I used to be addicted to drugs. I'd use anything I can get. My worst was benzodiazapies. It started with alcohol when I was 14. I lost myself 15-16. After my 17th birthday I was put in the psych ward on a lot of drugs. I don't remember the first 3 days there. I "woke up" with bruises all over me. They told me that they were trying to do blood tests & I wouldn't let them. I don't remember it. I remember that they did something with my underwear, either took it off compltely or replaced it with hospital one, can't remember. Meaning they saw and probably toucht my dick. That reminded me of being molested and I was scared what they might've done to me when I was blackt out. I kept trying to convince them to let me out. I screamt but it didn't work. So when they gave me food later I tried to sharpen the plastic knife they gave me. I was only allowt plastic utensils. My grand plan was to threaten a nurse with a flimsy plastic knife. I don't remember what happenet I guess I fell asleep & when I woke up the knife was gone. So then I took a pen they gave me to write in the journal they gave me & stabbed an apple because I was angry. Then they took pens away from me.

I askt if I could use the staff phone to call my mother. They said yes, so I did. I don't remember how it happent but I ended up screaming at her over the phone. I was yelling the bad things she did to me & how I hate her. She kept saying she didn't do it. I was hoping the nurses right there would understand & help me stay way from my mother. I ended up crying & going back to my room. They put me in a room by myself, they always did every time I Was hospitalized, but usually they put 2 people in a room togther. I'm just too insane for that. My sister came in then. I did't know she was here. She came in to tell me that everything I yellt my mother did to me on the phone was all in my head. "Mom would never do that. You see & hear things that aren't there." The thing is she did do all of those things. And my sister did worse. A year ago I had to tell my sister abou my (mis)diagnosis (I revoke it) after she was being a fucking asshole to me over a symptom. She said she had no idea. Then why'd you say I hear & see things that weren't there? My family loves to fuck with my head

They always asked "Do you want a sitter?" I always said no. They always gave me 1 anyway so I don't know why they askt. I hated them. They constantly stared at you. They'd watch you all the time. They listent to you take a shit outside the door. They followt you to the showers. Watch you "sleep." You fake sleep to get them to shut the fuck up. Because I don't talk but they want to. A couple complaint about me that they preferred being with other patients because I barely spoke & wasn't fun. This is a fucking psych ward there's nothing fun about this place. I wanted to yell & punch them but didn't. At night you listen to the nurses outside in the hallway talk about how weird you are, laugh at you. You can't do anything about it, you just listen like a good boy.

I try to take walks every day possible. When I take walks in winter with the snow something weird happens. It's like I can't really remember where I am or what I'm doing. I feel like I'm living in memories but I don't know if those are real memories, they feel fake at the same time they feel real. Like I'm in 2 different places at 1 time, 2 universes, layers. It switches like 2 people. It's disorienting(?) and I think this is what worried a man the other week on my walk. He randomly yellt out to me, thought I was suspicious something about breaking into houses. I had no idea what he was talking about I always walk by here but maybe I was lost. I can't explain more because it hurts too much. I've been in (solo) recovery for 1 year, took a lot of work but made it so that most days I don't want to go back to drugs, know they're awful. Lately it's kind of going away. It's easy to think "This time (I do drugs) it'll b different, it'll be like the good days when drugs used to help me, " but it never is. I know that with how many tims I've given into this. Writing this is helping remind myself addiction is a liar. ADdiction did nothing but make my life worse. I did terrible embarrassing things. I wish I knew more about how it affect my brain. I feel very alone & unsure if I'm doing recovery right.