I have a question about self harm scars.

CoochQuarantine · 2016-09-08T14:07:48+00:00

Well this is a tricky one because it all depends on the man. Something like that is extremely personal so I am going to defer to Laura Doyle's advice on showing your ugly. That is going to come out naturally. He is going to ask a question in the summer about you wearing long sleeves, or the beach, or whatever but eventually you not showing your arms is a question that he is going to come up with. At that time you need to be open, honest, and also discuss why you don't show your arms or reveal it just to anyone. This could actually be a point that could bring you and someone closer together. I have ugly in my past that has come up and it just comes out naturally. Don't force. Don't set up "a talk" with them. When they ask anything related to it, just DONT LIE. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Also, be prepared that someone may not want to accept that in a partner. You should be mentally prepared for that. Maybe even come up with how you want to tell someone. Practice it. You don't have to reveal your ugly toeveryone or anyone you don't want to, but if you see yourself with someone then you need to divulge completely because that is something that could be a red flag or a hard limit for someone.

On a side note, good for you for recognizing that this may be something that comes up and wanting to deal with it head on. As someone who knows about it (not first hand) overcoming the baggage that brought you to self harm is a big deal. Just keep working on yourself. :D

Camille11325 · 2016-09-08T14:45:04+00:00

Both /u/CoochQuarantine and /u/Littleknownfacts have given excellent advice I just wanted to ask if you were doing anything to get rid of the scars? Even if a man is understanding of your past and willing to date you, I can't imagine he'd be okay with you literally never showing your arms for the rest of your life.

In case you haven't looked into it yet, consider getting some at home chemical peels (or you could get them done professionally, whatever is more appealing to you). Make Up Artist's Choice makes excellent peels, their body peel specifically designed to fade scars has no downtime. I use the face version of this peel and it is awesome! Also Kat Von D's lock it tattoo foundation has been used successfully by many to cover tattoos and other dark body marks so it's also something to consider in the interim. To be clear this isn't to try to deceive anyone; if you are actively working on eliminating the scars that will show the man you're interested in that you're not dwelling on the past.

Best of luck!

Littleknownfacts · 2016-09-08T14:05:24+00:00

When would be an appropriate time to bring up this issue, and how should I go about it?

If and only when he asks. Probably he will know what they are as soon as he sees them and hopefully by that point you have already shown to be a stable and sane person. But if he turns tail and runs, you can't blame him, or hate him for it, because it is a huge red flag. All you can do is take the time before he sees them to try and show him that you have changed.

Irisandoleander · 2016-09-08T14:50:33+00:00

Cassie,

What a tough topic. I'm sorry you had that darkness in your past but I'm so happy you have found a good place to be. Are you still seeing a counselor/therapist? (Assuming you were) I had a few friends in college who silently self harmed and I know the struggles now in their adult life is still very real. So I wish you all the best!

As for topic of when to tell. I agree with Cooch very much. It will slowly come out, when it does just lay it out there. But you don't need to force the conversation until the relationship is at that point. A RPW should always use caution when stepping into a physical relationship with a man so you may go out on lots of first and second dates ... even third and forth... with men before you find one you would like to start truly vetting to be a LTR.

About arms, have you spoken with any dermatologists. My sister has horrible acne scaring (different, I know) but maybe there are some options for you? At least to mitigate the damage?

saltylife11 · 2016-09-08T15:42:04+00:00

Dated a girl with the same scars. Made me think of her as real human with real struggles not some perfect plastic thing. So I liked it. She just wore normal clothes. She never brought it up and neither did I. We focused on the present. Neither of us were stupid. I knew what they were.

TL;DR:Just own it.

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2016-09-08T17:15:07+00:00

I actually have a few self harm scars from when I was a teenager as well, although mine aren't as noticeable and only obvious in certain light.

The other girls are correct in that yes, you will drive away some prospects. However, there are still men out there that will accept you for who you are, what you've been through and how you've grown out of it. It shows that you are resilient and a fighter. My past two LTRs still loved me for them, they actually became even more protective of me afterwards. And my current LTR doesn't care as well; he equates it to "a stupid tattoo people do when they're young." If your man has lived, he will understand nearly everyone has done something impulsive when they're younger, yours are just visible on your body.

That being said, you do have to prove yourself to be a stable human being even more because of this. Prove that you can handle life and work on the other SMV traits like being pleasant and feminine. You might not be able to be as picky with the men who choose you, but there are still a lot out there who will accept you for who you are.

[deleted] · 2016-09-08T19:03:51+00:00

What everyone else said.

Of course this info is not the kind of thing to discuss on a first date, ever. But if you wait until you've been dating for a year, it's way too late. So it has to come up sometime between the first date and "we are a couple". I would say it will be sometime around the time when you get exclusive that the revelation needs to be made.

nomnomponytail · 2016-09-08T23:08:51+00:00

I treated a large scar on my leg with copper peptides. It was pretty big swatch on my outer thigh left over from "road rash" from a scooter accident. Just make sure it's pure GHK-Cu, not a cheap serum with nondescript "peptides". Clinically, Copper Peptides been shown to reduce scarring an impressive, measurable amount.

You will have to start with a low concentration and work your way up. Your skin may look crepey every time you titrate the concentration. You may need to plateau for months at a high concentration to see results with scarring.

You could look into using a derma-roller. However, with your history of self-harm that might not be the best option for you.

rainyweathergirl · 2016-09-11T17:15:52+00:00

I would suggest you invest in surgical treatments to cover the scars or even tattoos if you have to. I don't particularly like tattoos but self harm scars will really cause problems for you. I won't tell my personal story, because I don't think Reddit should know but mine have caused me nothing but problems over the years. It's been very hard to convince anyone that sees them that I am not a lunatic. It was a particularly awful problem when I decided to have children. Because of the treatment I experienced during my antenatal appointments and by medical staff for having this issue I am scared to have any more children unless I go private (my country has universal health care). I have no money of my own because I am a sahm and my husband wont pay to have them minimized.

Title	I have a question about self harm scars.
Author	CassieLassie
Upvotes	12
Comments	29
Date	September 8, 2016 1:48 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/51rdkq/i_have_a_question_about_self_harm_scars/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/i-have-a-question-about-self-harm-scars.209607 https://theredarchive.com/post/209607

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