Mommy issues

Totyasha · 2019-07-04T14:20:35+00:00

I had mummy issues growing up. Could not get along with her. No abuse. She was a loving mother, self sacrificing, nurturing, but her emotional states ruled our house. I could not relate to her. Always felt I wasn't good enough for her. Knew I caused conflict between her and my Dad.

My Mum would stonewall for days. She can hold a grudge forever. She was rigid and strict. She was full of fear. If she was annoyed with one of us, we'd all feel it. Growing up, I wanted to be the exact opposite of her.

Its probably the reason I grew up a tomboy preferring the company of boys. None of the emotional drama or undercurrent. It makes it harder to mother to my children. I only know what I don't want to be. I know I've certainly adopted a more permissive parenting style in a rejection of the way I was brought up. Its been a battle to avoid repeating the programming that went in subconsciously.

As I've grown up and moved out things are better with my Mum. We are friends now. We talk often. But we are better at a distance from each other. 300 miles away! If I'm upset though, she puts me straight onto my Dad as she fears she'll say the wrong thing. (She probably would) I still have to watch what I say to her. Every now and then I forget myself and say something triggering to her and get an ear full. (EG - Two years ago age 39 I was on the phone to her when my neighbour appeared at my front door to give me back £5 I'd lent her daughter that morning for her bus fare. My Mum overheard the conversation, went ballistic at me for lending my neighbour £5 and told me she thought she'd raised me better than that. WTF really!! Soon as anything like that happens I'm 11 years old in my bedroom listening to rage against the machine again. )

artemis286 · 2019-07-04T15:58:28+00:00

So my mother struggled with postpartum depression for years that got worse after each child. She honestly didn't like being a mom. I was this incredibly sensitive, expressive, nurturing child, and she was fairly aggressive, cold, and harsh for most of my childhood.

I went towards the other end of the spectrum. I had no self esteem, confidence, and couldn't be assertive, even in healthy ways. I became a chronic people pleaser and a doormat, and was bullied, and sucked into abusive relationship cycles, desperately seeking security and validation. A book that helped me is "The Emotionally Absent Mother". My dad was a a fairly healthy figure, but he traveled a ton for work, and was gone a lot , particularly when I was young. So I didn't get as much of a good influence from him.

Upon getting married and moving out with my husband, I was able to take some serious time to break down my perfectionist streak. I still don't take critism well at all. I still sometimes get sucked into trying to be "perfect", doing too much, and burning myself out. Like some part of me still desperately wants to please her. I defintely tried very hard to be the "perfect" child and win her affection for a long time. And of course, eventually I realized that I couldn't, and that turned to rebellion and putting up a wall so I wouldn't need her affection. I became extremely independent from her, I didn't go to her for help, didn't talk to her about anything personal, or really have any kind of emotional relationship with her for years. I also had an overactive shame response, and still struggle with that from time to time. When I feel I've done something "wrong" it tears me up, it's not constructive, and I obssess over it and struggle to move on in a healthy way.

But overall I've been able to let go of most of it, and make choices based on what I actually want in my life. It's been an extremely liberating experience, and my confidence in myself has really bloomed as I've allowed myself to make more authentic choices. I was able to form a very healthy relationship wirh my husband and my peers. But I do struggle to relate to women that I view as mother figures, like my in-laws. We generally have a good relationship, but I can be overly worried about rejection and doing the wrong thing sometimes.

We actually have a pretty healthy relationship now. I'm pregnant with our first, which is also the first grandbaby on both sides. She's very involved, happy, and supportive, and has worked through a lot of her issues in life. She didn't have a loving mother figure and faced a lot of rejection from her parents in childhood, so I came to understand her and her background a lot more. There has been a lot of healing. I've read about the growth mindset, which has helped me to move on from my fixed mindset and see mistakes as opportunities, not as measures of my worth. Forgiving her and nurturing our relationship has been very healing as well, though I know for some that's not the right choice.

There are some wonderful books on issues with mothers! But I've been able to turn this sensitivity into strength, and have studied birth, lactation, and child development for years, and love working with children. I always had a strong maternal streak, despite my own mother, but I also spent years nurturing it too. I've come full circle and am having my own babe any day now and have a full heart ready to love her!

clitclamchowder · 2019-07-04T16:42:58+00:00

No abuse here but I'd consider myself to have mommy issues.

My mother is insanely controlling even into my adulthood. My father was deployed most of my life so never really there to stick up for me and if he did, she would legitimately threaten divorce over every minute thing. I don't think she truly loves him but just loves how he has been able to provide well. My mom has never had to have a job since she got pregnant with her first child, she never cleans, although she did cook but health was never a factor. She has favorited my older brother over me forever and constantly compared us. I was always treated like I was delusional until I finally got some validation when my paternal grandmother mentioned how its terrible how my played such obvious favorites. If I wasn't exactly what my mom wanted me to be, she resented me. She grew up depressed and shy in highschool whereas I was outgoing, happy, and assertive and I think she saw it as a threat in some weird way. I had some legitimate mental health issues for a bit and my mom legitimately planned on disowning me and pushing me out into a group home but my dad put his foot down. I am now a productive and healthy mother myself but I would have most definitely turned into something much worse if my mom got what she wanted over a simple chemical imbalance I suffered through. Ultimately, I think she's just always been selfish and unloving towards me and it harbored years of resentment. She is obsessed with her only grandchild, my 1.5yo son. History aside, my husband and I bought a house within an hour of her. She para ostracized me for 3 weeks when I told her I was pregnant with baby#2 because she was mad, she never apologized. She never wanted a girl and I am (joyfully) having a girl. Husband and I plan to move before she can make a lasting affect on the kids.

