So for a while now I have wanted to contribute, but haven't felt like I had the notches in my belt necessary to offer any positive feedback; but as I've seen things positively turn around, I thought I would share where I am on my journey, and what's working in my world.

Just the facts:

  • married almost 14 years
  • hard core beta for most of my life
  • wife is from single mom and 4 other sisters, so very "I can do anything you can do (better)"
  • swallowed the pill ~6 months ago, applied the MAP about 4 months ago

My wife very much bucked the idea of me changing at first. It was a painful combination of "you're cheating on me", to "you're getting ready to leave me" crap all day. She says she felt that way because I was "emotionally disconnected". That's due to the fact I kept myself separate from her emotional outbreaks. When she would want to fight, I just separated myself. When she got confrontational about it, I said "I am not going to fight with you anymore. If you want to talk, we can talk; but fighting because you want to fight, is off the table." She hated that. I calmly explained that for years ive been bitter and resentful towards her because of all the fights she wanted to start. So from now on, that ends. And it's because I love you so much tht I'm unwilling to fight with you. She finally got it. It's been peaceful around here for weeks. And sex has been good.

For Christmas I made her this chalkboard sign that lists "needs, wants, and must haves" for each of us. The must haves have three stars by them that you fill in to show where you are. It's an easy way to drive her nuts. I originally didn't intend doing this, it's just been a great side effect.

One of my "must haves" is "constantly active sex life". There's three stars. If we have sex one day, she gets 2 stars. If nothing happens the next day, I take her back down to 1 star. If something does happen, I leave it at two stars. We've been playing this game since January, and she finally asked, "what's it take to get three stars?" I said "use your imagination". Well that brought out the sex machine. Sunday I got laid twice (bj action too), once on Monday (anal), and again on Tuesday. Not bad considering before TRP I was getting it 1-2 a month at best. But here's the kicker; I still didn't give her three stars. She was like "really?!? Still not three stars? What do I have to do?" "Keep trying. You'll get there." It's driving her nuts.

One of the things she said she wanted was texts. Which sucks for me, because I'm busy at work all day. I don't have time to remember that crap. So I wrote a program that I load up a database of sexty / love messages to her, and at random times in the morning (if you're looking to close, you need to heat them up all day) it texts me to confirm I want it sent out, and once I confirm, it sends the message to her from me. Holy crap that helped a lot. The other day I texted her some sappy quote about kissing and making me tingle inside, and she replied "ditto.. In bed".

So in short, what's working is kissing her more often and for longer periods, lifting (life has found its way to block my workouts these last two weeks, but I'm not letting that stop me), text messages every day, and an overhauled attitude.

For those of you on the fence; this stuff works. Try it out.

EDIT:

One of the major reasons I want to start this weekly update it for personal focus and accountability. I wrote this late last night, and I was falling asleep, so I just submitted it, so let me finish up what I wanted to say.

Things I want to work on this week:

  • Lift more. I have let work stand in the way of going to the gym every day for the last two weeks. I am not going to make excuses or let things stand in the way of progress this week. Starting today, I will be at the gym.

  • Spend time with the guys. I have not gone out with my guy friends in a few weeks, and I need to be more assertive about doing that.

  • Find a way to let the caveman out. It's no longer about getting her into bed, it's how to let the caveman out that I am struggling with. Being beta for so long you get use to turning sex into a users manual. "Three twists to the left, five flicks to the right, back and forth for 1 minute..." But that's not what she wants, and it's sure as hell not what I want. So I have to find my inner caveman and invite him to the party this weekend... Part of me doesn't know what that looks like, and the rest isn't sure how to just let go like that. But I am going to figure this out this weekend.