Sharing the load when it comes to making and running a home

JessJaggery · 2016-12-05T01:14:24+00:00

My husband works very long hours, so the majority of the tasks fall to me out of practicality.

He works, takes care of scheduling appointments and making phone calls (he can do this from work, plus, I have a phone phobia), picking up takeout and other errands that may need to be done on his way home. He fixes any technology issues at home with our phones/computers/TVs, etc. He also does our taxes and tax planning.

He takes the kids with him (minus the nursing baby) when he does errands on the weekends and drops them off/picks them up from activities as needed.

I do all of the cleaning/household tasks, all the rest of the child-related tasks, and I also manage all the finances. He was in charge of those at the beginning of our marriage, but he just doesn't have the time to manage them properly (bills were always late, and he lacked the big picture understanding of things) and we got into some debt because he never set any limits on our spending or told me how much was left. We both felt it would be better for me to take over, so for the last 10 years it's been my job, since I have time as a SAHM to do all the budgeting, and I'm the one who does most of the spending anyway.

For physically challenging things around the house (repairs, plumbing, gardening, etc) we hire them out. My husband isn't handy, nor is he here most of the time, so this works better for us.

cats_or_get_out · 2016-12-05T03:54:43+00:00

Men really need to be useful and to feel useful (yep, I said it, feels, man). So what you may be interpreting as stress may in fact be "good stress." It gets them in the zone. We may be viewing it from a "how I would feel in this situation" kind of mindset, but they aren't us. :-)

One big problem military families face is reintegrating after months apart. She is accustomed to doing everything, and he feels like he doesn't have a place or role or importance in the family. They crave being needed and depended upon even when it makes them stressed. The chaplains teach us to learn how to let go from doing everything--it's a hard habit to break.

Also, I think we need to be wary of the Mom Zone. If you, in your eagerness to make everything less stressful for him, sort of try "to do" everything for him or smother him in comfort, then he might feel a bit emasculated or infantilized. Sort of letting go and letting his stress be his stress communicates to him to you know he has it all under control.

Household responsibilities are never 50/50. Sometimes you will feel like you're doing everything, and other times, you'll feel like he's doing so much more than you (like now). This is why I laugh when some folks on Purple Pill say things like, "We'll just split the responsibilities 50/50." In order to split something 50/50, you have to be keeping score, and that is a dead end!

i_have_a_semicolon · 2016-12-05T03:53:44+00:00

My SO and I do not take a strictly gender specific approach to the division of labor in our household. Instead we do the chores that we "enjoy" doing, and that we are most capable of doing. I do the cooking, meal planning, and put together the shopping list for each week. I typically also do the day to day tidying and cleaning, organizational tasks, schedule keeping, and making sure I put away all of my clothes once they are clean. My SO is typically in charge of the dishes, laundry, deeper cleaning, yard work, and managing any outside help (landscapers, contractors, snow removal, car maintenance, etc.).

Someone else manages our finances, but we make mutual decisions on the large majority of purchases (we might make purchases without consulting the other person if we are using personal funds, but even then we usually like the other person's opinion). We do the shopping, mail, and trash/recycling together. Additionally, we have the overarching approach that our goal is for everything to get done, so in the end it really doesn't matter who does it. That means one week I might do the dishes and my SO makes breakfast a couple days.

I've very thankful to have a SO who doesn't keep score, and doesn't care if one person does more one week if the other partner happens to be extra busy.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2016-12-05T00:11:53+00:00

This is a great discussion topic. Long Term relationships means cohabitation and learning to live with each other. So finding a system that "works" for both of you is a huge priority.

[Note: Keep in mind that this is what works for me, it may or may not work for anyone else.]

I'd love to have a discussion about how your household runs, and how you decide who takes on which tasks. Are there any skills that you deliberately learned in order to run a household more effectively?

Our household runs great since we are both satisfied. There are ways in which we are improving, but the good news is neither of us are unhappy or bogged down by our household duties. So yay!

For who takes on what tasks, it goes by our strengths and weaknesses, and we each contribute. Sometimes it's 50/50, sometimes he does a bit more. I know that sounds blasphemous but I am so lucky to have a man like him, and I appreciate that he goes above the call of duty. He inspires me to be better and encourages me to be, and would NOT tolerate if I was taking advantage or being overly lazy. This is something I am working on, but I feel like it will never be "equal" since he is just better at those tasks than me! But then again, I have my own strengths, so what we look for is a true "balance". Even if he's better at cleaning, there are still cleaning chores I have to do - namely, bathrooms and the bedroom. For cooking, I take care of the mealplanning and shopping list, and I lead when it comes to cooking (i stand by the stove / make sure the meal comes out good). He helps me do the preperation. Afterwards he will clean up and I will prepare the lunches for the next day.

