How to approach "proposing"?

Red-Curious · 2018-03-06T17:03:07+00:00

[permanently deleted]

RedPillWonder · 2018-03-06T16:21:50+00:00

My first idea was to ask her several marriage related questions (e. g. would you try to respect me in a marriage, would you recognize me as your head in a marriage )

If you don't already know the answers to these questions, do not get married.

And I don't mean a "Well I asked one time and she answered the right way." You should have talked about these things in depth. Likely on multiple occasions.

Moreover, not just these questions, but many marriage related topics and questions. To be clear, I don't think you should sit her down and rapid fire interview her or anything.

But these are things that should have come up in the course of conversations. If they haven't, then bring one up and you'll likely find one leads to another, then branches out to this related topic over here... then on to something else.

Have the two of you ever had one of those chats that somehow turned into a 2-3 hour conversation that covered a great many things?

You should know (in depth) her thoughts, views. feelings, beliefs, desires, etc on things like headship and submission, sex (frequency, what she's willing to do or not do. Even if she's a virgin, she's certainly thought about it and has ideas of what she wants, generally how often, etc ), communication, commitment, definitions of cheating (is it physical sex only? Kissing on the lips? Sexting? You get the idea. Avoid all of that with anyone not your spouse, obviously, but you two want to be exactly on the same page as far as knowing where the other stands).

You two should know all about all of the above, plus do you want kids? How many? And while happy accidents happen, at what stage in your marriage in general? Do you want to spend a few years together before trying? Is she going to be a stay a SAHM or work full or part time? Is daycare or family members going to be an option to keep them? How will you discipline your children? You two better be on the same page with this or it'll just lead to problems.

And we haven't even gotten to money. Is she frugal or a spender? Is she OK with you making the financial decisions? Joint accounts? Separate? Budgeting?

How does she feel about having or not having close friends of the opposite sex? And what do you or her mean by that? For example, are texts, emails, etc OK? Grabbing lunch or a movie with a friend of the opposite sex?

What does she think about divorce? Is it a "well it happens, sometimes people just fall out of love, it's sometimes for the best... etc." Run. Fast. The other way.

Or is more of a "Ugh! I hate the thought of divorce. Marriage is sacred and holy and if you say a vow to someone, then you move heaven and earth and you keep it. It's you and me and God together against the world!" or similar thoughts. This won't guarantee you'll never get divorced but you definitely want a woman who thinks and feels like this. The former type of woman would probably bail within the first several years or sooner, especially if times get tough.

Are there red flags in her past? How many sexual partners has she had? Are her parents divorced? Did she have a good relationship with her dad? Is she on medication for any reason and for what? Has she suffered any kind of abuse or trauma?

You can find women who have suffered one or more of these and who still end up being a good wife, but you should know about them and go into this very clear eyed, because they most certainly do have an effect on her and can greatly influence how she acts with and toward you in the marriage.

There's more, but let's try and wrap this comment up.

Don't ask leading ones, make them open ended and let her share her true feelings, and not give answers she thinks you want to hear.

Also, has she ever asked you about any or all of this? A marriage minded woman worth her salt is going to want to know all about you and your views on a great many things, in order to know whether she wants to be married to you. If she hasn't asked or brought up topics like this, that's more than a little odd.

Red-Curious · 2018-03-06T13:57:25+00:00

Definitely not the first option, unless your frame is a cold robotic dictator. Personally, I reject the heartless frame and like to be fun and upbeat. If your frame is fun and upbeat, your proposal should be as well. Whatever your frame is, stick with that and follow through.

I get the impression you're trying to teach her a lesson. You want to control her. You can't. Besides, women change their minds all the time, so she might answer the right things today and decide differently tomorrow. Acta non verba.

Go have fun with it, but above all: do what you want. If you want to make a big extravaganza about it, go do that. If you want to just ask her on the couch after a tv show, do that. But undercutting what you want to do just to sound and feel macho is neither RP nor in your own frame.

RedPillWonder · 2018-03-06T18:06:36+00:00

Edit: There seems to be the misconception that i haven't discussed with her everything that is important. I did so thoroughly over a period of 10 months.

OK. Then why did you write/ask:

would you try to respect me in a marriage, would you recognize me as your head in a marriage

What purpose does this serve?

Just to make sure one last time?

Do you think by asking these it makes her think about you and marriage so therefore, it leads to a greater likelihood of her saying yes?

You don't have to answer, I'll simply go with /u/Red-Curious response of "definitely not the first one." Do. Not. Do. This.

TheGlassStone · 2018-03-06T14:03:56+00:00

I proposed to my wife shortly after the first time I banged her. I was not a virgin; she was. We’d known each other for 12 years and had dated for 3 months. But you do you.

Title	How to approach "proposing"?
Author	cornthians12345
Upvotes	6
Comments	26
Date	March 6, 2018 1:40 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/82f4hf/how_to_approach_proposing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/how-to-approach-proposing.302005 https://theredarchive.com/post/302005

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