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How do you deal with hating every single person intensely that you try to open up to?

February 6, 2022

I suffered an absolutely insane amount of abuse when I was growing up. "time out's" that lasted for days, being beat until I vomited and then frantically sucking it out of the carpet while being kicked. A million other thing's happened too, like it doesn't even sound real. Fucked up shit. I spent my entire life with it hammered into me that "no one is allowed to know" or it would get so much worse. I did a good job at keeping it a secret. I went my entire childhood without anybody finding out or stepping in to save me. I lied my ass off, and covered it up very well. I got a full 17 years before I got away. I hate that no one saved me. I would have hated anybody who did.

I still can't open up about it. I have no one to talk to about it. No one in my life knows what happened to me. I try to open up some times, like explaining to whoever I'm dating that month to not pull my hair, or make sure there's a couple days worth of food in her fridge so I don't bug out and immediately drag them to the grocery store. The problem is, I tell anybody even the tiniest little detail of what happened to me, and then I hate them. I hate them so so much for knowing that about me. I hate that they know. I hate that anybody know's. I cut them out of my life. I block them everywhere, I change my number, I remove every single person they know from my life as well. I've gone so far as to literally move states. Like, the only thing these people do is be there to listen to me, even a couple sentences, and I hate them, so so much.

Obviously I can't bring myself to open up to a therapist. I am not close to my family. I don't want to go to a group help session because just being there would make me hate everybody who see's me.

I get along well enough day to day. I'm an asshole. I really try not to be, I go out of my way to volunteer for example, Park's, homeless, ect, but I'm gruff, straight to the point, and tolerate absolutely 0 "bullshit" from anybody, ever. I can laugh, joke, smile, enjoy myself, all the normal thing's, I blend in very well, but cutting everybody out of my life at the drop of a hat leaves me with pretty much nobody who cares. Nobody who loves me.

With the exception of one person, I have no relationship's or friendship's older than 4 years. If any of them ever caught even a whiff, I would drop them in the blink of an eye. Like I cut a friend of 5 years out of my life because he bumped into me and my GF in a grocery line once, we spoke for maybe a minute, a couple month's later I told that GF, after a lot of prodding that I "Didn't have a good life when I was younger". That was it. That was all she learned about me. I cut her out of my life, and I cut that friend out of my life. All he did was bump into someone month's ago whom I doubt he even remembered, but she wound up learning that about me, and he had to go too. All she did was care. It's insane. If anybody ever find's out anything, every single tiny thread connecting them to my life goes with them. I'll go from loving my girlfriend more than anything, to hating her and breaking her heart with no remorse if she learns about my early life. From everybody's perspective, I die, I vanish, I cease to exist.

I really don't think there is any fixing me. I'm in my 30's. I'm broken as fuck. I hate you. I hate that you know.

I'll read what you write though. Hopefully something said will help or resonate. Thank's.

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Post Information
Title How do you deal with hating every single person intensely that you try to open up to?
Author Disastrous-Cunt
Upvotes 22
Comments 8
Date February 6, 2022 11:29 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link
Original Link
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[–]Arguesovereverythin 12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Two thoughts. First, no untrained person will ever be equipped to help you heal from what you've been through. It's like getting shot and trying to fix it at CVS. You need to invest in a therapist. I know you said you don't like them, but you need one. Keep going back.

Second, might help for you to move somewhere that will let you start over. Save up some money, use a company like Zillow to see places halfway across the country, then move. Leave all your shit behind and just move. You won't have to tell anyone about your past because there's no way for them to find out.

Good luck.

[–]Cyb3rd31ic_Citiz3n 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sounds like you need to come to terms with what happened to you and accept that it's part of your history. Because it sesms to me that you're cutting people out because you're trying to ignore or forget your past.

[–]grasscoveredhouses 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I'm going to second the suggestion of a professional. They can help you get to where you want to be. It's never too late for that to happen. It will be hard to do, but you can do it.

[–]CharlesDickensABox 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

These kinds of issues are why professionals exist. You wouldn't ask your friend to amputate your leg for you, you shouldn't expect them to fix your mental health, either. Go to a counselor. Find a professional who is trained and qualified to address what you're dealing with. I understand that it's difficult and can be uncomfortable. Finding the right psychiatrist or therapist often takes a number of tries with a number of different people. There is no more shame in going to a mental health professional for mental health problems than there is in going to the ER for a broken leg.