As for skills I had to learn - all the cooking skills! I spent a LOT of time learning about nutrition, meal planning, healthy cooking, how to store foods, portions, etc. i researched cooking and how to make DELICIOUS foods and have high standards for taste (boyfriend loves my food!!) I created a whole system that allows me to do meal planning in a either in few minutes or up to 2 hours every week. Lately, he and I have sort of gotten out of the swing of it and didnt mind because it meant nightly walks to the grocery store and being spontaneous with our cooking. But now in winter our desire to go out daily is less, and we want to do more things during the weekdays (spend time more wisely). So we have both committed to goals to improve on that this month!

As for cleaning I KNOW IT IS NO EXCUSE... I need to improve myself. I have always been messy and disorganized and there actually has been some improvement since college where things weren't great .... There is so much stuff you can improve at a time. You might not know that I have a very serious disease but I do. I have to put my health first constantly, and then work comes third to fund my expensive healthcare necessities. But the thing that comes second after my health is my Boyfriend's happiness and satisfaction. I know that he needs me to take care of myself, too. That way I can do more in the house, more for him, and more for us.

I know that I've been struggling a bit lately with understanding how to carry my own weight when moving house and settling in, and am starting to understand how important it is to be proactive in discovering and building these skills. I feel like my SO has taken on the majority of the difficult jobs in this move because he's better at them or more suited to it, and it got me wondering why there's so many more things that he's better at. Some skills (lifting heavy things) just come more naturally to him, while others (finances) he's worked hard to cultivate.

Yes, I agree with you - thinking about all the things my boyfriend does that I just do not do is crazy - like garbage and carrying the heavy things and cleaning as well as he does. he is so much better at me at some things and I constantly use it as motivation to improve myself, too. I know that I could be a slob but I wont be a slob because that wouldn't be an attractive thing to do. He "raises" me that way. What do I do? Well I am not hear to humblebrag, so I don't want to do that. Instead I'll just say I'm trying to do whatever I can do, and I'm trying to improve whatever I can do all the time. Whether that be laundry, basic tidying up, doing dishes, etc, that way he sees I'm improving for him and that makes him happier, too, that I care about him and appreciate him enough to try to do things I didnt do before.

But mostly, if I'm at a loss, and feeling down, like I'm not doing my share I am blunt with him, "What can I be doing differently?" I bring this up every few weeks to see what he thinks needs to be improved now - and I follow suit. Sometimes he wants me to be more attentive to cleaning, othertimes to cooking, othertimes to my self. Right now, its just general time management and our sex lives (because thats a fun thing to improve ;) ) so we have set goals for that this month. :)

Oh another thing is that he adds up the costs at the end of the month and tells me how much to send him and he pays. I trust him with the finances - we split things equally. I make a little more, but I've also saved more, but I also have more debt. He is great with finances, but in the near-future we will look into things beyond saving and bills - investments. We will do that together :)

What do you do beyond the usual cooking and cleaning routine to be an active contributor to your household?

To the household - well - cooking and cleaning define the household really. I'm guessing you could do more in the relationship to ensure he is happy and satisfied, but the household is pretty straight forward.

I think another thing to consider is - how do you handle dissagreement and conflict with household stuff? This is where you can "contribute" by not having to have the final say on what happens. If he wants something to happen a certain way, make it happen that way. Whether that be the food you eat, the type of house you keep, where you put the furniture, etc, if he has a preference you should prioritize that. If you have a conflicting idea about what it should be, you should give him your opinion but ultimately make sure he is happy and comfortable with what is decided on. If that means he says "honey I thought you should take X on from now on" you would agree to it if you can do it. Hopefully a good guy wont take advantage of that !

Now again the "you" above could work for some and not for others. I have never had to "bite my tounge" - I tell him what I think. He listens to me. Its great. Infact, I should probably bite my tounge some more, as I tend to be a little emotional, but I always come to my senses and apologize. I'm working on that too.

All in all I try to go by the golden rule - Prioritize your SO over yourself.

BellaScarletta · 2016-12-05T04:31:03+00:00

We divide tasks based on the convenience of the day, at least for now. There are definitely some activities I usually do or he usually does, but for the most part we delegate as needed.

I worked 8-5 M-F, standard as it gets. He works a day job with shifts ranging from 10-7 to 3-midnight. He also has inconsistent days off, and then couple that in with running his personal training business...his schedule is hardly predictable.

He takes care of virtually all the "office hours" type tasks. Aka needing to be at a business or make a phone call within standard office hours. Since I'm booked 100% of those hours, his schedule lends itself to running those errands almost always.

Cleaning is my domain and cooking is his. He loves to cook and I love to clean so that works for us. Most cleaning tasks he does are delegated by me depending on need. So instead of me getting bitter that I have too much on my plate, I'll just plainly ask "Would you mind taking of the dishes when you're done cooking tonight?" That happens most often when he gets home late and is going to be cooking long after I go to sleep. Usually he accommodates and if he can't it's no big deal, I do it a different time.

Funnily enough I handle any contracts or customer service type issues. He's way too solution-seeking and is more likely to settle for a sub-par arrangement. I'm more like a bloodhound when it comes to that sort of thing. We just recently had a huge issue with transferring our internet services during the move, the result of three separate errors by the provider company. I ended up on an 86 minute phone call that turned rather combative. R had me take care of it and we ended up with a month of free service plus like a 600% upgrade to our data plan free of charge.

