Concern about SO drinking

Aerobus · 2016-03-31T16:35:40+00:00

He drinks 2 bottles of wine on a Friday night and 2 on a Saturday night.

I think this is alcoholism.

You're not going to be able to change this man. Please do not waste your years by trying to. Either accept this and love him, or move on.

Whisper · 2016-03-31T19:44:47+00:00

This does sound like an issue.

However, men react badly to being leveraged or strong-armed. If you tell them what to do, they won't do it. If you nag them into it, they will resent you and give, at most, a half-hearted effort.

Makes the problem sound intractable, doesn't it?

But there's a way out. And that is the magic principle of Bring your man your problem, not your solution.

You don't tell him

"I want you to stop drinking."

That's bringing him your solution. That's telling him what to do.

You tell him:

"I am afraid you will drink yourself into an early grave and leave me all alone. I am afraid you will wrap your car around a tree and leave me all alone. I am afraid you will turn into a full-blown alcoholic and I won't be able to really connect with you anymore. I'm afraid you will drink more often and it'll kill off our sex life... it's already stopped us a lot."

This way, you're not strong-arming him or telling him what to do. You're not being adversarial. You're asking for his help, and reminding him that he is important to you.

You follow this up by refusing to tell him what to do. Even if he asks "what do you want?", you answer something like "I don't know, I'm just scared".

To you, this may seem incredibly selfish. Asking for something and not even telling the other person what it is? Just "figure it out"? Sounds awful, right?

But men are wired differently. What he hears isn't

"Figure out this problem and solve it for me."

What he hears is:

"I admire and trust you. I believe you'll come up with the right solution, and I know you're competent enough to do so. I just needed to tell you how I felt, so you could have all the information you needed to make a decision and a plan."

He may very well come up with the same solution you would have. But this time it's his idea, and he feels loved and admired, instead of nagged.

[deleted] · 2016-03-31T13:30:44+00:00

Love him how he is or leave him now. You aren't married and don't share children.

vegancigarette · 2016-03-31T13:46:22+00:00

First, I'm sorry you've made the discovery that your partner is suffering from alcoholism. I use that word because it's a disease, heavily stigmatized, but one nonetheless.

Drinking 1-2 bottles of wine in one sitting is not healthy, and the fact that he does this multiple nights a week is scary! He is doing major damage to his liver.

Appearing sober/normal after drinking a bottle or two of wine is ridiculous. That shows tolerance and I worry he is drinking even more when you're not around.

Remember, though, that this is a man in his 40s. You cannot change him and if alcoholism is a dealbreaker for you then you need to leave with your kids (you say "my kids" so I assume they aren't his?). Also I know this is harsh but why is this mid 40s man with a woman in her twenties with multiple kids? I really think you need to work on "screening" men better because the first relationship failed and now you are with this man who drinks like 6 bottles of wine a week.

I honestly wish you the best. Remember you cannot change him and it doesn't look like he will change himself. It's almost April and he's yet to start on his New Years resolution...

fhigurethisout · 2016-03-31T15:12:48+00:00

Men tend to drink way more than women and hold it better. So i think it can be shocking.

My partner is similar (Russian lol). Can drink lots and not even seem drunk. He's never been cruel. It's his choice and his health. Is this affecting you in any negative way, besides you hamstering about the future?

I know it can be worrying but you dont have any right to mommy him out of drinking. He made his choice. You can make yours (if it's a dealbreaker or not).

RollingStonesFan86 · 2016-03-31T19:06:55+00:00

He has half the week wine free. He doesn't drink around my children, he doesn't drink drive, his personality is the same. He has some pre existing health issues for which he should limit drinking.

If he's drinking wine during the weekends, and he can manage having a normal life without alcohol, which you pretty much showed he does, this is not alcoholism. Maybe excessive drinking for you, but not alcoholism.

My father drinks two doses of whisky every night. That has never affected his behavior and he has a normal life. My mother finds it a bit excessive, but she never complained about it because it doesn't affect him, thought I have told him it is damaging for his health.

