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Do it for her. (xpost /pics)

[deleted]

August 24, 2011

10 upvotes

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Post Information

Title	Do it for her. (xpost /pics)
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	10
Comments	49
Date	August 24, 2011 11:06 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/jten4/do_it_for_her_xpost_pics/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/do-it-for-her-xpost-pics.1035467 https://theredarchive.com/post/1035467

Comments

[–]hardwarequestions 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (48 children) | Copy Link

[–]funkbitch 4 points5 points6 points 14 years ago (47 children) | Copy Link

[–]hardwarequestions 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (46 children) | Copy Link

[–]funkbitch 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (45 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points17 points 14 years ago (44 children) | Copy Link

[–]legendary_ironwood 5 points6 points7 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]hardwarequestions 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (42 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago (41 children) | Copy Link

[–]rantgrrl 5 points6 points7 points 14 years ago (39 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (38 children) | Copy Link

He spent a lot of time at work with various women; my mom pretty much knew and he still didn't stop, so she basically made him choose--family or running around. He was (and kind of still is) a perpetual child, and he chose to leave rather than stick it out. She thought he was a bad influence (I mean, he totally is--but he was also kind of cool anyway) and she got primary custody. I mean, I went over to his apartment every now and again, but it was always kind of... well, sad; like he was sort of a perpetual bachelor but didn't know how to take care of himself. He's living with some woman a few states away now and seems to be happy though, so maybe everything's turned out better for him.

As for the picture, when I was younger he would often tell me over the phone that I was the only thing he'd ever done right, and he didn't want to let me down. I kinda feel bad taking his money now, but I don't want to have to incur a whole bunch of college loans (i'm going to a state school to cut down on costs, so maybe that helps), and he thinks it's sort of paying me back for not being there before. Mom's okay with it--but just barely. She's never remarried; I think he really broke her heart.

[–]rantgrrl 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (37 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted]1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

It was sort of a mutual acquiescence; he was never really all that involved with parenting--I mean, he left when I was barely 7. Remembering him at home was a rare occurrence anyway--when he wasn't at a conference or on a retreat (or, as I found out later, doing various other things), he and Mom would fight, or they'd have frigid conversations where the easiest thing was to just go play in my room and avoid them. My mom was actually the one trying to make everything work--keep him around, keep him interested. She didn't force him to leave so much as she forced him to either be an involved father or get the hell out.

I respect her for that--she could have simply let him continue to walk all over her (and he could be so annoyingly nice about it too, make you completely forget his assholery), but she stood up for herself. My dad might not be the best role model for a father, but I thought this pic was at least useful for me to see some of who he was behind the Don Draper-esque shit, all drinking and lying and skipping out in the middle of the night, forgetting birthdays and coming up with convenient excuses for missing out on, well... me and my life. So yeah--I've had to learn to love and respect my dad, because for a long time I didn't think he deserved it.

[–]rantgrrl2 points 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

She didn't force him to leave so much as she forced him to either be an involved father or get the hell out.

Something is just not adding up here.

If he wanted to have a relationship with you why did she stop him if she was so interested in keeping him in your life?

Again, he cheated on her not you. The fact that he cheated on her is not a good reason to excise him from your life. A relationship with him is your resource, not hers and if she can't sign away your right to child support I don't see why she can sign away your right to time with your dad.

I mean, if your first post is honest and he was trying what he could to show you that he loved you... and she was trying to thwart that. There is no excuse for it.

Again he was trying to be in your life(even if it wasn't full-time) and she was preventing it. There is no excuse for that unless he was abusing you.

[–][deleted]2 points 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

My god, man--what are you smoking? My dad's an overgrown child! Have you ever seen Roger Dodger? That's my dad--sales rep for a national company who lived out of a suitcase for my entire childhood. He wasn't even around long enough to be abusive--he just wasn't there.

You wanna know how he was abusive to me? He didn't come to my birthday party. I was 7 years old, and he hadn't been home in months, and I was having my birthday party at a bowling alley. I don't even really remember asking him to come or even wondering why he wasn't there. But it was apparently a big fucking deal to my mom, because suddenly we were hiring a lawyer and she was getting a divorce. Apparently, she found out that he had simply just forgotten or fucked up or just found a cute chick at a hotel bar or something--she didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to press. You know why he used to send me presents? Because that's what you do when you spend your life traveling from city to city--you buy shit for the kid while you wait in airport terminals because you aren't actually there to give it to the kid.

