How do you guys handle your child being ‘programmed’?

XavierMalory · 2019-10-30T11:35:45+00:00

How much are you involved in your child’s life? I am dealing with an ex-wife who has BPD also, but in my situation I have 50-50 custody. It’s been this way since our split in 2014 and eventual divorce.

The best advice I can give is to simply keep spending time, as much as you can, with your kid and let them find out on their own. That’s essentially what happened with mine. She tried to poison them as best she could, I never gave in to her tactics. I simply spent time with my kids and showed them how much I love them. My lawyer told me that if I were to stoop to her level and badmouth her to my children, it would be very traumatizing for them. It’s already bad enough that one parent they love very much is talking smack about another parent they love very much. If that were to go the other way around as well, that would be truly disheartening and confusing for them.

Flash forward to the current year, and my children are now in their early and mid teens. They are both seeing the truth about their mother and they are realizing that she is not a very good person. They’ve asked me questions about her, but I still try and answer with a neutral expression because I do not want to badmouth her. I will never want to stoop that low.

My point is, as long as you spend time with your child and it’s positive quality time, they will find out eventually who the real good parent is and who the scum bag is.

Saishi-Ningen · 2019-10-30T11:38:54+00:00

What you're describing is called parental alienation and is a form of abuse. FYI: BPD is how a lot of therapists cop out of telling their patients they have narcissistic personality disorder.

Sustainable_Guy · 2019-10-30T12:30:16+00:00

Sorry, I don't think I have an experience directly related to your situation, but 'programming' is pretty much the norm in relationships. it's is often very subtle : they are wrong, they are mistaken, they have the wrong impression etc. Unlike in your case when seems to be wishing one dead.

I think your difficulty to explain to your child, might actually be your greatest weapon. Children are much more preceptive to actions than words. They usually don't give a shit about age/religion/race/gender as long as they are having fun and feel loved. So the best thing you could do to be the best father than the situation allows you to be.

It's a long game, and she will inevitably be caught up in all this. The mother will get more aggressive if your child's affection to you does not go away. She might teach her to say what a bad person you are. But if you are not that person she will know. When she is older she will understand. Then she can choose.

If you feed her the same thing that her mother feeds her, she will grow up not trusting either of you.

Don't try to reprogram her, but you don't have to keep silent either. Teach her to think for herself. If your daughter says something to the effect of : "mom says you are XYZ person", ask her what she actually thinks.

Then you will know - and that is all that matters.

11poster925 · 2019-10-30T12:42:38+00:00

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michelle1pa · 2019-10-30T12:06:14+00:00

I sorry. My sister has she of what I strongly suspect is BPD though she was never officially labeled as such. Emotional manipulation, it’s awful. And I imagine it’s much worse having a child with someone like that.

MrStone1 · 2019-10-30T13:44:41+00:00

Just stay, Stay in your kids' life any way possible, Her shit only sticks if you're not around.

If you are always happy when you see your daughter and always smile when you make eye contact, And don't get into it with her mother under any circumstances you will win out.

I've had it for 14 years, it lasted until my oldest was ten and she came out of the house and started calling me all te cunts under the sun, It was my son who turned around and told her to stop lying.

It isn't easy to deal with women like this but you can do it with an alteration of perspective, You're not equal, she is stuck in perpetual adolescence and will never develop beyond where she is now, You can and your daughter will come to understand how a man is supposed to behave and how a mother isn't.

It seems impossible when they are so young and impressionable, But when the things they are being told about there fathers just doesn't play out in reality eventually the penny drops and they are woken up to the world.

Stay healthy, Keep whatever mental health shit you have as a consequence of this away from your daughter and always re-iterate the positive aspects off life to your daughter, Kids are smart as shit and develop there own nuanced perspectives to the behaviour they see around them

I used to make excuses for the mothers behaviour to the kids (hard life, shitty dad, cunty upbringing etc) and it lasted until I drove to pick them up at one in the morning after she had smashed the kitchen up, leaving glass all over the floor and the house looking like a bomb had went off in it, I really didn't want my kids hating their mother so i would try to mitigate the things she done, Right up until my kid looked at me and said "so has yours and you're not like it, she doesn't have to be", I just concentrated on doing the right thing by them from then on.

Never get into a fight with a crazy person, you can not predict how far they will go, they will drag you into deep water and drown you, Just out grow her.

It isn't easy though mate, You'll be glad you have done it though

v573v · 2019-10-30T20:25:20+00:00

I’ve done everything I can to protect the image of my daughters mom and her family

That’s a hill not worth fighting for so stop fighting for it because while you are pouring all of your resources into it you are losing your daughter and who wins in the end? Not you and not your daughter.

Your daughter is what counts and her relationship with you and by being the ‘better man’ you are making your daughter fatherless.

vanillatootsierolls · 2019-10-30T21:51:44+00:00

Kids are smart and will figure it out.

11poster925 · 2019-10-30T23:51:11+00:00

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jp_mra · 2019-10-31T00:46:42+00:00

Place a hidden audio/video recorder in your childs stuff for while visiting mom.

mewacketergi · 2019-10-30T12:53:00+00:00

This is a serious situation, u/11poster925, and you probably shouldn't be relying on random sympathetic strangers on the internet for advice on this, -- if you fight your kid's mom on this, your kid suffers, if you let it go on unopposed, your kid suffers in a different way... You need to proceed very carefully. I would talk to a good child psychologist for advice, preferably one who isn't an explicit feminist, and specializes in parental alienation and difficult situations like these.

Title	How do you guys handle your child being ‘programmed’?
Author	11poster925
Upvotes	59
Comments	39
Date	October 30, 2019 11:00 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/dp55dr/how_do_you_guys_handle_your_child_being_programmed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/how-do-you-guys-handle-your-child-being-programmed.1203072 https://theredarchive.com/post/1203072

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