So yeah, I think it would be nice if you told him you care about HIS HEALTH, that's why you don't want to see him drinking. Don't nag, show you're actually worried about his well being. But please never say he's an alcoholic because he is not, and this may severely offend him.

ETA- I would like to remind you the criteria to diagnose alcohol abuse (I'm not even talking about alcohol dependence here, which is a much more severe thing)

(A) A maladaptive pattern of drinking, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by at least one of the following occurring within a 12-month period:

Recurrent use of alcohol resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home (e.g., repeated absences or poor work performance related to alcohol use; alcohol-related absences, suspensions, or expulsions from school; neglect of children or household)
Recurrent alcohol use in situations in which it is physically hazardous (e.g., driving an automobile or operating a machine when impaired by alcohol use)
Recurrent alcohol-related legal problems (e.g., arrests for alcohol-related disorderly conduct)
Continued alcohol use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol (e.g., arguments with spouse about consequences of intoxication). (B) Never met criteria for alcohol dependence.

Nothing that your SO did is considered a sign of alcohol abuse. So when you talk to him, show him you're concerned about his health, that's why you think he should drink less.

Littleknownfacts · 2016-03-31T12:16:16+00:00

He is a grown man, he knows the health risks associated with drinking and wants to do it anyway. Nothing you can tell him is gonna make him suddenly realize he's drinking too much, probably because he already knows and just doesn't care.

If he's not being violent or belligerent or embarrassing when he drinks, he's doing better than most alcoholics (not saying he is one, but that seems to be what your post is hinting at). Why risk ~~discourse~~ discord in your relationship for something that may or may not happen in the future? Hell, maybe he will get hit by a bus before liver disease gets him.

Obviously you can leave if you really think it's a deal breaker, but you've agreed to date him this long so it's not fair to him that all of a sudden by your standards you decide that he drinks too much.

Edit: Discord, yes I meant discord. Thanks bloopers.

disposablady · 2016-03-31T19:24:49+00:00

You say he never "seems" drunk, and that his behaviour doesn't change when he's drinking. If this is true, then that is a good sign.

Has he ever been in trouble with the law over the drinking (i.e., a DUI, cited for public intoxication, etc.)? Has he ever had to miss work because of his drinking?

If the answers to those questions is no, then that is also a good sign in that it is somewhat under control. In that case, I would suggest leading by example, and cutting back your own drinking. You say you drink 1-2 bottles per week, but really, that may be unhealthy in itself and certainly gives the impression that you're comfortable with drinking to an extent which may not reflect how you actually feel. Maybe even avoid that glass with dinner, or whenever you would normally drink, and if he asks explain that you want to be more healthy. This shows that you see the importance of limiting alcohol to benefit your health, and he may use this to bring up a discussion about his own drinking. You can express in that sense your concerns about how unhealthy it is--if he asks--without judging, trying to control, or nagging.

If you express your concerns in a non-controlling way, and he wants to continue as usual, it will be up to you whether or not this is something you want to put up with, or if you should walk away.

ColdEiric · 2016-03-31T20:16:47+00:00

Should I, and if so how do I, bring this up? He says he's not "proud" of his drinking but he does enjoy it. The last thing I want is to control or nag.

If you're attempting to 'save him' from his alcoholism, you need to ask him for the reason why he drinks. It's loneliness, fleeing from reality, feelings of inadequacy, something of how he, despite being a fully grown man, is afraid. He might just be an afraid boy whose favorite teddybear's name is wine. And you still need to love him. The cause of alcoholism is something emotional. Remember than you two are a boy and a girl, and if you want to help him, he has to be able to feel comfortable to show his fear in front of you, and that afraid boy needs to feel loved by the girl he holds his hand with on the way to your school. Are you going to let him know that you're going to make his name shine, despite what the other boys and girls at school say about him behind his back? Is he still your King of all the Lions, and are you still his Queen, are you going to pounce at those who might slander him and his great name?

Edit extra info: he volunteered at Xmas that he would cut down drinking after new year - he hasn't. I never asked him to and I have never brought this up with him.

