to expound on how you move your body as the lead (man) in relation to the follow (woman) when dancing and ultimately life.

Pretty much every type of dance has a foundational basic where you move in a set pattern either forward and back, side to side etc. It’s the simplest form of the dance but after a short time it gets fucking boring especially for the follow who is just following you. Think of this movement like the rut we get into when we aren’t striving for excellence and the boredom she eventually experiences as hypergamy making her think dancing with someone else would be better (she’s probably right). The goal when your dancing as in life is to be challenged, have fun, connect with your partner and really prove your worth as lead.

So as a lead you need to be going somewhere, you need to be making something happen. The problem is deciding where to go and going there in a way your partner can read your actions. In dance as in TRP, STFU is the foundation for communication, we communicate primarily with our actions. We don’t negotiate with our partner which way were going to go next (imagine this on the dance floor), we don’t use ultimatums demanding she spin or else this dance is over, nor do we constantly explicitly tell them every move we plan to make and what we want them to do as we’re doing it (micromanagement) we just go. The key is that we must move in a way that tells the follow what we expect of them next.

Here’s how we communicate where we’re going next while maintaining frame in dance.

  1. Maintaining frame. We never want to break our frame. Yes, everyone loses frame from time to time, but the conscious goal is to maintain it. Keeping your frame is vital because it allows your partner to recognize your lead. If your frame is shit and your all over the place, she has no fucking clue what is happening when you go to make a move. This is why it so foundational for TRP because it communicates that you have a baseline, you have your own shit together you aren’t a liability. Ultimately you are showing by your actions and posture that you are high value.

  2. Leads decide where we are going to go next before we go. If I’m dancing in a basic with my follow and I want to turn, spin her, spin myself etc. I decide to do this before I do it. If you don’t know what you’re going to do next then your execution of your next move will be shit, you’re likely to lose frame and your partner will begin to get frustrated. Lead the relationship, have a plan at the very lease know where you are going next.

  3. We communicate with our body what’s next before we move, in other words we prepare ourselves in a way that the follow can read us, see it coming and be ready to move at the right time. You calmly prepare for what’s to come next displaying to your partner “hey something is about to happen”. In dance there are often specific cues for what’s coming next, just like in life. This is like Kino and flirting is to sex. I’m not going to get into a ton of detail on this, you know and if you have specific questions you can ask.

  4. We execute boldly. When its time to turn, spin, whatever as a lead we go when its time to go. Something important about point 3 above is that we don’t prep or move half assed, we are all in. If I’m second guessing or worrying that my partner’s not going to move with me, I’m right away losing form and sending mixed signals. Key to this is to keep it simple, don’t over communicate and don’t flinch just go. Don’t let shit tests throw you off your path and don’t let fear that a shit test is coming throw you even if you are afraid.

  5. Minimum necessary force. If I’m going to spin my partner, I set it up and I move her through the spin with as little lead or effort as possible. Just enough to tell her what’s happening and offer her support, so she doesn’t lose balance. You don’t forcefully grab her and throw her into a spin, she’s not going to like that and its way too much work for you. Nobody likes an overbearing prick.

  6. When we fail items 1-5 we don’t stop dancing. Everyone fucks up, we all lose frame and we all make mistakes. The dance isn’t over because you or your follow missed a cue, you keep on dancing. One mistake I have repeatedly made is was when I fucked up, lost the timing etc I would just stop and try to regroup or just give up, you must get past this if at all possible and learn to let it go and keep dancing. Maybe your partner goes and dances with someone else or maybe you do but you keep fucking dancing. Learn not to let a break in rhythm slow you down. She throws a shit test at you, whatever keep going.

  7. Keep striving for excellence. All these points work together concurrently to make you a good lead. At the same time, you must be better than you were last time if only a little bit. This is how you cancel out boredom and hypergamy. Every day, week, month, year etc we are better than we were before. Drive up your value by adding to your skills and abilities.

Let me know what you guys think. If you find it useful, I could probably make this a series as there are so many things in TRP that have come crystal clear to me by learning how to dance. I can’t tell you how useful a skill this is for a guy to learn. I’ve heard multiple female partners in class say, “I’m just here to learn how to follow”. Women are hungry for a competent lead.