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[–]dreckmal1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I am confused about these two lines:
Nothing insane - no gang-bangs, my number isn't in double digits, no porn videos out there.
along with:
I don't want it to go to the extreme of my past or worse. I don't want threesomes, gang-bangs, porn videos, open relationships, etc. I have grown away from that and have negative interest in returning.
You were either a wild child or you weren't. Regardless, you are refusing to give your husband (the guy who choose to marry and stick with you) shit that you freely gave guys who were not giving you commitment.
Think about that for a minute. You gave away things to people who had no interest in caring for you. And now that you have someone who cares for you, you refuse to give him those same things. You didn't value your vagina before, so you over-value it now.
I just feel like I need to be pointed in a path.
You need to decide what you want. It really is that simple.
Do you want to put your own feelings or your husband first? The answer to that question may guide you down the path you actually want to take.
[–][deleted] 1 points1 points1 points 11 years ago | Copy Link
[permanently deleted]
[–]Camille113251 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Engaging in a variety of sexual activities with your husband is going to make you suicidal, depressed and miserable? Are you attracted to him?
[–]_wingnut_ 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Please break up with this man and don't inflict your damaged mess on anyone else again
[–]need_rp_advise1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You need to heal yourself. You need to heal yourself a lot. You need to give an overall better verison of yourself to him. I can understand that it probably sounds like words with no meaning to you right now. But soon, you will find meaning. Leaving him aside for a second, you probably have to undo what you have done to yourself all these years. And how you may ask? I think you need to be more in touch with your feminine side. You need to feel like a woman again, in order to behave like one. Just by being one on the outside, doesnt cut it. You need to feel from the inside.
you need to recounsel in your head, that whatever your experiences were, they were not reflective of your true personality. By that I do not mean, you were an unwilling participant in your past. They were of course your choices, loud and clear. By that, I mean you were ignorant, of what would really make you happy. You were stupid. Now however you know, whats your path to happiness. So atleast you are on the right track.
Try to feel and be more feminine in your everyday life. Try to meditate, and wear feminine clothes. try and be as receptive as possible. Be excited to see him. do you work a day job? Can you take a few weekdays off? Try and be creative around the house. Cook dinner, his favourite dishes, with no expectation. Hunt for his appreciation. Wait for him, with your best clothes/makeup on. Work on "attracting him" towards you. Dont be masculine. leave your masculinity at the door. You know one fun thing i do with my guy? I plan out whats gonna happen when he comes home in the evening. Its a little game i play with myself, kinda like a bet, that in exactly 30 minutes, he will be pouncing himself on me. Mostly I win this game of mine, and its kinda fun. Once you start doing this, you will begin to love this art of seduction, and grow your femininity more deeply. Sexual attraction/responsiveness will follow. Its okay OP, you will be fine in the end.
[–]TempestTcup1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (16 children) | Copy Link
Frankly, you gave it away to people who didn't matter, and now that you are in a committed relationship with a man you love, you are denying him those very same acts. He wants to have the same sort of "active and exploratory sex life" that you had with the other men.
anything more is going to seem like bad fake porno acting
Fake it until you make it.
[–][deleted] 2 points2 points2 points 11 years ago | Copy Link
[–]TempestTcup2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I don't want threesomes, gang-bangs, porn videos, open relationships, etc.
Is this what he is asking for?
[–]PhantomDream09 2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago* (12 children) | Copy Link
If my partner was a heavy on the party-lifestyle, became an alcoholic, and had to stop that party-based lifestyle for his own health and sanity, we'd applaud him.
Alcohol can become an unhealthy addiction (as can sex). Yes, staying sober is important for alcoholics, but you aren't a sex addict, and having a healthy sex life with the man you are in a relationship with is very different from doing various acts with people that didn't care about you.
On another note, I'm confused about a few things and I'm hoping you can clarify. In your original post you say:
I used to have an active and exploratory sex life, which happened because of massive insecurity and loneliness. Nothing insane - no gang-bangs, my number isn't in double digits, no porn videos out there.
