Colossians 3:18-19

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them."

These were brought up during the Easter sermon at church. And reminded me of my own mindset change since finding TRP. That for me it wasn't as bitter a pill as it is for most. For me learning the basics here was actually freeing and lifted the bitterness I had toward my wife. Because I realized she struggled with a sinful nature as much as I did, but where I would be either a bitter coward that hides in his office or a complete tyrant that just subjugates through brute force, she would be an insubordinate helpmate that sabotages the task or a runaway who abandons her post even though she signed a contract.

(In red pill terms: the woman is going to buck non rock solid leadership, but the man cannot get butthurt and give up on trying to lead. This is the most boiled down aspect of "frame". In your family you have a "mission" and you have to remain focused on that mission. Holding frame is often this, not getting distracted by trivial things and sticking to the plan to complete whatever the mission is. )

Within our faith we are each in the wrong yet the responsibility lies on my shoulders as the man. This is a theme running here and particularly repeated by Dante Nero. We are the container and she is the water and while she may possess beauty and fluidity we determine her shape by our own. We must be watertight and lacking in holes and cracks. We have to be solid and secure. This is why veterans feel frustrated when newbies post about the fluidity of water instead of finding the holes and cracks in their container. They don't want to kill the ego, remove their blinders and find themselves lacking. I have found myself lacking many times.

(In red pill terms: if you are lacking do not allow the ego to hide what a feeble leader you are. Here we often say STFU and for good reason, in practice shutting your mouth to employ self analysis and critical thinking is important. I think most newbies think the STFU just means if you're more quiet she'll get the tingles. And yes that helps. But think about what a good leader does in the midst of a group squabbling about details of a plan, he's actively listening to everything and prioritizing and chunking critical information. At the right time a good leader usually briefs his group with an unconvuluted plan that takes into account all the moving parts. If you're lacking in leadership thinking and analysis I recommend the book Extreme Ownership.)

And look at the order of these two verses. Wives being told to submit comes before husbands being told to love and not be bitter. There's other possibilities, but to me common sense says one could be causation of the other, the man is saddled with responsibility for the woman and the woman rebels against him being unappreciative of the burden he shoulders for her. The man is embittered because he knows she doesn't grasp his particular set responsibilities or knows and does not care. Why does she not submit to him when this is what she agreed to? Why do we not work hard for an employer we have no respect for while still expecting all the benefits of the job position? Do we not do that, even some of us men?

(OI is important here. You can't crash or shut down in response to inept subordinates. Otherwise YOU are inept as well, and in no place to lead. If you had a plan that didn't work you step back from the obsessive minutae look at the big picture and all the moving parts and fix the plan. You keep doing this until it works. And it gets easier.)

If the boss sucks at his job then his employees will too. It works the same in a marriage. Marriage is NOT a partnership, it's not equal, the man and his wife are not both the CEO, not co-captian of the ship. ("That's patriarchy!" yep and patriarchy works doesn't it?) After all its worked since there's been men and women. And obviously by this verse women rebelled against their husbands and men have been bitter about it for more than a little while now.

(marriage only works if you're the captain Of the ship. You have to get comfortable realizing she's not equal to you in authority. She's simply the most responsible teenager in the house.)

Now for the difficult section especially for nice guy Christians. Love your wives and don't be bitter. Ok so I'm hoping if some of you have been here a while you realize that as the employer you can't be bitter and resentful towards your employee for not grasping the weight of your responsibility for both the business and them as the employer. You wouldn't beg a terrible employee to stay either would you? Or tell a poor performer that they are doing a great job. Bitterness though actually comes from a bad definition of love.

(When push comes to shove you don't NEED her. If she's a terrible employee even after you get your shit together you treat her the same way you would an employee that continues to be insubordinate. You either terminate or if your faith or core beliefs take divorce off the table, you stick her ass in the basement like Milton from office space and stop paying her. And be ready to retrain her to the new rules if she actually wants to step up.)

Loving your wife does not mean you cower and let her do whatever you want. Or be tyrannical and a micromanager. Loving your wife doesn't mean you let her believe lies ("feelings based on some feminist article from facebook" "victim logic" etc). When you truly love someone and invest yourself into them as the man, they don't get to set the terms of what that looks like. Love is not giving away your control, it is looking out for their best interests by nuking manipulation and sabotage. Its not letting her take the wheel and crashing into the rocks so she can then step back and blame it on you. Loving your wife is always having the wheel in your hands and not letting that happen. Its mitigating all the risks, seeing how all the pieces in the big picture fit together, and creating security and safety for your subordinates. And as the captain you don't excercise this love for the thanks and admiration, you do it because it's who you are and this is what you do. The people who only see things on the ground level will never understand this. But that doesn't even matter because that's not why you took on the responsibility in the first place.

(This is outcome independence. You don't put the emphasis on the outcome but on the proper execution and formulation of the plan based on sound thinking. Like the quote "it's not the destination but the journey." Take all the feels out of that quote and make it practical. Make the building and execution of your plan what you focus on. Not the unknown result. For a good book on this I'd recommend The Practicing Mind by Thomas Sterner. Remember that the strength of OI comes from not emotionally charged responses to results but to putting in the work and focusing on technique whether you "win" or not.)

This picture of what love is from a captain changed my relationship with God. I realize love isn't there to make me "feel good" or have some false sense of value. Love is often others setting you up to grow, learn, or succeed with no expectation of a thank you. Love isn't rooted in giving unearned validation, it's about doing what needs to be done.