Finding the line between serving and mothering

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2024-08-07T12:30:23+00:00

I agree that he shouldn’t be asking you to monitor him like that. He needs to be his own source of self discipline. If he makes you responsible for what he puts in his mouth like of course it will lead to resentment on both sides.

However I think you can still help with his goals in other ways. Perhaps you can plan out a weekly menu together (or you make them and he approves them) that includes both healthy and rare cheaty meals. When he asks if he can have soda or other unhealthy foods you can say “I support your health goals and you asked me to help you cut down on unhealthy food, but this is your decision to make.”

Maybe you can discuss with him specific things you can and can’t do, like you can encourage him and provide healthy food and not keep soda in the house, etc., but can’t monitor his intake and tell him yes or no about eating certain things as that is on his paper.

And i think it’s ok to say that you tried to help in these ways but you don’t like how it makes you feel and you don’t want to do them anymore.

TheFeminineFrame · 2024-08-07T13:02:50+00:00

This is always a tricky situation because many of us women are in charge of the meals and we want with all of our hearts to support our men.

Right now he is not taking full accountability for his health and with you being in charge of meals it makes it very convienient for him tell himself that his failures are your fault. There was some great advice about planning the menu together. This way it gives his a little more resposibility over his own outcome and leaves less room for complaints.

I think you may have to employ some Laura Doyle (Empowered Wife book), "I can't". -- "I can't buy that for you" "I can't make that for you" "I would love to make you meals that fit your diet but I can't be in charge of your health"

Make the meals that you plan together (or if he won't work with you on that just plan them yourself). He might huff and puff over it. Broken record, "I'm sorry honey, I can't make that."

Remember that you are not his mother so if he does go out and buy junk food or is cheating on his diet you don't have to say a thing. That is 100 percent on him. Just continue on your merry way as if nothing has happened and praise his efforts when he is committing.

littleladyluv · 2024-08-07T16:32:05+00:00

The line is: He went from directing you to be in charge of meals. Which is masculine leading. to now telling you to be in charge of him. Which is him absolving masculine responsibility to himself and offloading it to you.

It is not a woman’s job to be in charge of a man’s autonomy. It is a man’s role to direct his woman on how he wants his relationship and home run by her though. It is her role to fulfill that without needing to be reminded all the time.

Hope that makes sense ☺️.

ArkNemesis00 · 2024-08-07T14:46:37+00:00

Are there healthy meals he truly and genuinely loves? My husband doesn't love when I make Asian lettuce wraps, for example, but when I make chicken tomatillo bowls he's so excited. One day I served a Chipotle inspired meal with everything family style (grilled chicken, black beans, shredded cheese, salsa, mashed avocado, etc) and we thought it almost seemed decadent. Poke bowls with with broiled salmon, vegetables, soft boiled eggs, and a soy sauce Sriracha mayo sauce also feels luxurious.

I think him asking you for permission is too much of a strain of your relationship. Maybe you could use the phrase "bad guy" instead of mother to avoid the spat you've just had. I would suggest trying one of the following:

you only buy 1 or 2 of the 1 liter bottles
unrestricted diet soda
you keep the bulk pack of sodas in a place he won't look and transfer one to the fridge every now and then. If it's in there, he can have it
don't buy it and let him drive to get it if he wants it

As for the chicken, I would make some as a surprise. It's not too bad if you make it at home with some healthy sides, especially if the two of you went for a walk afterwards. You could pick up an air fryer if you really wanted. I sometimes like to do a Panko crust and shallow cook in olive oil or shortening. I serve the chicken katsu with Japanese curry. When I do a more traditional fried chicken I will full on buy chicken thighs and soak in buttermilk, it's a lot more work.

