How to avoid lasting relationship damage from postpartum mental health concerns?

anothergoodbook · 2024-02-16T02:25:23+00:00

For better or for worse is exactly this.

Self care is vital especially with post partum. And the guilt of trying to be this particular kind of wife is only going to add more pressure.

This is the time for your husband/partner/captain to step in a help you navigate some of this versus you needing to be perfect.

Having a baby is insane. You grew an entire human!! Your hormones are all over the place. Sleep (or lack of) also plays a huge part. This massive change just in your own physical body let alone taking care of an infant and then trying to figure out your relationship… It’s rough and putting the pressure on to do all of it correctly and perfectly is only going to make it worse for you. So grace is of the upmost importance and recognizing where you are right now.

I have experienced so many of these things. After my second baby I was so scared of everything. We had these huge thunderstorms that summer (and my husband worked in the evenings). I was an absolute wreck for months. It was hard on my marriage. But keeping an eye on the fact that we both face challenges in a lot of ways was super important.

There are a lot of stories you can make up that may very well not be true. Yes he might be pulling away (or maybe not and it’s the stupid hormones and all the things…) but he may just be tired and scared to see you going through all this.

Don’t be afraid to take to a doctor about meds if needed. That’s my one biggest regret that I didn’t take the meds my doctor recommended. My husband wasn’t happy about them so I didn’t try. Later on in life I finally did try and it made a huge difference for me. It may not even be forever.

Lower whatever standards you can right now. Like if take out meals are an option do that. Second best is like pre made stuff at the grocery store and paper plates. Little routines around your appearance are good but don’t worry about looking great. A shower a pulling your hair back and a swipe of lipstick (and even that is just what you can manage). And that’s only because getting out of pajamas and whatnot is good for your mental health.

It’s okay that you are not OK right now. I promise. It happens. The priority isn’t to make your husband happy by superficial means of looking good or whatnot. The priority is your mental health and getting that straightened out.

I’m so sorry you are here. It is very scary - I’ve been there myself. Hang in there, sweet mama.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2024-02-16T02:28:34+00:00

Hey, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I'm the one who replied last time who had a baby about two weeks before you.

The good news is that this fear is itself almost certainly part of the catastrophizing. Many, many, many couples have survived severe PPD/A etc. without lasting damage to their relationship - if anything, coming out stronger knowing what they can survive together. Your man's "distance" could actually be a good sign in the sense that he's taking the self care he needs when everyone is holding on by a thread.

My advice:

1) Thank him, frequently, and it doesn't matter if you're crying while you do

2) Let him know you need to hear thank-yous from him, and far more than what seems rationally needed

Do you know how your husband wants you to respond when you cry, perhaps come to him for a cuddle? They talk about the baby needing skin-to-skin but I swear I was the needy one for skin-to-skin (with baby and with husband :P).

Don't hesitate to ask for and try medication. It's better to try them sooner and decide what you think of them than wait until you've completely collapsed and find yourself wishing you'd used them earlier.

rosesonthefloor · 2024-02-16T13:53:44+00:00

Hi mama, I agree with what others have said about it being okay that you’re going through a hard time right now, and to give yourself some grace! You are going through a lot, and you don’t have to be “perfect” while you do it, because no one is.

The other ladies have given you some great advice already, but I just wanted to chime in and share this post from the Gottman Institute that outlines some positive interactions you can use to build up your “bank” of positive connections, so to speak. And having some of these tools in your back pocket can help you feel better about your relationship with your husband, even if the circumstances you’re in haven’t changed much. I also like the repair checklist shared here.

All married couples go through hard times, and the key is really about continuing to add those positive moments and finding connection when you can. And I share this not just for you, but for both you and your husband, so you can find ways to support each other through this (as you need all the support right now!).

I hope that you’re able to find some relief soon, that you and baby are physically healthy, and that your family comes out of this time stronger and more secure in your love for each other ❤️

Mighty_Wombat42 · 2024-02-17T04:28:05+00:00

I am not a mother, but I have dealt with severe PTSD that was affecting my relationships with friends and family. I found that a powerful tool to help that was to express my appreciation instead of apologizing for being a mess. Instead of “I’m sorry you have to put up with me when I’m having an anxiety attack”, I changed it to “thank you for being there for me. I know it may not seem like it in the moment, but knowing I have a safe and reliable person to turn to for help makes a huge difference.” Instead of “sorry I can’t go out”, “thanks for staying in with me!” This language trick helps both you and the person supporting you because you’re not constantly emphasizing to yourself and them how you feel like a burden, but rather you’re emphasizing how much you appreciate them. This helps people feel good about taking care of you which is important with a mental health condition where sometimes you can’t be consoled or cheered up and you just need someone to sit with you. It also reminds you that you are loved and worthy of being cared for.

My only other advice would be if your reason for not getting treatment is due to waiting to see someone on your insurance, you should look for community clinics or providers who will see you without insurance on a sliding scale. They will adjust their rates based on your household income, and may be able to see you sooner.

Key-Tie2542 · 2024-02-16T12:13:14+00:00

I firmly believe most psychological issues are biochemical, and most biochemical issues are nutrition.

Are you breastfeeding? You give up a lot of salt when you do, and calcium, and fatty acids, and choline.

If you haven't already, check your iron and ferritin levels. And otherwise eat sufficient good food, with plenty of salt. Everyone has their own opinion on what constitutes "healthy food", but objectively the most efficient at delivering human requirements are starchy fruit and tubers (potatoes/sweet potatoes/bananas), milk/yogurt, and meat/eggs/fish. Extra butter is also good especially if the meat is lean. Other foods should not be considered off limits, it's just the above list are the "bodybuilding" foods, uniquely efficient at delivering all the essential nutrients in a balanced way for you and your baby.

I wish you the best. :-)

AutoModerator · 2024-02-16T01:51:27+00:00

Title: How to avoid lasting relationship damage from postpartum mental health concerns?

Author dropdeadgorgon

Full text: I posted a bit ago seeking advice for maintaining a RPW mindset during the postpartum phase (thank you to all who commented, it was very helpful!). Unfortunately, I’ve been diagnosed with postpartum depression, anxiety, and PTSD from the birth experience and am struggling beyond my ability to cope.

I still haven’t received adequate mental healthcare (that’s to be expected from military medical) and am very worried about the health of our relationship. I’m trying my hardest to receive care as soon as possible, and in the meantime things are very difficult. I’m crying every day, moody, irritable, afraid, and have little to no interest in doing things. I still force myself to look nice, cook, and take care of the house and baby, but it’s obviously overwhelming to me and not done with grace. Loud noises set me off in a panic, and I’m terrified of being alone.

I’m not even a soft place to land for myself right now, let alone my man. I can tell he feels frustrated and helpless due to not being able to make me happy and fix the problem, and it seems like he’s drawing away as a result. He’s really doing so much to take care of me and be there for me, but I know it must be draining. I’m so worried that this will cause lasting damage to our relationship. I also can’t seem to make myself just STFU about it - I have nonstop racing thoughts and struggle with catastrophizing. I’m desperately doing as much self care as I can and reaching out to friends to try and keep my issues in check, but it’s not enough.

I’m truly at a loss for how to navigate this situation, and I’m scared. Any advice on how to avoid irreparable damage to my relationship is much appreciated.

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Title	How to avoid lasting relationship damage from postpartum mental health concerns?
Author	dropdeadgorgon
Upvotes	9
Comments	17
Date	February 16, 2024 1:51 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1arwrlk/how_to_avoid_lasting_relationship_damage_from/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-avoid-lasting-relationship-damage-from.1245524 https://theredarchive.com/post/1245524

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