Looking for practical advice on how to stop being a control freak

Heyitstuesday · 2016-07-18T17:47:54+00:00

I'd recommend reading this post.

Also, I sometimes find it helpful to wait until the next day if I think of an argument I'm about to start. If it wasn't important I'll have forgotten all about it next morning, and if it really is an important issue I'll be calmer and be able to communicate what I want more clearly. Good luck! :)

CoochQuarantine · 2016-07-18T17:53:46+00:00

So you have got an uphill battle in front of you and you want something that is going to fix it right away. That ain't gonna happen.

Firstly, I commend you for realizing that you need to take responsibility for your actions. That is really important. Becoming an easy going person isn't something that just happens over night. You snapping and being critical won't magically go away. However, what you do with that is what you can fix while you are learning coping skills.

If you find that you snap and bitch, apologize. Do not say things like "I wouldn't have snapped if you didnt' do XYZ". Just apologize and own your behavior. FULLY. Once you have apologized, then you can use the STFU method. Walk away. Think about why you need to control, why you snapped, why you were irrational. Think about those things until you have come up with a reason.. NOT AN EXCUSE.. then talk to your SO about them. "I feel X when Y is happening." Statements like that will shift the focus from what he is doing "wrong" to what a particular situation inspires in you.

After a while, you will find that there are patterns to your behavior. They can be as small as you getting tense when guests are around to you freaking out because your SO is always late. Here are some examples from my own life.

I cannot sit in the passenger seat without being filled with fear. This stems from being in car accidents.

I do not appreciate when my SO is late or makes me late. This stems from abandonment issues from my childhood.

Acknowledging where your fears are coming from will allow you to be more vulnerable with your SO. He will understand you better. Once you have that down, you then start to realize that you can let go just a bit more each time. You have to basically train yourself to respond to stimulus differently.

In my examples, I now read while in the passenger seat to distract myself instead of bitching that he is going too fast, or didn't take the right turn. I now allow myself to read some AA literature while I am waiting and do not even look at the clock if I am waiting. I also make sure that any plans I have include a buffer so that being late becomes a non-issue. Basically, I take steps to mitigate my crazy before they come out.

I personally recommend this book called "Dont sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff" and on more of a relationship note The Surrendered Wife.

Learning to stifle your inner bitch is a long process and not one method is going to work for everyone. Don't beat yourself up about it and just work hard to do better from now on.

Good luck :)

EDIT: Actually, now that I read a little bit more into your post I think you should read the CTFO Method. It seems like you're stressed that trying to change isn't happening over night. So maybe try that too.

TempestTcup · Mon Jul 18 17:50:46 2016 UTC

/u/coochquarantine has a great post The STFU Method that might help. Basically, you think about what is about to come out of your mouth, and if it is disrespectful or nagging, you STFU instead. It is difficult at first, but gets easier with time. If you don't get it right at first, you keep trying; it usually takes about six months to a year to internalize it.

plein_old · 2016-07-18T20:37:55+00:00

some very practical advice

You might try something like mindfulness meditation.

Often people find that doing these things makes them really upset with themselves, because their pefectioninstic habits kick in. Then they can let go and relax. Over and over.

When you can do this by yourself - practicing relaxing rather than needing things to be perfect - then it's that much less stress on your SO, because he doesn't have to suffer through it with you. :)

Or a musical instrument. Something that you'll want to try to do perfectly, but will need to learn patience and compassion when you actually do it, because you can't do it perfect.

Also the other advice you're getting here I think is great.

souponastick · 2016-07-18T21:28:32+00:00

The one thing that has really helped me is remembering people lived before me, and will live after me.

My best friend didn't take the route to a destination that I would have taken? Oh well. She made it. Maybe she needed the extra 10 minutes of solitude to think about things.

My roommate didn't do what I wanted, when I wanted? Oh well. It'll get done. Whether by him in his time frame, or by me if I can't wait. But I remind myself that if I take over I'm not allowed to bitch about it cause it was ultimately my choice.

I really tell myself "they lived well before you, and would live well without you. They don't need you to babysit them, which is ultimately what you're trying to do", and that works to reign in my blowups.

marmar80 · 2016-07-19T07:28:54+00:00

Recovering control freak here. One of the best books I could have read is The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. You're trying to control everything out of fear. I was driven by fear also and an inability to put my wants and needs and fears out there because nobody would want to help me. Right now I am reading, Self- Compassion: The power or Being Kind to Yourself by Kristen Neff. I can't believe how hard we are on ourselves, mainly for self protection and fear of being vulnerable. Internalization of all this information is a daily practice in self-control and self respect. Fight, girl, cause you're worth it!

PhantomDream09 · 2016-07-18T18:20:25+00:00

A few of the ladies here have had a lot of success with trying a 1-2 week challenge where you only say positive, encouraging, pleasant things to your SO/in general. You can keep a daily log and track your missteps, and detail how you recovered.

Control is so often an illusion, people tend to overestimate just how much is actually within their sphere of influence. You may think that achieving perfection will bring a sense of peace, happiness, or tranquility into your life/relationship - but really all you're doing is driving yourself (and your man) crazy with all this obsessing and overreacting.

Do you currently work out or have hobbies that help you relax? There are helpful and harmful behaviors when it comes to being organized, or tracking certain things.

I think it's important for you to ask yourself if you are making covert contracts in your mind, and whether or not one of the reasons you react irrationally is because the vision you had in your head isn't matching up with reality - and that somehow means everything is falling apart.

Try asking yourself "what's the absolute worst thing that can happen?" If your answer doesn't include someone getting severely injured, dying, or otherwise maimed - chances are everything will be just fine.

It can be a really scary process for some women to sit back and trust their SO more - but it's really important that you learn to do so, otherwise your behavior will eventually either break him or run him off entirely.

If you haven't done so already, take a look at the "Field Reports" that other users have submitted by clicking the flair on the sidebar.

Good luck, and I do hope you give the challenge a try. :0)

Title	Looking for practical advice on how to stop being a control freak
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	12
Comments	17
Date	July 18, 2016 5:31 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4tgcfr/looking_for_practical_advice_on_how_to_stop_being/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/looking-for-practical-advice-on-how-to-stop-being.209784 https://theredarchive.com/post/209784

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