I suffered an absolutely insane amount of abuse when I was growing up. "time out's" that lasted for days, being beat until I vomited and then frantically sucking it out of the carpet while being kicked. A million other thing's happened too, like it doesn't even sound real. Fucked up shit. I spent my entire life with it hammered into me that "no one is allowed to know" or it would get so much worse. I did a good job at keeping it a secret. I went my entire childhood without anybody finding out or stepping in to save me. I lied my ass off, and covered it up very well. I got a full 17 years before I got away. I hate that no one saved me. I would have hated anybody who did.
I still can't open up about it. I have no one to talk to about it. No one in my life knows what happened to me. I try to open up some times, like explaining to whoever I'm dating that month to not pull my hair, or make sure there's a couple days worth of food in her fridge so I don't bug out and immediately drag them to the grocery store. The problem is, I tell anybody even the tiniest little detail of what happened to me, and then I hate them. I hate them so so much for knowing that about me. I hate that they know. I hate that anybody know's. I cut them out of my life. I block them everywhere, I change my number, I remove every single person they know from my life as well. I've gone so far as to literally move states. Like, the only thing these people do is be there to listen to me, even a couple sentences, and I hate them, so so much.
Obviously I can't bring myself to open up to a therapist. I am not close to my family. I don't want to go to a group help session because just being there would make me hate everybody who see's me.
I get along well enough day to day. I'm an asshole. I really try not to be, I go out of my way to volunteer for example, Park's, homeless, ect, but I'm gruff, straight to the point, and tolerate absolutely 0 "bullshit" from anybody, ever. I can laugh, joke, smile, enjoy myself, all the normal thing's, I blend in very well, but cutting everybody out of my life at the drop of a hat leaves me with pretty much nobody who cares. Nobody who loves me.
With the exception of one person, I have no relationship's or friendship's older than 4 years. If any of them ever caught even a whiff, I would drop them in the blink of an eye. Like I cut a friend of 5 years out of my life because he bumped into me and my GF in a grocery line once, we spoke for maybe a minute, a couple month's later I told that GF, after a lot of prodding that I "Didn't have a good life when I was younger". That was it. That was all she learned about me. I cut her out of my life, and I cut that friend out of my life. All he did was bump into someone month's ago whom I doubt he even remembered, but she wound up learning that about me, and he had to go too. All she did was care. It's insane. If anybody ever find's out anything, every single tiny thread connecting them to my life goes with them. I'll go from loving my girlfriend more than anything, to hating her and breaking her heart with no remorse if she learns about my early life. From everybody's perspective, I die, I vanish, I cease to exist.
I really don't think there is any fixing me. I'm in my 30's. I'm broken as fuck. I hate you. I hate that you know.
I'll read what you write though. Hopefully something said will help or resonate. Thank's.