This is a bit of a self help post and also a bit of a rant.

I went to a grocery store today, and apparently the area where I live has reinstituted masks. People didn't wear them the last time I was there, and I don't keep up with news, so I didn't know. When I got into the store, a guy gave me a weird look. I keep to myself and wasn't even certain he was really looking at me. I think he went over to an employee and asked the employee to tell me to put a mask on. So I did. I always have it with me just in case. But as I'm fishing it out of my bag and putting it on, which takes half a minute or so, I notice this guy is starring me down the entire time, with a weird look on his face, might have been a bit of a perverse satisfaction. In an instant, something inside me said to put the mask on crooked so there's a bit of a gap by the nose, not totally on, not totally off. I don't know what it was. I'm not a confrontational person. I'm not good at it. But the guy loses it. He's on me like a hawk to tell me passively aggressively it has to be on all the way or it doesn't work. I tell him I have trouble breathing. He trumpets, "It's the law". I tell him don't worry about it. Then he takes to shouting, like looking up at the sky and cursing the world type shouting. Repeating over and over again that it's the law, and you have to wear it, and on and on. I'm not sure the exact words he used because I turned my back and blocked it out. Have you ever been around someone shouting? It's very uncomfortable. I'm not exaggerating about him losing it in order to belittle him. Although it did seem like maybe this is what he wanted. I know that protesters are trained to use tactics like these to flummox their opponents. He's probably done this before. Anyway none of the employees are doing anything about it. A couple minutes later he goes over to another employee and tells the employee that he needs to go over and tell me to to put the mask on all the way. The employee approaches me says in a conciliatory way that he'd like me to fix it just to stop the trouble, and of course I do. Then the the guy thanks the employee and says proudly "I care about your health" and some complaint about kids not following rules. Everything he's saying is still extremely loud at this point, and I don't know who's benefit that's for, but he's 5 feet away from me and I'm a bit bewildered wondering what his deal is. I step toward him and say, "Sir, why are you making me your business?" but I think he was quick enough to cut me off before I got half of it out and said something like, "Oh you can antagonize me all you want, I just want you to follow the rules". Then I said he was fat and clearly not concerned about health, and he said he hopes someday I can care about someone other than myself and ran off as I tried to say "Nah, you're just trying to control people. If you were really worried about about the disease, you would have stayed away from me instead of getting into it."

I assume a lot of people would tell me I'm wrong and should just put the mask on and be quiet. But I also know most of those people would never make a scene like this guy either. I'm not proud of anything I said or did. I'm probably going to be beating myself up for it for weeks. As a man, I feel like I'm supposed to have a cool confidence, an inner strength. And way too often I just don't have it. In most situations I wouldn't even get up to the plate. In this one I did, and I was totally unprepared and I feel like I made a fool of myself, even if he did too. I caught the eyes of an older woman as it was ending and she smiled, clearly getting a kick out of it. I'm tall, muscular, handsome. I ought to have confidence. I ought not to have had the need to have egged it on at the end. This guy was short fat and bald. He picked on me. Was he jealous or did he sense vulnerability? I doubt he would have said anything to me if I were any other race, or female. He would have been afraid. I've noticed a big change in the way strangers treat me lately. They used to be exceptionally friendly toward me. Now, without anything about me changing, I think I'm attracting attention from a very different group of people somehow. Weak men who don't have that masculine strength I mentioned, have now been empowered to act as rats under the political regime. This has got to be worrisome to people, this trend of running to authority for everything. I feel like by opening up that avenue to power, it crowds out masculinity, people handling their own problems. Part of me, when I see a guy like that I'm repulsed. It's a visceral reaction, probably biological. Another part of me feels sorry for him. I think to myself, no woman could possibly be attracted to him, and I feel like the world is very tough on men. If he were a woman, he'd have no trouble. He's probably a big victim. He listens to The Science, the food pyramid, he's their enforcer and look where it gets him. Guarantee he was circumcised. I want to help. I want to fight the people who made him this way. I certainly didn't express that, and don't think it would have been possible. I just feel like a big failure every which way around. I failed to express myself, stand up for myself, brush it off, anything. The weakest of men provoked me, spread nastiness, exercised authority. When it was over I told myself I got experience and I'd learn from it and do better next time. I have nothing to resent. I came home to a loving family. I just don't even know what to think about this. The things he was saying, it's like he's convinced himself of this farce that he's saving the world. I guess I'm curious. But I don't feel like a man. I don't feel like I ever learned to be a man. How does a man handle a situation like this?

Thanks.