Weekend check-in

6-leslie · 2022-12-30T22:00:01+00:00

I'm going to use this as chance to sort my head on new years stuff. 2023 is almost here & it's the first New Years that means something which is cool!! There's major life change that should be good & take me closer to escaping my family. 2022 I have highlights & things to be proud of for the first time. It's 1 year since I decided to recover, so it's been a good life-changing year even though most change was in my head (hope 2023 will be the good life-changing outside of my head year)

- I still hate myself sometimes but most of the time now I like myself, sometimes I love myself

- I got bac in contact with my father & he's changed so our relationship is fixing. I don't see him as a monster anymore. I love him. I have to cut him off eventually to escape my family which is hard to deal with but whatever

- New healthy ways to cope

- Leslie started confronting parts of his life he couln't before because it hurt to much. Now he's opening up about it & pther stuff like the voices he hears. I'm very proud of him. It' helps others too by reducing stigma & encouraging people to eb themselves/not alone.

- I accepted when I get out of here I need to surround myself with people who don't use drugs for fun incl. alcohol & weed, not against it but I can't be safe. I "restart" every couple months, even with all the improvement & that most of the time now I never want to do drugs again. I accepted recent when I was abusing the opioids I was prescribed fresh after surgery for nights straight, mixing with alcohol like I did when I was a kid. It's wtf, I'm going to kill myself, but I can't stop, I thought I was better, what's wrong with me. If I see people act like drugs are cool, I start going back to my old mindset, & access to drugs is risky for me. I felt it was "weak hiding from the world" to make decision to avoid drug talk & I need to grow up & handle reality. Now It doesn't matter, sure it's weak but Leslie's sick. This is a lifelong struggle .

-I stand up for myself & see red flags better.

general goals for 2023 is the same, continue rrecovering, keep trying to escape, keep reducing suffering etc. Adding stand up more against misandry & opening up on specific things.

Thanks for letting me talk about this

BlackoutWalksAlone · 2022-12-31T00:54:12+00:00

I guess since others are reflecting over the past year, I think I'll do the same. A lot has happened this year (since I thought 2022 was gonna be my fuck it year) but at the same time, it's almost like nothing has changed. At least not too much. But I did go through a lot of doctors involving my urological problem which still has not been resolved. There was a surgery planned for early on next month but I most likely will postpone it. The urologist said that he didn't know if it was gonna help or not but I'm afraid to go back to him period because he flat out said he would refuse to do anything else. I may push back the meeting with him too.

My mental health keeps taking hit after hit after every urologist appointment. I can definitely tell it has gone downhill in general because I have become more angry and depressed and bitter over the state of my life. And yet I still want to keep fighting. Sometimes I want nothing more than a death wish but I'm gonna wait at least for awhile to see how things turn out. My dad did die like 2 months ago which kinda sucks but it might help me jumpstart into.....something. Because of his death benefits, I'll definitely have enough funds to cover anything medical wise. At least that should be the case. So I will most likely spend 2023 (at least the start of it) to see what all I can do with this new scope of medical care in my hands.

I have been trying to get out of the house more because (I really hate to admit this but screw it), when I get out of the house and away from my mom, I do feel better. More clear headed. When I get back to my house (where me and my mom live), the brain fog rolls back in and I start sneezing more and coughing and my eyes water and everything else. I just feel worse overall. Probably because I spend 23+ hours in my room. I'm stuck in here. But with the money I have, that should give me some newfound freedom. More choices than I had before. If I get too tired, I can just take a Lyft somewhere.

My mom....she is going to a specialist next week because she may symptoms that might involve a type of cancer which does have me concerned. A part of me (I guess my mom and my dad in my head) keeps saying that I have to look after her and take care of her. But even by their logic, I can't take of her anyway if I don't get my own needs met. I need to stay focused on where I want to go from here. The biggest problem is that I have been taught to put others needs (my parents needs) above my own. And that has definitely affected me mentally (and physically). I am going to see a counselor tomorrow (on New Year's Eve) to help me figure out what the hell I'm going to do because my future seems so uncertain (maybe even bleak a lot of the time) and that scares the hell out of me. There's a lot more I wanna say but I'm zoning out so I'll just quickly sum things up. My health and recovery still remain uncertain, it can be hard to trust anyone, I desperately need to escape from this.....dreadful life sometimes (I guess you can call it escapism), I try to put out all the racing thoughts in my head a lot, my longterm friend (who is feminist); the friendship will definitely will not last much longer which is probably best but she was my only source of support outside the house but hopefully that'll soon change.....again I have a lot on my plate. I don't know how to deal with it. But the only thing I can do is wait a little bit and...see what happens.

ArtemisScormane · 2022-12-31T02:16:47+00:00

How do you guys hold yourselves together when you are just empty? Job needs you now, wife needs you now, kids need you now. Everything needs you and you have to give it. You want to give it. To be the provider and protector. To work the incredibly long hours and multiple full time jobs to keep the family provided for.

How do you keep from losing yourself in the process though? When everything you used to enjoy becomes gray and all that you do is exist from moment to moment?

Title	Weekend check-in
Author	mensupportmenmod
Upvotes	19
Comments	3
Date	December 30, 2022 4:00 PM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit	/r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/weekend-check-in.1145188 https://theredarchive.com/post/1145188
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/zz3zji/weekend_checkin/