Hello all! I’m still on my journey of recovery from postpartum depression/anxiety and PTSD from birth trauma. It’s been about five and a half months at this point.

I’m trying to give myself grace, but I feel so, so deeply alone. My PTSD is surrounding isolation and abandonment during birth, and I’ve really been struggling with panic any time I am alone.

This presents some serious issues for me when my boyfriend has to leave for occasional short deployments. I’m realizing I’ve been way too needy and using him as a crutch to feel safe and to fulfill basically ALL of my social interaction needs.

I had a full blown panic attack when we weren’t able to have a meaningful phone conversation the night before he left (he was out to dinner with his team). I feel so ashamed, and I’m afraid I lowered my value in his eyes by reacting so poorly.

My instinct is to withdraw completely out of shame and embarrassment, and I know that’s not healthy either. I’m not entirely sure how to recover from that situation gracefully.

I know I need to focus on myself more, making new mom friends and engaging in my own hobbies. I guess I’m posting this here to get it out of my own head and for some accountability. This level of neediness is not who I am, and not the type of woman I want to be.