I’m looking for some opinions here. I’m prompted to write this after reading others stories, and need a variety of opinions. Background: I was married. No violence of any sort in the relationship ( in either direction) but she was very controlling and manipulative. We separated, and 28 days after I left home she accused me of domestic violence. In a way I was fortunate that the accusations were so over the top that it was transparent that they were OTT. If I’d done hat I was accused of she’d be dead, I fought the DV orders and they were struck down. Cue 12 years of endless litigation, child access denial etc etc. she is convicted of so many counts of breaching the orders I lost count. If anyone has reason to be bitter and never trust that woman, I do.

Every accusation imaginable has been thrown at me, including sexual abuse of my son, but that didn’t come out until 10 years after I had separated and was so transparent that no one gave it any real credence and saw it for what it was. Another vicious rock thrown in court, with no justification or evidence of any sort.

Move forward: I meet a absolute angel. Marry her and she is so good to me. Life is a joy and it’s hard to believe that I’ve been this lucky. We have 6 years of happy together and 3 amazing kids. I am blessed.

The Issue: my eldest son, only child from the ex, is a grown man now. We are close, speaking several times a week, even when he’s been living overseas. This despite years of estrangement and parental alienation (he sees it clearly for what it is). He has grown into a man I am proud of, but he has scars from what he went through.

Now he is thinking of getting married. He maintains a relationship with his mother, and I respect that. He is also very close to my new wife (he’s never lived as a child under her roof, but has stayed with us regularly) and is extremely close to my young kids. We never use the “step” word. They all consider them selves brothers and sisters and are tight.

He wants me to consider attending his wedding, his mother would be there. The idea of being in a room with her fills me with fear.

I’m a huge guy. 187 cm, 110 kg, train regularly and compete in masters division BJJ. He sees me as a strong guy. He can’t wrap his head around my vulnerability in this area.

How do I tell my son the idea of even being in a room with a woman who has brought me so much pain and impoverished me for years fills me with fear and anger? My (now) wife is supportive because she can see that when the subject comes up I often stop sleeping properly.

I want to do the right thing by my eldest son, but he keeps pushing me to consider going. He knows that it’s possible for us to stay physically separated, but he can’t seem to understand the psychological pain and fear I have at just the thought of being near her.

TLDR: evil ex wife threw every accusation possible at me leaving me scarred and traumatised. Remarried to a wonderful woman and life is amazing, life is rebuilt and full of joy. The fly in the ointment- son from previous marriage wants me to attend wedding and be in the same venue as the ex, and this fills me with dread and fear. I don’t think I can do it. I love my son and want to be there for him, but the fear is crippling. Thoughts?