My fiancé is the love of my life, and we are blessed with an unexpected pregnancy after being told I was infertile. We couldn’t be more thrilled! I am so indebted to this sub because I have the absolute best relationship with him, and it’s really helped me put into practice following his lead (which isn’t always easy for me due to a “be independent” kind of upbringing). Now, on to the field report.
Background: I didn’t have a 16 week appointment at my OBGYN due to a scheduling error on their part—they called me to tell me they had to cancel my 16 week appointment, then on the day it was originally supposed to happen they left me a message a 2 hours before the original time saying “actually, it’s back on” then labeled me a no-show when I didn’t go. They then discharged me from their practice. When I called about it, they berated me about it a bit and then said the doctor would be kind enough to “let me back in if I don’t miss any other appointments.” This upset me, as it wasn’t my fault, but I agreed anyway. Also important, I am in recovery from an eating disorder which I disclose every appointment, I grew up in a verbally abusive household, and I very much dislike conflict.
Situation: I went to my 20 week appointment with my fiancé, the intake nurse brought up the “no show” appointment and was very snippy to show she disapproved. My fiancé was unhappy, but I told him, “hey, maybe she’s just having a bad day.”
Then the doctor shows up and tells me I’ve gained 10 pounds (which really isn’t okay, as my eating disorder is documented in my file). This was very upsetting to me, and my fiancé said coolly, “which is good, right doctor?” And the doctor dismissed it saying, “yeah, it’s fine going in the second trimester.”
The doctor then proceeds to berate me over the “no show appointment” saying I missed the deadline for checking on my baby’s spine and that he doesn’t want to be held responsible for my inaction on my baby’s behalf if anything goes wrong or my baby is deformed. I feel my fiancé’s anger at this, and he steps in front of me protectively and tells the doctor with anger tenuously suppressed that I wasn’t a no show, that we have voicemails with dates and times to prove it, and that he is being extremely disrespectful to me.
The doctor refuses to listen and gets angry saying, “even if that we’re true, which it isn’t since I have it in my notes what happened, we had to call her to reschedule which she didn’t respond to (*note, I was sick for a week and wasn’t able to call during that time). We had to send a dismissal letter which is really bad.”
I try to calm my fiancé and smooth out the conflict by apologizing for not getting back to them quickly enough since I’m used to being treated like this by doctors, but then the doctor chose to continue to berate me for our “no show.” And that was the final straw for my fiancé. He told the doctor that no one gets to speak to me so disrespectfully and unprofessionally, and that we would find a new doctor.
So I had a choice to make in that moment, either tell my fiancé we should stay and that it wasn’t a big deal and try to smooth things over, or follow his lead, even though conflict makes me uncomfortable. I chose to follow his lead.
He comforted me in the car telling me he knows how stressful that must have been for me and that he will always be here to protect me. He then told me not to worry and that he would search for a new OBGYN who would be kind to me and that he would handle the scheduling so that I don’t feel any added stress—then he took me to my favorite Japanese restaurant and treated me like royalty when we got home.
Moral of the story, a HVM man who loves you will always make sure you’re taken care of.