TrinityNeo333 · 2024-08-07T13:45:48+00:00

Have him plan his exact diet, on a food tracker. Then you just make him what he asked for. Then he won't ask you what he's going to eat & then complain it's not McDonald's, because it was his exact plan. That way you can still help and serve him, without the responsibility of coming up with meal ideas or feeling like his mom.

streamconscious-ness · 2024-08-07T14:15:48+00:00

This is some practical how to do food advice, not what you asked.

What about finding healthier recipes for foods he likes? I've seen recipes for healthier "fried" chicken made in the oven. And a rotisserie chicken (Sam's Club and Costco have especially good ones) can be really satisfying, especially when eaten shortly after purchasing while it's warm. Leftovers are easily made into soups and added to salad, etc.

And I've been learning how to lower my A1C and lose weight, and learned about starting the meal with vegetables (either raw, with dip if necessary, or cooked, or salad--the point is however you need to "doctor" them is fine as long as it's the first course) or 1-2T apple cider vinegar in 8-12 oz water, then the protein, and finish with the starch if it's part of the meal. Glucose Goddess on yt and ig is where I learned that information (and she has a book). Maybe you can implement some changes like this and if/when he sees weight come off he'll be motivated to implement other changes.

You might start learning about pre-diabetes and Type 2 Diabetes and implement what is suggested. It's 20 pounds now but easily creeps on and other health challenges arise. My bad habits for 30 years got me to the prediabetes point where I got my wake-up call. I'm suggesting not letting it get to that point that I'm guessing >50% Americans are without knowing.

Noressa · 2024-08-07T15:54:08+00:00

I'd suggest getting a meal planning system set up so that you can track calories and make healthy meals at once. I've used a few but the one my family has used for several years now is https://my.mealime.com/ It lets you pick things based on your requirements, you can take things out based on what you do and don't like, allergies, restrictions, etc. For the paid version you get a calorie breakdown. It gives you grocery shopping lists, lets you order online if you have grocery stores that do that in your area, and gives you step by step instructions.

In our family, while I cook the meals, who selects the meals changes. I'll pick 5 meals, my husband picks the next 5, our au pair picks 5, then our kids and everyone pick one (totaling 5). This way I control the narrative (low carb, vegetarian, anything goes, etc) but everyone gets things they like.

I would say you can also try to plan a date night, maybe once a month, where you go out to somewhere and get something delightful that is absolutely not something you would be cooking. Don't make a big deal of it, but use it as time to talk and be with each other, around food. At this point my husband and I don't go to too many restaurants anymore because I'm comfortable and good cooking a lot of dishes, so finding a place who makes something I'm not willing or able to do is more difficult! But still a great date idea :)

Independent-Story883 · 2024-08-07T12:38:11+00:00

side note: doesn't this make you wonder how all those trainer-olympian/athlete marriages work?! Goodness. I don't see how they can deal ?*

Anyhow. It is always difficult in a marriage, when a partner asks that you take on a new role in the relationship. But my vote is always, yes it is unfair. Yes it is inconvenient. Yes it can blindside you- but marriage is (should be) entered into a lifetime contract. You should try.

In this case he is trying something that will in the end benefit you both. His Health equates to more time as a father, less medical expenses, more productivity at work the list goes on. Any way you slice this - your inconvenience is outweighed by the benefits you will gain if successful. Now to stay sane in the process. Hmmm

You are smart to recognize and discuss your mental triggers. Now do some mental gymnastics and see yourself as his loving wife who wants him to walk a daughter down the aisle, look his best at the 50th anniversary, get the work promotion etc.

Say “babe that fried chicken you want is not going to meet OUR goals. Today is not the designated ‘cheat on diet day’. Its a Tuesday So if you want that, go to bojangles. Eat it there by yourself and pay me in cash double what you gave bojangles. If you are going to be unhealthy with me. Its gonna cost you! Hang in there. “ then Give him a kiss and hug of support.

AutoModerator · 2024-08-07T12:03:15+00:00

Title: Finding the line between serving and mothering

Author dropdeadgorgon

Full text: My husband and I almost never argue. Yesterday we had a surprising conflict over cooking (I’m sure it’s more than the cooking). I could use advice on how to balance serving his needs without mothering him.

