TW: Sexual Assault Rape, herpes, drugs

Im 29 years old and I never really dated seriously for several reasons. I was raised by my fairly conservative catholic grandparents from the age of 3 years old and grew up pretty sheltered, while the topic of sex was discussed and my grandparents let me know they didn’t approve of promiscuity in part due to my aunt getting pregnant at 17. My grandparents never kicked out my aunt but rather she lived in the spare bedroom and her baby daddy of course didn’t stick around she eventually meet my uncle shortly after and they have 5 kids all adults now and have been married for a little over 30 years.

Because I really didn’t want my grandparents to meddle to much into my dating life as they can be a over protective and some what “helicopter parents” I didn’t date in Highschool. I also knew most Highschool relationships never lasted so I wanted to save myself the heartbreak. I had my first relationship at 18, with one of my dads karate students and it was pretty casual we went on one real date, mostly just hung out with him and his friends and he ended up being emotionally abusive and later molested me on a date, we were hiking in the woods eventually we broke up and I also found out he was cheating on my with his girlfriend now wife. He was actually cheating on both of us. We never had sex, we only kissed. But he did want to have sex and tried to pressure me during the relationship. It didn’t last long maybe a year.

My second relationship was a few years later in my early 20s and it was casual as well because at the time neither one of us drove. We hung out. Met his friends, family, little sisters. He introduced me to marijuana which I still smoke to this day. I don’t drink much, smoke cigs or do drugs. We broke up because at the time he kind of lacked ambition wasn’t working anywhere. I tried being friends but he didn’t want too. i had oral sex with him 1st time.

After that I had a few friends with benefits who I only had oral sex with and then when I was 26 I lost my virginity to a Highschool friend. I was dealing with a lot of drama, my grandparents died in 2016 & 2021, in addition to my moms dad in 2021 and my little sister of a heroin overdose in 2022. I was also kicked out of my grandmother house by my aunts and uncle, mainly because my one aunt wanted the house for myself as my grandmother was dying in hospice. My aunts and uncles were emotionally abusive growing up rarely helped us with our grandparents and felt we had to earn our keep. So I was dealing with all that from 2019-2021 then I got apartment was dealing with the aftermath of all the drama and became very depressed. My dad’s siblings and my cousins all abandoned me after that.

I wanted to feel better so I engaged in hook up culture after losing my virginity and had around 6 hookups and 4 FWBs most fizzled out but were my actual friends from Highschool.
I also experienced 2 rapes. And contracted herpes 1 oral (asymptomatic) I still consider myself lucky.

I am now 29, hoping to settle down hopefully have a long term relationship and possibly marry and kids. I know my body count is fairly high but I’m more concerned about dating with herpes and lack of experience.

I’m on bumble and tried a STD dating site but was some reason kicked off. So I’m not sure how to go about dating? I’m also in therapy. I do have abandonment and codependency issues anxiety and depression. My parents are divorced and was placed with my grandparents due to my dads drug use he now sober. My mom I don’t really have a relationship with. My stepmom I do but she struggles with addiction as well. I have sisters including a twin who only had 2 bfs, my older sisters are happily married but we grew up apart have different moms. I’m working on reconnecting with them.

I’m hoping I can find a good man despite my lower SMV.