But later on in the post you state:
What did you previously engage in that you don't want to do now? Has he asked for specific acts that you are now uncomfortable with?
Right now, it sounds like he simply wants a wife that's excited to sleep with him. He wants to know that you desire him, without all the emotional baggage of "well I'm really messed up from what I used to do, and as a result I'm being more cautious and guarded with you - even though I know you love me, don't want to hurt me, and we're in a committed relationship together." It's not about the sounds you make or the things you do, if you aren't excited to have sex with your SO - he can tell.
The main issue I see here is that you seem to be punishing/holding your current SO responsible for things he never did (ie: use and discard you for sex, cause you trauma etc). I'm not saying that your emotional turmoil is invalid, or suggesting that you should just snap your fingers and get over your sexual hang-ups - I am saying that it's not fair to your SO that you have all these walls, insecurities, and (what seem to be) really ambiguous hang-ups over sex. Your current relationship is suffering because:
this entire issue revolves around my various problems and I'm the reason things are poor in this area. I've changed A LOT over the years. I wouldn't even recognize myself any more. I want to take responsibility. I honestly want to improve and I want us both to be happy and satisfied. I love him and I am attracted to him, and it makes me feel like shit that I have to convince him of that. I've been a really shitty person.
This is why I'm a really big advocate when it comes to telling people that they should not date unless they are (1) happy being single, and (2) don't have any hang-ups over their past. I don't think it's fair for new SO's to have to deal with/answer for the damage and problems other people have caused. It's just a personal philosophy that I've developed. When you enter into a relationship, if you aren't fully able and willing to commit yourself physically and emotionally - then you shouldn't be dating. Obviously that advice isn't very helpful to you now, since he is your husband.
I think you need to be a bit more specific about what your husband is asking for that you don't want to pursue. Is he asking for threesomes? From what you've shared so far, it sounds like he just wants a wife that's excited to have sex with him and enjoys being with him physically.
I'm not against having an exciting sex life. I want it, but I want it to also be better and healthier.
Can you explain what "better and healthier" means to you specifically? Do you know what "better and healthier" means to your husband?
While I think it's good that you understand your role in this problem - I don't think it's particularly helpful or productive to beat yourself up about it. Part of growing as a person and being accountable means saying "I know this is what I have done, I see the repercussions that have unfolded as a result of my actions, now I need to focus on solutions and moving forward." Part of moving forward means that you learn how to let go of your past. If who you used to be isn't who you are now - then you need to learn to stop viewing sex as a potential danger/threat/punishment. Again, specifics will help, but there should be a wide chasm of difference between (A) giving a random stranger a blowjob, and (B) giving your husband one. I think it may help you to re-orient how you view certain interactions. The act itself isn't necessarily good or bad - it's the circumstances under which the act takes place (ie with a stranger vs with the man you married). If you can work on shifting your perspective and removing the negative baggage you seem to have attached to sex in general, and start building a new narrative with your husband, that will probably go a long way.
Do you trust your husband? From what you've written, it sounds as though you have a lot of resistance/reluctance and left-over distrust when it comes to intimacy and it's entirely possible that he's picking up on that.
Hopefully you can provide some more details and clarify a few points.
[–]PhantomDream09 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Something I noticed in your initial post, and with every response you have given thus far is that you are very defensive, to such an extent that it seems you want to be aggressive and confrontational.
I believe my comment to you was worded fairly, with both understanding, and honesty. You came asking for advice, but right off the bat you set a negative tone (you will all probably attack me). I understand this is a sensitive issue for you, but if you project this same kind of aggressiveness to your husband when you try to broach the topic, then it's no wonder he gets frustrated, shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it.
Have you been in an exclusive/committed relationship with your husband from the start? Or was there a point in your relationship with him, when you did engage in certain sexual acts and now you have now (more recently) sworn off them? How long have you been together (dating and marriage combined)?
It seems as though there's more going on here, and dancing around specifics isn't perhaps the best way to provide a clear understanding of the situation.
It has nothing to do with my partner
In your mind this may be true - but to your husband it isn't. "She did x with a random guy that was a jerk to her, I love her and she won't do x with me..."
