Married Shit Test - need advice

UEMcGill · 2015-02-19T17:34:55+00:00

Beware DEER. Defending your actions to her points will only steel her resolve that you were wrong. You are correct that this is a slippery slope. It's a comfort test imho.

On the one hand, she's arguing about "what if". Well if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. My wife never once gave birth on her due date so there's that. So what I suspect she's looking for is reassurance you'll be there for her. So tell her "I'm not going to defend my past actions or even a future one that hasn't happened. But I can tell you I put my family first, but sometimes I make sacrifices. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes wrong but always with my family in mind."

Gman777 · 2015-02-19T21:53:50+00:00

Sounds to me like the shit test is coming from your group, not your wife.

Being a man is about facing up to your responsibilities (which are about to grow), not about being selfish and doing whatever you want.

How about you decide to 'man up' and decide your family, particularly your wife and child, are more important than the group? Or are you to weak to stand up to them?

As far as your wife's shit-tests, tell her you're going to do what is in the best interest of your family, because you're the provider and the decision maker. If that means you need to take a little time out to wind down and be a more effective husband (and father) she needs to accept it and get over it.

Countpudyoola · 2015-02-19T17:05:16+00:00

That's a pretty crazy strict group. But regardless it can't take all fucking day, right? And you're right on the money that so long as you're fulfilling some comfort nesting duty , even if it takes you away the entire day, she wouldn't care. But you work and this meeting factors into caring for your family.

If she wasn't pregnant I'd actually say ignoring would be the rp route. Definitely ignore the baiting "you'll take off when you want". I'd sit her down once and state : "I am building a better future for our family. If the kid is healthy and the delivery goes as planned I'll be gone from x to x and back at x. "

If she's wanting some sort of emotional support during the interim and you/she has the family/friends around you could arrange to have them present while you are gone to take on her new-mommy-brain uber-nesting sting. So you could then add "and I've arranged Z to be here while I'm out."

That way if the day-nurse sucks and someone needs to get a staffer's attention they'll be there.

[EDIT] and just to be clear, after you state your gameplan to take care of this scheduling problem. That's the end of the discussion.

tbornott · 2015-02-19T17:54:08+00:00

Sounds like a comfort test to me. I have to say AWALT on this one. Clear your schedule for a month around due date. All she needs to know is that you will be there for her.

Who knows when the baby is popping out? Just state you are planning on going, but you will reschedule if she really needs you. You always have (I bet you have). If she would actually try to stop you from going that would be shit test.

Don't you guys have a tradition of getting wasted when the baby is born? I could only find some lame baby shower things on google.

GentleAlpha · 2015-02-19T17:09:27+00:00

Flipping the shit test around would normally work, but you're dealing with 1) wife and 2) she is pregnant. Your #1 priority is to hold frame. This above all.

IMO you should focus on the baby by assuring her that you love both her and the baby. Attending the meeting is the best way to support your new child as it helps to assure your continued financial prosperity. Your actions are to make sure the baby and mom are safe.

Dasugo · 2015-02-19T20:48:41+00:00

Dont discuss this again. You have 6 months before the baby comes. Just concentrate on taking care of her.

if the baby comes and everything is looking good. Arrange to have a parent/family member or friend come over to help out when you leave.

Of course, if there is a need.. you don't go. Just let her know that she is the most important thing in your world.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-02-19T16:54:51+00:00

This is tricky and there is a growing consensus about using Red Pill tactics in marriage. Even getting in shape and going to the gym can trigger an emotional melt down in pregnancy to say nothing of active dread.

However I always find it amazing how women keep score in a relationship. You did X 25 years ago and you didn't do Y 20 years ago so now it is obvious you hate me.

Your wife is going to be in the hospital and she is having a shit fit that you are not going to be holding her hand all day? Just don't try to logically resolve this or you will end up putting a bullet in the roof of your mouth.

So the answer, I think, is to hold frame: "What is your intended message to me?"

That I love you and our baby enough to do what I need to do. I will be gone just 2 hours and will see you at (time).

Then, don't permit any discussion of this. She is already trying to make you choose between your responsibilities and the baby. If you give in on this she will use this tactic until it drives you insane, or into the arms of another woman. Don't let it happen, IMHO.

tbornott · 2015-02-19T18:19:05+00:00

Her: “I was miserable. I will be sleeping on the couch”.

Her: "I was so drugged up on hormones and shits that I cannot remember anything for three days after labor. It is possible that I was miserable, so I am not exactly lying. Anyway you failed to assure me that you are not leaving me alone with the baby forever. I will be sleeping on the couch."

alpha_n3rd · 2015-02-19T22:01:00+00:00

Few moms give birth on their due dates.

I went to the gym the day after my 3rd was born. I had my mom stay with my wife in the hospital while I went. I wouldn't have left her alone, that would have been a cardinal sin.

She's just going to be resting with the baby anyway, they'll both be exhausted. But she ought to have somebody there with her other than the useless nurses.

spacelord777 · 2015-02-21T04:34:33+00:00

Father of 3 here. I was always there during my wife's labor. I never spent the night there or sat endlessly around the hospital though. I went and got shit done. Like going shopping to make sure there was plenty of easy food for the wife, going to work, taking care of the younger ones (for #3) and so on. You are a man, not a nanny. I went to see my wife on the following day, stayed for several hours, and then left again.

Let's be honest here. Giving birth is some rough business. But afterwards, the nurses are going to take care of her. She doesn't actually need you there for anything. If it was me, and the business meeting took place the day after, I would go to to it, then go visit my wife, then go home.

exbp · 2015-02-19T19:57:59+00:00

What about some comfort with a minor pressure flip: "Of course I won't leave you if there's any complication. And of course I'll go if things are going smoothly. Don't you know this family means everything to me?"

TheYoungPatriarch · 2015-02-19T18:54:11+00:00

Honestly, here is what I would say (If I really wanted to do it):

"There will be no discussion or suggestions on this, Let me be clear about the message: I am going to the meeting because I decided to."

Then something to the effect of "I do not expect to hear about this again."

It's better when delivered on the phone. When I say stuff like this with a steely tone my wife normally doesn't say anything on the other line and I finish with "I'll see you when I get home."

I would come home to either a massive shit storm, or a docile and loving wife. Yeah... women...

donit · 2015-06-17T17:06:34+00:00

(baby/meeting shit test) What would you do with an employee? Would you discuss it with the employee for hours, giving full legitimacy to each one of his concerns by providing detailed responses, answers and excuses?

This puts you in the position of bending over backward trying to please them, and your investment makes them feel like their concerns are legitimate. So, they will smell blood and become more aggressive in order to milk it some more.

When someone presses you with something unreasonable, the best way to handle it is to act like they're nuts. And then whenever she brings it up, you recall it as an episode of her acting up.

Title	Married Shit Test - need advice
Author	john_blackthorne
Upvotes	5
Comments	35
Date	February 19, 2015 4:44 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/2wg03j/married_shit_test_need_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/married-shit-test-need-advice.202487 https://theredarchive.com/post/202487

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