The situation:

He wants to lose 20 lbs and has asked me to help by cooking healthy meals. He also asked me to be “in charge” of whether he can have a soda. I’ve been counting his calories for him as well, and working on reducing our grocery budget in preparation for some budget tightening in our near future.

Every night when I set dinner at the table, he gives a sigh of resignation and makes a mild complaint about healthy food. I know it’s not directed at me, but where before I used to feel proud and happy to serve my family dinner, I now feel guilty and apprehensive when setting his plate in front of him.

Yesterday he asked what was for dinner, and I said I was going to use leftovers to make something healthy. He said in frustration “I just want some fried chicken,” and I replied that we could have it after he hit his next weight loss milestone (again, he asked me to stay firm on healthy stuff). He asked a few more times, and I started to feel like a mom whose child was begging for McDonalds.

He’s asked me in the past to be more direct and speak up sooner when something bothers me (I prefer to reflect for a while to sort my feelings). So I tried it, and it did not go well.

I said “I’m not sure I like being in charge of your health. When you ask my permission for unhealthy food and I have to say no, it makes me feel like your mom and I don’t like that.”

He was clearly upset by that, and spent the next hour or so not speaking to me. It’s really tough for me to deal with the silent treatment due to some childhood stuff, so it ended up turning into a whole thing. I’ll provide details on that if people want. In the end, he expressed that he felt disrespected when I said that to him. I expressed that I feel disrespected when he complains about the dinners I’m serving.

We talked more about it, and it ended well. At no point did the argument escalate, but we were both clearly upset. I think he’s satisfied with how it ended and is back to normal, but I still feel so ungrounded and not sure how to navigate the situation. I want to feel at peace in my role again, but right now I feel shaken and unsure. How do I get back to feeling gratitude in serving him again, instead of resentment for being asked to play the mother role in regards to his health?

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sensitive_pirate85 · 2024-08-21T07:39:06+00:00

Tell him, “I’m honored that you want me to be a part of your weight-loss journey! And I’m proud of you for wanting to take control of your health, and reach your weight-loss goals. However, resisting the temptation of eating unhealthy foods has to be your responsibility — I’m willing to go over a healthy meal plan with you, look up and prepare healthy recipes that we might both enjoy — but, ultimately, it’s your responsibility what you put in your mouth, not mine.”

I would also add: “I’m really proud of you making progress so far! And I’m glad I could help you with that! I want to continue supporting you in making and reaching healthy goals, but… Since eating healthy, everyday, is a little hard on both of us… Let’s plan a “cheat day,” where we can have whatever we want! We’ll order in, and it will be like a little vacation for both of us.”

Adults, whether they’re men or women, have to be held responsible for their own adult decisions. Being supportive does not mean taking over the job, or responsibility, of “adulting” from your significant other.

dropdeadgorgon · 2024-08-07T17:12:25+00:00

Thank you for the advice! I like the idea of meal planning together. I agree that I don’t feel comfortable being “in charge” of his choices, it definitely feels off to me. I’m going to think of a more respectful way to communicate my stance on the situation - I want to be able to respect his own decision-making, the way I admire it in every other aspects of our lives.

MisterBowTies · 2024-08-07T12:39:53+00:00

(Male here) insted of giving him permission for sweets and sodas, could the two of you agree on set amount he should have per week, based on weight loss goals, calories and such, and he can have tokens to cash in as he feels? That way, he's the one making the decision but within set paramiters for success.

Title	Finding the line between serving and mothering
Author	dropdeadgorgon
Upvotes	23
Comments	25
Date	August 7, 2024 12:03 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1em9zpd/finding_the_line_between_serving_and_mothering/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/finding-the-line-between-serving-and-mothering.1526583 https://theredarchive.com/post/1526583

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