You deserve happiness. You deserve stability. You deserve love. The only way you will get those things is if you make the decision to get yourself the treatment that you need. I'm not going to say it will be easy, but it will be worth it.

[–]LettuceBeGrateful 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Obviously I can't bring myself to open up to a therapist.

You don't need to have these skills to go to a therapist. That's like going to a cooking class with the expectation you can already cook!

All you need to do is step in the door and outline what you're struggling with. It can literally just be one or two sentences. "I'm an asshole and I think I'm broken as fuck because I push everyone away." The therapist will ask questions. You will probably not want to answer. She will ask why you don't want to answer. And together, you'll both keep digging until you stumble upon the stuff that needs attention. You can even show them what you wrote here. You act like you're not capable of opening up, but you just shared some deeply personal, raw stuff with strangers. Personally, I think that's very brave.

When you say you don't have the skills to work on this, on the one hand I want to encourage you that you don't need to have those skills, but do have those skills! You just flexed those muscles here! And I mean, I only skimmed the other comments, but it looks to me like we've all accepted you. No one here thinks you're an asshole.

You're being SO hard on yourself for having what seems like a perfectly rational set of survival tactics to a horrible, abusive situation. After reading your post, it all makes sense to me, man. You're not broken at all, you're just in survival mode. That's what PTSD does to people. It convinces them that the source of their trauma is around every corner. It's awful and insidious, but that doesn't mean you have to be stuck there permanently if you don't want to be.

You can do this!

[–]UnHope20 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Sorry to hear that you've dealt with abuse as a child. It's rough and really does effect your attachment style.

The situation of cutting people out of life sounds similar to me. Though I would say that rather than actively cutting people out, I would just sort of let things drift apart. But it wasn't healthy. I'm learning to be intentional about maintaining my friendships and re-establish the ones I've lost.

It's an uphill battle, but rewarding

[–]idrinkapplejuice42 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Im so sorry about the abuse. I cant imagine how horrible that must have been. Do you cut people out simply because they know about you or because you feel that they dint understand. I personally struggle with opening up to people only to feel like they dont understand me at all, at which point i feel contempt for them and lose all desire to talk to them. But personally its not about people knowing about me.... its about them knowing about me and not understanding me.

[–]BlackoutWalksAlone 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m gonna do my best to give you some advice. Someone who is a few years younger than you who also has a lot on their plate.

I suffered and I am suffering through a lot too but I also know that it can be hard to open up to anyone out there about these complex problems. They might not understand it or get freaked out over it and either distance themselves from you or ghost you. They just might not be capable of the subject matter. Unfortunately many people out there are like that. I think most people are.

I can understand why you hide so much because I hide too to protect myself from further becoming a target or put through the same shit again. I can even understand why you easily cut people off so easily and hate them so they won’t get the opportunity to do it to you first. I think it’s just more ways of protecting yourself from getting hurt again. It makes you feel safe but it also makes you and even keeps you isolated and alone.

Unfortunately there is no easy way around this. I’m not a fan of therapy either or opening up to a therapist because it is more work that you have to put in and it’s exhausting. Hell, there are a number of other factors like therapists giving you bad advice or the therapy itself simply being too expensive. But yeah it can be risky opening up to anyone especially a random person on the street. Btw, I’m not a fan of group meetings either. So I get the feeling on that too.

I also try my best to take things one day at a time but I will admit even that doesn’t work sometimes and I can spiral. But if you need to spiral sometimes you need to ride through it and then do whatever you need to do after that. Go on your timetable and no one else’s. Do as much you can no matter how small. And if you really need to vent, you can always journal. Or you can distract yourself by listening to music. I know that’s no replacement for actual support or a friendship or relationship but it’s better than nothing.

And I know deep down that you don’t want to be the person you are now most likely. I’m in the same boat too. So I guess we find little ways to change that.

Also I had a habit of ghosting people with my former life and I think you do the same as some sort of way to start afresh and escape from the horrible past you’ve been in.

I’m 24 and I’m broke as hell too. Still trying to figure things out. There’s no guarantee things will get better for me. And there’s no guarantee things will get better for you. But at least you know you tried. I can tell. And maybe I can tell that you still are trying….maybe.

But anyway, take things at your own pace, no matter what anyone else says.

From one broken man to another, I hope my advice helped.


You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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