Did you tell him from the start of your relationship that you feel very strongly about being in an exclusive/committed relationship (ie no extra people involved when it comes to the bedroom)?
[–]PhantomDream09 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
But yes, this entire thread is making me feel defensive and aggressive because I got the exact 'red pill' group response I was afraid I was going to get - 'your feelings don't matter, do what the man wants'.
You came here thinking you would be attacked, no one is attacking you - they are telling you their take on the situation, which is hard for you to hear because your feelings aren't being held as the highest priority (which is generally the case on advice threads). Your feelings are only part of the equation, a very complicated equation with two sides. The other part of this is how your husband feels and the dynamic you have created with him.
I'm a shitty person
This is part of the "you need to stop punishing yourself" idea I was talking about in my initial comment. Saying "I suck" doesn't resolve anything.
I understand that. I honestly do. That's my problem - how do we close this barrier? The only advice I'm getting here is "do x" regardless of my thoughts or feelings regarding x.
What I don't understand is this:
(1) You told him you don't want to do certain acts
(2) He had the option to leave, he decided to stay and he agreed to those terms
(3) Now he's saying the only way he can be happy is to do those acts?
When did he start pushing and asking for these things?
[–]PhantomDream09 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I'm also hoping you will answer my question:
[–]TempestTcup1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I pulled the post - I'm calling troll on this one :)
[–]PhantomDream09 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Haha I was about to remove it as well. :0)
[–]TempestTcup1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Hahahaha! Great minds, LOL!
[–]frozen_strawberryEndorsed Woman0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
in addition to your comment: what a lot of women dont understand is that being a whore in bed isnt bad. it's only bad when you're a whore for lots of men. you should be open sexually with your husband. i understand that there are things some people dont want to do, and that's fine (like threesomes for example, for me that's essentially cheating with the partner in the room) but most things you can at least try.
You were NEVER specific about what he wanted; all you said was that he wanted you to 'be more into it'.
[–]PhantomDream09 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
But that's exactly what I'm being pressured to do with my husband (by him and everyone on this thread).
No one is saying "you have to do this" - we are offering our (RP) perspectives on this scenario, and telling you how we view this situation, and how we think your husband sees it.
You also need to drop this "I'm a damaged victim" mentality. Your husband is not your enemy, and you were not forced to do everything you used to do.
[–]TempestTcup0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Twisting the situation into that kind of response is cruel, short-sighted, and dismissive.
No, it is telling you the blunt, cold, hard facts. It's EXACTLY what your husband has been complaining about. You gave it to people who didn't matter, and now that you have someone who matters, you clam up and go starfish.
Ask him exactly what he wants (while in a conversation well away from the bedroom) and see what things you can manage to do for him. Otherwise, if you are unable to 'be more into it' there is probably a lack of attraction to your husband.
[–]aZombieKitten 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Honestly, ask yourself this: Are these acts that bad with a man you love? Would it hurt you that badly to be a little wild for your SO? What things did you do that made you feel so devalued that you're not willing to do them with the man you married?
He feels hurt that he's not getting that wildness from you that you gave so freely to randoms. He feels like he's getting the short end of the stick, and he is, frankly. Nobody wants to know their SO was once "fun" and then they get the boring version, much like when one finds out their SO used to be in shape but then they're a fat slob now. It's disappointing.
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[–]dreckmal1 point2 points3 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 points1 points1 points | Copy Link
[–]Camille113251 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]_wingnut_ 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]need_rp_advise1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]TempestTcup1 point2 points3 points (16 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points2 points2 points | Copy Link
[–]TempestTcup2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]PhantomDream09 2 points3 points4 points (12 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 points1 points1 points | Copy Link
[–]PhantomDream09 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 points1 points1 points | Copy Link
[–]PhantomDream09 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]PhantomDream09 0 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]TempestTcup1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]PhantomDream09 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]TempestTcup1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]frozen_strawberryEndorsed Woman0 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 points1 points1 points | Copy Link
[–]TempestTcup1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]PhantomDream09 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]TempestTcup0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]aZombieKitten 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link