My post is sortof all over the place but as for how its affected me, my resentment has made me determined to not be like her. I make sure I do something productive each day and I love my children for who they strive to be, not what I want from them. Negatively, it has somewhat affected sex life with my husband. We still satisfy eachother but I know we aren't having the sex we could be having, and I am working to fix this. My mom was super religious and shamed any sexual behavior or desire. I think I've had to repress so much that I feel uncomfortable getting sexual or seductive and my husbands fetish is essentially for me to dance, ect. I know its my issue and I've made strides but I can't help but resent that my sexual confidence peaked in my teens years before I even became sexually active, because my mom made me feel so ashamed that I've made it a habit to bury any sexual desire. Also my mom shat on the idea of me being able to naturally birth. 36 hours of hard labor and 4 hours of pushing, that bitch ate her words so that felt good at least ha!

Kara__El · 2019-07-04T17:25:06+00:00

My husband has never met my mother. She was physically and mentally abusive and has never taken responsibility for it, so I cut contact five years ago. My husband and I don't need that drama in our lives and my children won't have it in their lives either.

How does this effect my personal relationships? I'm constantly working to improve myself, unsure of what a good woman is supposed to be, looking for mothering figures wherever I might find them. I second guess everything I do, in an effort not to become my mother. I want to have healthy friendships, but I don't want to come off as clingy, like my mother, nor do I want to put any relationship above my marriage. Because I didn't have that role model growing up, I'm not really sure where the healthy balance lies. My mother was frumpy and fat and an embarrassment to my father. I try to look feminine and polished whenever possible, to the point that I hate wearing pants and obsess about my weight and everything I say. I guess it could manifest in worse ways.

FluffyLlamaPants · 2019-07-04T21:37:06+00:00

I grew up without a father (he left us when I was five). My Mother became a single young mom, trying her best to provide and yet live her own life at the same time. That, sadly left me on the sidelines: I was just a baggage she carried with her through life. An inconvenience. A mistake she was too late to correct.

That's how I viewed myself. Years of abuse by her and those people that she brought into our lives did leave a mark. It took me decades before I started to be comfortable with who I was. And yet, despite it all, I always had a positive view of men in general. While in my life those examples were missing, I read a lot throughout my life. Stories of good, kind, brave, honest, strong men and women - that became my reality in a way. I used the books and stories I've heard as my blueprint for how I view men and women.

My mother and I have a close, almost loving relationship now, but it took years. I forgave a lot. She forgot a lot. Over the years, I also began to understand her as a person. Understand her sacrifices and even her vices. Not make excuses but just understand her as a person. I don't have mommy issues - it's a relationship like any other. Some relationships are possible and some are not. I'm thankful that we can have one now, despite the past.

Strangely, don't have daddy issues either. Absense of a father did put me in harm's way, but it did not skew how I view men in my life one bit. For every story of one bad man, I read dozens of stories about amazing men. For every bad mother, there are hundreds of extraordinary ones, and that's my reality. Just because I had the misfortune of starting out life with some unfortunate conditions, the evidence around me proved that there's a better way, better kind of people.

glassSkullCandy · 2019-07-04T17:45:06+00:00

Do some research on parentified children. Also, let that freak flag fly... Who wants to be normal? They are not issues, but human variations. You may just be the evolution of a new type of being. You have a very unique outlook on life having been brought up by your dad. You have insight into the male psyche most women only dream of and are very much prepared to succeed. I get the aversion to women... In my case it's has nothing to do with gender, but an outlook. I prefer to discuss how I am going to fix my washing machine over a pair of shoes. I find that other women have been jealous of my ability to communicate with men to the point that they would criticise me publicly to make themselves out to look better. This proved counter productive in most cases, as I think men seek kindness when wanting relationships or friendships, you can always fuck a bitch and you wouldn't want a bitch rising you children... your seed will perish! Most men will find you refreshing and dynamic. I'm sorry your mum was a cow, she had her reasons and her own hardships to deal with. Who knows what trauma she was trying to deal with, so this is not your fault and don't ever internalise this. Not all women will be unattractive. I have met some amazing women a few times, one common thread is that all these women are powerful, successful and self sufficient. You don't need a mommy, you are your own mommy. The planet may be heating up and about to drown, regardless, you are very much prepared and the best years of your life are ahead of you.

AITAanon1 · 2019-07-04T18:58:34+00:00

I have most of your traits except: I have trouble respecting men, and ironically, I'm attracted to strong, masculine men only. All the rest fits, buuuuut I have daddy issues.

Title	Mommy issues
Author	doublericecake
Upvotes	26
Comments	13
Date	July 4, 2019 1:50 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/c92thb/mommy_issues/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/mommy-issues.244336 https://theredarchive.com/post/244336

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