Hello! I hope this is the right place to discuss this, and that it is ok that I'm new to everything. I just married the finest man in the world, and now I want to feel like I am worthy of him. I hope to address some of my faults and try to be a better person.

I'd like to start with being cleaner. I have enough consistent cleaning habits to keep the department of health off my doorstep, but it always feels like I'm rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. I can keep the kitchen and bathrooms pretty nice, and the pets' areas, so baseline sanitation gets priority of what little patience I have for cleaning. But that's usually all I've got. There's always piles I never know what we're doing with. We are both pack rats (or "curators," if you will), so Husband actually likes that I'm not "anal" or "a germ-phobe." He treasures everything he has ever owned, pretty much, and lives in fear of having his stuff thrown out or not taken care of. (Probably the only reason some other girl didn't grab him up before I did). He is a master at repairing things and has saved so much money not having to buy crap or hire help every time something breaks that it should count as a source of income. The other good news is, our house has a lot of room for storage, as much as it feels to me like we have already filled it up. He has been building shelves and things to optimize the space he needs for all his projects. He hates minimalism. He likes having all his stuff accessible, which often looks like a mess to me. But I know he appreciates how nice the house looks whenever I panic-clean the day before a party. So the good news is, I can panic-clean. But basic cleaning habits - and, especially, motivation - are some changes I could make to help me conquer the piles.

Currently, I'm motivated to avoid cleaning. I really liked to clean when I was 4 or 5, but at some point I began associating it with failure and parents getting mad at me for not doing it right, or enough. They made me clean and do chores as a kid, but it always came with their anger and disappointment. They were unusually good parents, and it was one of the only times and situations where they made me feel like garbage. Of course, I deserved it. As a teenager, whenever I started to clean, my siblings had to choose that moment to comment about what a slob I was. Without fail, I'd have been left alone and not insulted if I continued avoiding cleaning. Nowadays, the act of cleaning reminds me I'm a slob and causes me to feel extreme guilt for all the times I didn't clean. Then I think about all my other failures.

It's often the case that when I try to improve my cleaning habits, bad things happen. I lose things, I break things, I find something that reminds me of a bad memory and become too depressed to complete what I was doing. I always conclude the world is going to shit and what's the point. I cannot clean without being tormented by horrible feelings. But with the happiness of my marriage, with a loving and supportive husband to benefit from it, I am hoping to jump-start new habits built on a new outlook. It's a whole new life! My husband shocked me by telling me I need to prioritize my health over everything, even work and cleaning. Not "stop being so dramatic." Not, "Walk it off." He says, "You should rest." Even if I just have a cold, or cramps. Nobody has ever told me that. But that makes me want to give him the nicest, cleanest place to come home to!

On top of that baggage, I work a VERY difficult, energy-sucking job all week (he does too), and there will be days I won't be able to lift a finger even when/ if I drastically improve my cleaning habits. But that's definitely not every day. Every day, though, I usually can't face all the demons that come out when I clean, in addition to the workday tiredness. So...

...does anyone know any helpful tricks for motivating yourself to clean? Or perhaps, cleaning without need for motivation? Does anyone know of any blogs or books where people who struggle with similar mental blocks to cleaning model how they have overcome it? Can anyone recommend things to read about cleaning, reconditioning your brain not to demon-haunt you when you clean, different ways of looking at it, inspiration? Playlists? Thank you!

tl;dr: Seeking advice. I want to be better at keeping my house clean for my new husband. On close examination of my own psychology related to cleaning, however, I'm just as messed up on the inside and I need help and inspiration to forage a new outlook and better habits.