I swear to Zeus, this whole line of interrogation is becoming extremely fucking irritating. I don't like you trying to paint my dad like he's some dipshit--only me and Mom get to do that. So fuck you; he's my father, and you don't get to say what my mom should and shouldn't have done with his dipshit ass.

[–][deleted]1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–][deleted]2 points 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Yeah--I feel really appreciative of rantgrrl. Have you ever had a relationship with someone who wasn't there? Tried to stomach it as birthdays and christmases go by with maybe the odd call? Getting so psyched up for a weekend with your dad only to find out at the last minute that he's gotta be gone again? I was a fucking mess by middle school, wanting to slit my wrists just to gain some damn control over my life because I was blaming myself for having a fuck-up of a dad. I blamed myself for it all--for his job, for him leaving, for the divorce, for my mom's depression, for everything. It literally took me YEARS to get over the constant see-saw of his breeze-in-breeze-out lifestyle, what it did to us, how fucked up our family life got because of it. My mom's STILL not over it; and as you can probably tell, I've still got a few issues to work out as well.

That's why my mom discouraged him from visitation; not because she was being a cunt-bitch-psycho-queen, as apparently you and rantgrrl are trying to insinuate, but because she saw that her only fucking child was being driven slowly insane by her ex-husband. So like I said to rantgrrl, fuck you--you don't know me and my family, you don't know what we've been through, what we've been put through. I'll tolerate a lot of guff about deadbeat moms and dads in the abstract, but you had better fuckin' believe I will not stand for that shit in reference to my own family, neither towards my mother nor towards my father.

[–][deleted]1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

I had a largely absentee father as well. When he was around he was often physically abusive. And I don't mean he spanked me, I mean he held me up by my ankles and whipped me with his belt, or punched me in the stomach, at about 8 years old, and knocked the wind out of me. By the time I was 15 I saw him maybe a few weeks out of the year and I was scratching my wrists. I hadn't seen him in maybe 2 years when he died. You're not talking to someone who has no idea about bad fathering, and no one is telling you how you should feel about your family. My only concern was that you were the one making the decision not to have him in your life, and your mother wasn't making it for you. And from what you said in your original comments that was exactly what it looked like. Now you are suggesting that she was protecting you from a very damaging relationship. If that's the case then she did the right thing. And I'm sure rantgrrl would agree as she did say your mothers actions would be justified if your father was abusive. So, I'm sorry if there was a misunderstanding but from our perspective - with the information we had - it did look like your mother was keeping him from you and that is a serious problem in many families. You only told us your dad was immature, not that he was hurting you. I'm sorry if we upset you, it wasn't intentional.

[–][deleted]1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]chavelah1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–][deleted]2 points 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]rantgrrl1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Look, your story has changed multiple times.

The first time you posted it sounded like your dad was trying to have some sort of relationship and your mother was impeding.

You kept repeating that she had the right to do that because of some aspect of her relationship with him rather then his relationship with you.

That's not cricket. Because nothing you've said indicates he was any sort of danger to you. Even if he didn't have the kind of relationship she expected him to have with you, she shouldn't have impeded whatever relationship he did have with you. Unless he was a danger to you.

I don't like you trying to paint my dad like he's some dipshit

Wut? Freudian slip?

So fuck you; he's my father, and you don't get to say what my mom should and shouldn't have done with his dipshit ass.

You're taking money from a person you think is a dipshit?

Wow.

[–][deleted]1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Why do you think he's paying for my college--out of the goodness of his heart? Don't you think I feel guilty as hell letting him pay for me because he thinks he's being a good father after literally years of being unable to even be around as a dad? He could have taken a more stay-at-home job; he didn't. He could have switched companies and not used his job as an excuse; he didn't. I struggled for almost a year making money on my own before begrudgingly asking him for college help. He's always been happier being able to just send off a check, send a christmas card, whatever, and not have to worry about terrible things like responsibilities and obligations and loyalty.

It's a constant struggle just allowing him enough room to do what he is doing; it's like he feels he's making up for the past, even though neither of us can really forgive him. If you're not mature enough to understand how the people you love can hurt you without ever laying a hand on you, then go on your merry way. I hate the man, but he's still family.