Plans aren't emotional enough to change behavior. Emotions change behavior. This is just a mathematical plan.

blindedbythebrights · 2016-04-01T08:15:45+00:00

Psychologist here. If you need something to function (for example to unwind or to be able to go to sleep), you are dependent of it. If you would suffer or experience altered functioning if access to that substance would be cut off all of the sudden you are addicted. It's quite simple.

BeautifulSpaceCadet · 2016-03-31T14:10:15+00:00

Edit: also pardon my manners, OP. I typed in a real rush this morning because your thread totally resonated with me (and as you can see from my own situation, I don't have any advice for you unfortunately). I should have been at least a bit more polite and said "I hope you don't mind me hijacking the thread" or honestly anything would have been better than the rude that popped out. Please excuse!

I'm going to hijack your thread and post my own similar situation that I've been wondering about. It doesn't seem prudent to make it its own thread, particularly not while people's minds are on such a similar topic.

My SO drinks whiskey every night, and can't sleep without it. He's not an alcoholic, but he is a dependent. His body has learned to need it, but as far as his mind goes he would never behave like an addict (they mentally crave it until they are willing to sacrifice other aspects of their life to get it). Frankly I'm more addicted to sugar than he is to alcohol lol. He balances it very well, but I can't help but be a wee bit fearful.

Before we met, there was an 18 month period where he was a complete drunk. Again, I would call him a drunk and not an alcoholic. I may be hamstring myself here but I don't think so, and the reason I make the 'not alcoholic' claim is because when life needed him to cut it out he just did. He didn't have any need for AA or detoxing or anything, he just cut it out. This was during college and he ultimately dropped out because of it, but for other reasons as well.

He hasn't gone back as he has started his own business, and makes well over 6 figures so he doesn't see the point..which I agree. He says his backup plan if the business goes belly up is to finish his last year of school...which I really like that perspective.

Anyway, he does drink 2-4 larger glasses of whiskey every night to sleep. He doesn't drink before all his responsibilities are done for the day, and I've only seen him actually drunk a handful of times and it was all in appropriate settings (birthdays, family parties, etc).

My fear is with the volatility of his work (it's consulting work so it ebbs and flows significantly), that maybe one day he could snap? I don't think I have any reason to think this other than the fact he is a person working in a high-stress industry with a predisposition to drinking. It's really nothing he has done that creates this fear, it's most just the fear of the perfect storm.

We recently talked about it, and I told him I don't expect him to quit drinking, because I know it's his unwinding time, and also because for his industry that would be nigh impossible. I don't even want him to quit because I know he is passionate about whiskey in the same way others are about wine or coffee, he really enjoys it. I told him I also didn't want any rules about it that would make me controlling, or push him into hiding things from me. I didn't want to impose any kind of 'limits' or even go there and that was in no way my desire. All I said was "I want to have as much confidence in your drinking as I do in the rest of our relationship. You're my rock, and I don't want to tense up every time something goes wrong with work because I don't understand your personal range for alcohol or what's okay and what isn't. All I want is a clear idea on what I can expect long-term, and to know that it isn't something I need to worry about. We don't need to find a solution this second, but I just want that confidence before I can completely invest in you and us for a lifetime." He seemed really receptive to it and said he understood, and told me he didn't believe it was currently an issue but that he drinks for an 'effect' (the ability to actually sleep), and that as his tolerance decreases, he can reach that effect sooner, and that he didn't mind lowering his tolerance to 2-3 glasses instead of 2-4. He seemed really not worried by the future, and that made me feel much better as well.

So I'm guessing that this is case closed? It's a very well managed situation but the subject of it is just so serious that I want to be sure it's nothing to fear before we get engaged/married. Which I think our lose timeline has us (hopefully) engaged in 2017 or early '18. I suppose I'm not looking for solutions from you guys, just a few words to let me know your thoughts and if I have the right approach to this situation or not.

Title	Concern about SO drinking
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	3
Comments	37
Date	March 31, 2016 11:57 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/4cponi/concern_about_so_drinking/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/concern-about-so-drinking.166777 https://theredarchive.com/post/166777

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