Stats:

33 yrs BF%: 12 5’10” 160 lbs Push pull legs cardio split 4days/week BP 200 DL 225

Reading: Attached, NMMNG

Finances: college admin job 40k/ yr, military reserves 4k-20k/yr, doordash $200-500/month

Spiritual: pulpit supply pastor, small group, Bible reading plan, could improve quiet time ——

Any other girl I would just get over her, but this one I’ve had signs from God to pursue her and now wait for her.

I would never wait for a girl that dumped me, but now I’m conflicted as I’ve gotten several signs from God to wait. When we broke up she said “she doesn’t feel like God wants her to be in this relationship.” While there may be some truth with her having some disturbed peace with God as we pushed purity boundaries, I know that she actually broke up with me bc I became insecure, needy, and lost my masculine frame.

About the signs: I returned to my college town to prepare for ministry and find a wife. I prayed about it my my future wife was in this office at my new job, then the next week I got placed in a room to shadow her. I NEVER date women at work so I was in disbelief of this for a while.

Month one I told her “I feel like God brought us together,” which she said “I do too” and went on to elaborate how God showed her a sign confirming it (I blurted out a random verse by the Holy Spirit on our second date that had great significance to her).

I made all the classic mistakes (made her the center of my world, drinking beer, video games, not working out, not pursing my calling, pushing boundaries of sexual purity). She didn’t want to kiss before marriage which I was having trouble with (anxious/avoidant trap). Later she said she wish she never did.

After the breakup, I went NC and it’s been 6 months. I prayed to God everyday and every week for the first 40 days I believe received signs after praying if I should wait for her to comeback or move on to another girl.

For example, I prayed and then was at church. We were studying Numbers and the pastor connects it to Mt. 6:19-21. Moments later a note pops out of my Bible that I didn’t know was in there. She used to write notes and leave it on my desk at work. It was that same verse she had written me.

Another time I started doordashing after work to make more money. I hadn’t done it in 2 years and doordashed from 2019-2021. My very first order was her address! (upstairs neighbor). I had never delivered there before, so it is just a very odd coincidence as there are thousands of addresses in my town and this was 1 hour after I prayed in distress.

These sort of signs continued to happen and I don’t know what to make of it. On one hand the best way for me to go is to move on and self improve. But I have a lot of guilt of disobeying God by pursuing another woman.

I know that it’s possible that I’ve looked for signs that aren’t there in desperation, but many of these have been too coincidental for me to dismiss.

Moving on: I’ve talked to several pastors who just say “trust God” with this, but I don’t know if I should reach out to her and tell her about these signs. I feel like that would only push her away more and make me look obsessed.

I’ve been self improving (pursuing mission/purpose, preaching in churches, Bible reading plan, prayer, lifting, small group attendance, making more money on military orders, therapy, etc).

What do I do?

Should I reach out now? Reach out when I get back home in October? Move on to another woman and “trust God”? Move on but stay single? NC indefinitely with no closure?

This is destroying my mental health. Need some advice guys.