Double standards on the

MaunaLoona · 2012-08-11T19:50:13+00:00

I wonder what the ladies over at 2XC would make of this. They claim there's no such thing as friendzone.

Edit: Typo

MockingDead · 2012-08-11T19:48:03+00:00

I will play the devil's advocate here. Someone was being nice to him. That's as far as he understood it. then out of nowhere she makes a move. And he goes "uh..not interested."

And let's be honest, the way you describe it, she wasn't being nice to be nice. She was using it to entice him into a relationship.

Why do you want to pin blame on the guy, exactly?

So I am going to say 3: Your cousin was infatuated with a 19 year old and tried to ply him with stuff. He was not aware that this wasn't normal friend behavior, and so accepted it. She missed is "I am not interested signal" and he mistook her presents as friendship. You want to blame him for being a "jerk." Your cousin should maybe look elsewhere and you should calm down.

FingerPaddle · 2012-08-11T18:44:59+00:00

The title was supposed to say "Double standards on the Friendzone" sorry

MechPlasma · 2012-08-11T20:37:03+00:00

Both of them are at fault, for separate reasons. Your cousin, for being that - let's be blunt - stupid. I don't feel should elaborate on how. And the friend, for being okay with it. Anyone who knew of the situation were also at fault. Nearly as much as that friend, I'd say.

And no, genders don't matter. I'd say the only people who would say it does were people who don't really think about it, and feminists who are too overly-eager to accuse someone of being a "Nice Guy".

That being said: no, your cousin certainly isn't being sexist. The poster was just (I assume) one of those people who believe... something something... men expect girlfriends? I thought I understood the reasoning, but I guess not.

TommyGun991 · 2012-08-11T21:19:10+00:00

Firstly, it is a flaw of our fucked up society that people think that other people are nice just because they have an agenda. That is fucked up. Secondly, I can not, I'm really trying, but I can not see how can any of this be sexist only when the male is the reciever of niceties.

Let's take a look at reproduction: men want to impress women, a woman has a lot of courtiers so when she rejects 20 and ends up with one guy, it's just ''natural selection''. That's how their brains are wired so they see nothing wrong with that. I myself, on the other hand, hate the notion that I have to ''impress'' a woman, especially when that process includes faking and doing things that are not part of my personality.

I know that many many women will not agree with me that these situations are gender neutral. It's basically bribing and I categorically object to material possesions being used as bribe in the courtship process.

I would also alter your last sentence: "A guy really had his hopes up about dating me and possible marrying me, he liked me, thus he was good to me... What a misogynistic ass." It makes me so sad.

You know who is wrong? The person who accepts these bribes while knowing their purpose. It is gender neutral. Anyway, the person who wrote that comment in the op was right, niceness as bribe is wrong. But then also, women accepting free drinks is wrong. But then, accepting free drinks is also sexist and then everything we used when courting is sexist, because we do it to get the person we want to. You can't say that a guy thinking ''hm, I'm going to be myself, I'll be good to her and hope for the best'' is sexist.

bucketh3ad · 2012-08-11T20:28:58+00:00

If you don't clearly communicate your intentions from the start, you're setting yourself up for rejection. That goes for everyone, men and women. If the other person isn't receptive to your advances, better to know that before investing time and money in a relationship that isn't going anywhere.

Your cousin made a mistake, the other guy wasn't mature enough to realize what was happening (or if he did, he wasn't mature enough to discuss it), and nobody took the time to make it clear to the other what was really going on.

So here's what I'm going to say. Not #1. Not #2. (Though everyone's opinion should be heard. "Privilege" is a thinly veiled ad hominem fallacy)

3. They both made the mistake of not clearly communicating what they wanted out of that relationship, which led to false assumptions, which led to hurt feelings.

Communication ftw.

occupythekitchen · 2012-08-11T22:52:55+00:00

What fuck? where's tl;dr also how many marijuanas have you smoked?

occupythekitchen · 2012-08-11T22:55:24+00:00

I had a similar situation my friend's girlfriend would constantly invite me out and buy me drinks/other things and I thought it was because she liked my friendship. Later on she broke up with my friend and asked me out. Did I accept, nope my friend told me he wanted to marry her and i couldn't do that to him.

Anyways, it's your cousins fault for thinking she can buy love

masuabie · 2012-08-12T04:04:45+00:00

Gender doesn't matter, you shouldn't buy someone into a relationship. She's wrong for that mindset, he's wrong for accepting everything and not expecting something deeper.

rottingchrist · 2012-08-12T04:18:33+00:00

Who was in the wrong in that situation?

The guy is certainly more in the wrong. He led her on, he accepted her gifts. I'm pretty sure he was aware of what was going on.

What your cousin did was naive but not unreasonable.

People warm up to each other over the course of a friendship and I have found quite a few people attractive after I had known them for a while and built a friendship with them. So it's certainly possible to think that way. But for someone to exploit that and accept gifts and such without reciprocating and leading someone on (you don't spend so much time and money on someone you don't want to build a relationship with), is certainly wrong.

So yeah, the guy exploited her naivete and she chased false hope.

No double standards here. That's what I think of the situation regardless of whether it is a guy or a girl having that kind of unrequited love and hoping that it may be reciprocated.

So fuck that argument and the insinuation that men would suddenly start to think otherwise if you swapped the genders in that situation. My opinions are not borne from blind self-interest.

Unconfidence · 2012-08-12T07:54:15+00:00

The fact is that relationships are complicated, and I don't just mean the romantic kind. Sometimes someone gets rejected, and it's because the other person just sucks. Sometimes a person gets rejected and it's because they suck. More often than not its doses of both. In your case, OP, the guy was being a jerk; unless he was somehow completely oblivious to her desires, he shouldn't be accepting such gifts. In other cases, I see guys hit on a girl, get rejected, then either get angry with her or just, be generally negative about it.

The thing is, people like to use the term Friendzone, and denigrate it, because they generalize into one side. I don't know what possesses people to do this, but they do. I was friendzoned by a girl once. I don't consider it bad, really. It's just rejection; I've felt it before, and the only thing that distinguished this time was that we were friends both before and after. Am I wrong in that, for being friendzoned? Judging by the posts you linked, I must be some kind of horrible person, even though I don't hold any grudge for it, and in general, I've gotten over it. Was I a little upset at first? Sure, but I kept it to myself. How is that bad? How would it be bad if I had complained about it?

But people love to jump on bandwagons. The hatred of people who even use the term friendzone, or complain about it, is one of many new bandwagons on which people like to jump. It's not that the things actually happening, when explained, are worth their criticism; in fact, if you were to bring a bunch of people who were friendzoned to that thread, I doubt the OP would have a problem with any of their individual stories. Nobody there would be an asshole, but still, people who complain about being friendzoned are bad, somehow.

It's a simple case of a bunch of people hating on an ideal in their head which really doesn't exist. Like I said at the beginning of this post, relationships are complicated, way more complicated than to be able to be generalized in statements such as the ones they're attempting there. So don't worry, it's just people trying to be cool, and not thinking about things hard enough. Usually, when you do, you stop having so much hate, and start being a little understanding.

FingerPaddle · 2012-08-11T19:49:03+00:00

[permanently deleted]

rightsbot · 2012-08-11T18:44:18+00:00

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Title	Double standards on the
Author	FingerPaddle
Upvotes	31
Comments	45
Date	August 11, 2012 6:42 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/y22yq/double_standards_on_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/double-standards-on-the.1016060 https://theredarchive.com/post/1016060

Comments

3. They both made the mistake of not clearly communicating what they wanted out of that relationship, which led to false assumptions, which led to hurt feelings.