How to stop being the chaser

Jenneapolis · 2024-07-04T16:57:09+00:00

Read “Getting to I Do.” It explains very well in the first few chapters how this dynamic plays out when the woman takes the lead. Even though you are just trying to acquire the man, you end up setting the tone for the entire relationship. You can’t display masculine energy to try to get him and then all of the sudden expect it to flip and him to be masculine because you’ve attracted a less than masculine man to begin with. He was attracted to you because you took the lead.

I think the best thing you can do is start reading the books and practicing the tools. There are plenty of ways to make it known you like someone without overly asking them out, texting them first, or otherwise showing your cards. See The Art of the Bad Excuse

Vulgar-Disrespect · 2024-07-04T04:53:01+00:00

Usually, the woman becomes the chaser because she is coming from a place of insecurity and desperation.

The one time that I was the chaser, the exact same thing happened to me. I had just gotten out of a LTR and I met this extremely attractive man. We really hit it off, and we had a great dynamic going. I was definitely on the upper hand to start. But when we finally went on our date and I realized just how much I wanted this guy, I started feeling insecure and like he was better than me because the guy i’d been with before was so shitty. Realistically, he wasn’t better than me. But because I had just gotten out of a LTR and felt unsure of myself, he felt that and took advantage of it. I was always the first one to text, to ask to hang out, etc. We casually hung out a few times after that, but something that had once been fun turned sour and it quickly fizzled out. This is the only time that has ever happened to me.

My advice to you would be to figure out what your insecurity is. Why don’t you think they’ll chase you?

LauraDoyleCoachKris · 2024-07-05T03:32:17+00:00

Congrats on becoming so aware and wanting to change this dynamic you describe…

I can relate since I had some of those patterns as well…

Finding the work of Laura Doyle who wrote, The Surrendered Single (and The Empowered Wife) changed my life…I highly recommend these books!

SunflowerSerenade11 · 2024-07-05T15:00:54+00:00

I had this problem as well. I have an anxious attachment style. This is problematic because men will rarely turn down free female attention, at the very least if they are single they will often try to transmute it into sex if the woman makes it convenient enough. Women on the other hand will try to transmute some free male attention into friend-zoning, and other into more.

I just think that men need to be ready for a long-term relationship, and if you make it too easy I think they will take it for granted. This does not mean deliberately play games, but have an interesting life so that it does not revolve around him. The way I dealt with this was to endure the pain of waiting. If I hung out with a guy for the first time I would never message them first afterwards, I would maybe send one message if it was really fun a few days afterwards and then wait. Sometimes men are just not interested. If you do not send them a message for a few days their pride might get hurt and they will reach out wondering why you are silent. Even in the starting stages I tried to maintain a 1-1 text and call ratio and return their energy to them. With those who were interested like my current bf once they felt "safe" the text and call frequency increased to much more frequent. But again the key with waiting is to actually fill your life with interesting things so that you are not clinging onto him and pushing him away.

If it's causing you too much anxiety it might just not be the right guy for you, he might not be interested, etc, and that is okay. It might not even have anything to do with you, he might be busy, not be over an ex, it could literally be anything.

But this part is not fun if you are used to chasing. I would have to turn my phone off to not continuously check if I have been texted for example. It felt agonizing at times until I broke through to a relationship. Men are evolved to be hunters and are all about conquering though, if you make it seem like you eat out of the palm of his hand from day 1 there is nothing to conquer. It's problematic but it seems to be how their mind works.

TripSudden2879 · 2024-07-07T01:14:39+00:00

What’s helped me is pretending, and trusting in the results. For example, instead of begging and pleading, (even when I REALLY want to!) I tell myself “begging will get you the opposite of what you want! Giving him the cold shoulder will make HIM beg YOU. He is putty in your hands” and then I proceed about my business in an unbothered way, knowing he’s about to blow up my phone any minute. Am I sometimes nervous that it won’t work? Yes. But if you stay the course and trust in it blindly, it always works out.

SweetSunnyPositive · 2024-07-04T05:40:35+00:00

You have to care less

Whoever cares less, has more power

AutoModerator · 2024-07-04T04:04:16+00:00

Title: How to stop being the chaser

Author TomatilloMindless381

Full text: 20f

Hello everyone. I recently posted here about some life and mindset changes that I have had recently. This past week I have been doing a lot of deep reflections into how I behave and think, in regards to relationships with men.

I am single, but for my whole life, I have always struggled with being the "chaser" in relationships or potential relationships. Either going after men who are emotionally unavailable, or coming on too eager with men who are initially interested but stop being interested. Countless times I have stepped into a more dominant role, and I want to stop falling into that pattern.

I have only truly realized this over the past few weeks, and it is honestly deeply embarrassing. I have realized just how much of a turn off it is for men. I want to get out of those patterns. I now understand what I was doing wrong, and what was playing a huge role in keeping me single.

I am posting here to ask for some advice on how to get out and stay out of those patterns. I would also love to hear if anyone has a similar story to me, and how you got out of those patterns.

I do not want to be the first/only one initiating, and I do not want to be the dominant one in the relationship. I understand that I need to make some changes to my own behaviors for this to be possible.

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Title	How to stop being the chaser
Author	TomatilloMindless381
Upvotes	13
Comments	15
Date	July 4, 2024 4:04 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1duxqqy/how_to_stop_being_the_chaser/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-stop-being-the-chaser.1523218 https://theredarchive.com/post/1523218

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