Anyway moral is, we play to our strengths and have a sort of blueprint...but the needs of the day versus our abilities really dictate who does what and as long as we communicate it's usually a smooth affair.

[deleted] · 2016-12-05T04:56:23+00:00

I think it's great that you're thinking about all of this in advance because I totally didn't! We split our household tasks in a pretty stereotypical way, which works for our personalities/strengths. What you do beyond the basics really depends on your lifestyle and your husband's tastes/needs.

These are my standbys:

I pack my husband's breakfast (including coffee) and lunch every day. He loves it, and it saves us a ton of money. All it requires is a little extra time and meal planning!
I learned to be a very savvy shopper. All the household purchasing is my domain, and at this point I've found fantastic sources for pretty much everything. I know what time of year to buy different types of things and I maintain a great pantry. I have food in my pantry, use a foodsaver to fill the freezer, bulk shop, and have a small pantry of household goods like lightbulbs, soap, etc. This saves us money and time. My husband loves that when he needs something, or something runs out, he doesn't have to trudge to the store because I keep everything stocked.

I took sewing lessons as a girl but have long since forgotten everything. I'm picking up cross stitch again. I'm hoping I'll get proficient enough to make pretty gifts for people. I'm also exploring candle making for my own use and for friends.

littleeggwyf · 2016-12-05T07:46:41+00:00

I guess similarly to you guys my husband handles heavy lifting, fixing things, car maintaining and jobs where you need lots of strength (also anything in the cold, usually), because he wants to and knows the skills to do them.

I've tried to learn some things he isn't any good at - decorating, furniture repairs and sewing are kind of traditional, but I also do some electrical repairs, like he had a PSP where a button stuck and I found a video of how to fix it, or rewiring plugs or simple things where little fingers make it easier. Basic dressmaking is my side project at the moment, I want to be able to do more with a machine really.

Really a lot of stuff becomes a double act, he will take the hoover upstairs for me because it's heavy, or he'll chop veg for a stew I'm making, and I'll hold things steady or hold a ladder when he needs that. Whoever gets less tired tends to put daughter to bed so it evens out.

EDIT:

One thing I have found is that when I help with things he thinks a bit harder about safety and wearing work clothes, probably because he makes me wear the right things like gloves and so remembers to get his out too - so by helping in a little way he also ends up with less nicks and irritated skin, which motivates me to help out more!

mabeol · 2016-12-05T15:39:42+00:00

My responsibilities are:

paying bills
scheduling for maintenance/deliveries
cleaning
cooking
keeping important records up to date (house/car/big ticket items)
researching new possible projects (either something that I come up with or Occam expresses an interest in)
What needs to be purchased (groceries) is my responsibility, but we always go together.
helping Occam if he's building or installing something

Occam does all the heavy lifting, will makes plans for something and then fill me in, or tell me that he wants me to look into something specific, he takes care of the trash, anything mechanical/electric/computer/tech related, the yard/gutters/roof are his domain. He also contributes more financially.

I will decorate with him in mind, and we have similar tastes. Overall our system works really well. When I'm particularly busy with work, he'll help me out in different ways which really makes things easier for me. Sometimes it's as simple as him telling me I'll only be working a half day during the weekend, or taking care of dinner.

I know what chores can be 'pushed back' a bit, and what things he immediately notices - so that provides some wiggle room when my plates full. He's always willing to pitch in and do more, but due to the hours he works, and the commute he makes every day - I really don't like asking him to do stuff. His down time is limited, and it's more important to me that we relax and spend time together.

When we do spring cleaning, we make a weekend of it. We'll play some show on the tv while we go through everything and figure out what we can throw away, giveaway, or store for long-term. It's always a lot of fun, which probably sounds weird, but it's true.

[deleted] · 2016-12-05T16:24:11+00:00

My husband works long hours, and I'm a SAHM, so I do most of the basic housework : the cooking, cleaning, meal planning, and grocery shopping, and of course the child care. We are now homeschooling our eldest so I do the bulk of that, although my husband has always done a lot of fun, informal teaching with him, which I think is why he is so easy to teach now : )

We send the laundry out to be done, and my husband handles dropping it off and picking it up. When there's a laundry emergency (kids puking on sheets, etc) I take care of it.

He takes care of lunch on the weekends, either by cooking or taking us out to lunch. When there's heavy lifting, he takes care of it. He changes light bulbs and fixes things that break. For plumbing problems, I arrange repairs (it's done through the building management so it's easy.)

I take care of doctor's appointments, haircuts, playdates, etc. I also handle bill paying, although most of that is automated. Our finances are very simple. We talk together about how much to save and about major purchases -- he gets the final say, although we don't tend to disagree on that.

Title	Sharing the load when it comes to making and running a home
Author	whitebunny87
Upvotes	11
Comments	15
Date	December 4, 2016 10:27 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/5gi5ph/sharing_the_load_when_it_comes_to_making_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/sharing-the-load-when-it-comes-to-making-and.209331 https://theredarchive.com/post/209331

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