[–]rantgrrl2 points 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–][deleted]1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

She didn't file for full custody--she didn't even discourage weekend visits when I was younger. She just saw that as the years progressed, his lifestyle was not doing anything near healthy for me; sometimes, he would go months without calling or writing, then show up with a bunch of presents like everything was okay. Have you ever had someone try to buy your love with gifts? That was about the extent of his "parenting." Like I said, by middle school, I couldn't handle the roller coaster anymore, and she discouraged him from making it any worse with his shitty behavior. But thanks for taking his side and for shitting all over my mom. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy knowing how much you care about actual deadbeat dads.

And for your information, I can't go to college without his money. It's a devil's bargain; and as much as I want to tell him to fuck off, I can't. Try imagining someone who had broken every promise they ever made, ruined every opportunity they got, and now you have to rely on that person to eat, to go to school, to survive. I won't even get into how entitled he now feels because of it. I think somewhere, in his deepest recesses, he's trying to make up for his bad behavior in the past--but again, he's always tried to make amends just by handing out checks. And again, thanks for taking his side. You seem just as unbalanced and immature as he is.

[–]rantgrrl1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Like I said, by middle school, I couldn't handle the roller coaster anymore, and she discouraged him from making it any worse with his shitty behavior. But thanks for taking his side and for shitting all over my mom.

And this post is nothing like what you've been saying for the past posts. This is the first time you've given any indication that your mother did this for you and not for herself.

The past posts have read 'my dad hurt my mom, she stopped me from seeing him because of that.' Or, bizarrely, 'my dad was not as involved as she wanted so she cut him out entirely.'

And again, thanks for taking his side.

The only side I'm taking is yours. One parent preventing another parent from having contact with a kid is wrong, it's abuse and justifying it because the custodial parent is doing it to punish the other parent for some wrong against them is also wrong. Your relationship with your father is yours not hers.

Now if she did it because he was hurting you, that's different. But you never indicated this till now. Aside from one mention in which you said that she said his lifestyle was a 'bad influence'--although you also said you disagreed with that.

[–][deleted]1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

I'll admit--I used to look up to him; I used to think he was half-superhero, always off on some adventure that he couldn't talk about. It wasn't until later that I realized what that "adventure" really was. My dad's always been incredibly nice--always apologetic, always trying to make up for lost time, always conciliatory. It's how he's so good at his job--he can literally sell you on anything. But that doesn't cover up the fact that he can manipulate people like puppets on strings.

I've spent years trying to separate the truth from the bullshit, and I've tried to visualize him as a real person and not just some sociopath or pathological liar. That's the real "injury" he's done to both me and mom--been unremittingly nice about toying with our emotions and ruining our expectations. How can you blame someone who apologizes so well??

Now if she did it because he was hurting you, that's different. But you never indicated this till now.

Sorry if I don't completely spill the beans on my entire fucking life to a random stranger on the internet, but if describing my own suicide attempts in earlier posts in this thread wasn't enough to justify to you my emotional turmoil, I don't know what will. I already feel exceedingly uncomfortable with having to justify myself to you and have tired of this conversation entirely. Can we just agree to disagree and let that be that?

[–]rantgrrl1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–][deleted]1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]rantgrrl1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

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[–]rantgrrl1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

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[–]rantgrrl1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

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[–]rantgrrl1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

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[–]internethardman0 points 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

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[–]fondueguy1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

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[–]fondueguy1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

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[–]fondueguy1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

He was hurting all of us, and I had to be the "man of the house" to take care of my own mother while in grade school because of the damage he wrought.

I have to say it sounds exactly as I feared. You took on way to much burden as a child and taking care of your mother is not really acceptable imo. IM NOT absolving your father but you weren't ever mean to repair her for a broken marriage or let that damage the relationship with your father.

She is an adult and she should have left you your space to develop, not put her pain on you. I'm sorry if its offensive but she needed to suck it up. You are a family... But just because your parents relationship sucks doesn't mean you have to take a side or jepordize your relationship with either parent.

For the little bit I've seen (and I really don't know your situation!!! Only some pieces you told me) it seems like your mother loaded her burdens/regret on you and interfered with your INDIVIDUAL relationship with your father. Husband does not equal father! And along with the faults you already mentioned your father should have fought for you more... Instead of think he had to go away.

Maybe you just had a hunky dory family life and never had to feel these horrible things

Not even close. But my parents usually did not draw me into their battles.

[–]rantgrrl1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]fondueguy1 point 14 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

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[–]hardwarequestions 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link