Please help me understand relationships

Glasskick · 2018-02-05T17:02:20+00:00

Maybe it's just that you have higher or different standards now that you're happy with your life? Could the attraction you felt when you were more needy, clingy, and insecure actually be rooted in your desire for attention to make you feel better, not in the actual compatibility or relationship potential you had?

So maybe it'll just take a bit longer to find a person you're genuinely, deeply attracted to even without the boost that your neediness gave you. And the requirements for attraction are probably going to be different now that you're different, so spend some time figuring out what you're actually looking for in a partner. Good luck!

Littleknownfacts · 2018-02-05T16:10:21+00:00

Hmmm, to me it seems like you are mixing up cause and effect? But then again, I'm not in your head so I don't know... I would think that if you are more attracted to a man that would make you more clingy and controlling, whereas when you are less attracted to a man you have more outcome independence. But the way that you word things it sounds like your active pursuit of the man is what makes him attractive to you, which doesn't make sense to me.

So my first question is, have you scrambled the cause and effect? Is my description accurate? Or do you insist that his attractiveness is a result of your behavior?

Rivkariver · 2018-02-05T17:10:51+00:00

It sounds like you don’t know how t be vulnerable without being dependent. Like to be strong you close off your emotions and block out even the good ones. Maybe practice deliberate vulnerability like admitting you need people.

sheikha4teddies · 2018-02-05T17:27:39+00:00

I appreciate your insight on this, though my sense is that you’re over thinking this. When you have someone in your presence, where you can touch them, things are different.

Just be happy and if your man wants to chase, let him. You will be attracted when you’re in their presence (or not). Life has a way of exhausting a person. If you’ve always been the proactive type it’s tough to be passive.

But just take things as they come. Someone else may swoop in an woo you in the process - so just let the current take you - keeping in mind your values and goals.

If a man doesn’t want you to chase them, no matter how much you like them, then don’t. You have to honour what he wants. Or you’ll drive him away.

I wouldn’t over think this and stop analyzing. Love each other in the way you can, given the circumstances you’ve been thrown into.

GymIntimidation · 2018-02-05T21:57:20+00:00

Always stay true to yourself. The only person that truly loves you for who you are is YOU. Nobody else.

Lacy_Drays · 2018-02-20T07:56:02+00:00

Your standards have raised greatly and that is a good thing. It's a good thing you won't get mindblown for every guy that gives you some positive attention.

You're going to get mindblown by someone that you truly like and appreciate for the person that he is, not for flattery or a game of cat and mouse.

Just keep meeting people.

strategic_expert · 2018-02-05T19:16:31+00:00

I think I may have an idea to your conundrum. There seems to be two parts of your life that you are very used to and so they are difficult to change (especially because in some ways you will still need to do these things sometimes): being alone and no longer actively pursuing men.

Unfortunately and yet fortunately in some ways, as humans we are habitual. The things we do everyday end up getting "etched" into our minds in a way that makes doing what we do our "comfort zone," which is so hard to break or change in even little ways. Even if we are failing while doing them!! That's why TV shows like "600lb life" or "Hoarders" exists. It is so so so easy to get stuck and that's why it is important to leave the comfort zone and challenge yourself. Anyway, time to digress

I definitely know what it is like to be alone and to have to be alone and then being very used to being comfortable alone. You get very used doing your own thing with no one else around.

Then, there's also the only way you've tried to form relationships with men; in pursuit of them.

So, what I think is needed is definitely a change in perspective. You can be alone and actively pursue men at the same time! Here's what I mean: When you're taking care of yourself (hygiene, meal prep, gym time) you are at the same time taking care of what your man loves. When you're taking care of the home (cleaning, homesteading, decorating) you are taking care of what your man loves. When you are doing things for yourself, that act IN ITSELF is actively pursuing men.

Now, there is another change in perspective needed but I'm not sure what it is. It could be self-esteem. Maybe it is possible that you dislike men pursuing you because you don't feel worthy? OR as others have mentioned, you aren't actually attracted to the men that are pursuing you (which is OK) and you will need to figure out what it is that you want in a man and in a relationship in general.

I hope what I've said has been helpful in some way and if not, hopefully it can lead to helpful discussion.

TL;DR: A change in perspective, getting out of the comfort zone, and knowing what it is you want in a man/relationship sounds like the hurdles that may need to be overcome in this case

RedPill_Swinger · 2018-02-05T19:55:26+00:00

That's probably because of hypergamy. If you're feeling clingy it's because he's handsome while if you're not he's just average or below.

So fight that and pair up with a reasonable partner (e. g. a 7 with a 7).

Only at that stage being passive and caring and more feminine will work, if there's too much of a gap no tactic is gonna work.

Yala2 · 2018-02-06T14:22:58+00:00

I like to chase.

Arima779 · 2018-02-06T14:52:13+00:00

I'll go against the grain here. There's nothing wrong with chasing a man. Just go through your logical mind when you do. Will I want to keep sleeping with him 5 years from now? What are his personality upsides? Would he be a reliable husband/leader? What about him drives me wild? I chased my husband and for all intents and purposes I'll never do better then him or even find another guy in his level in my lifetime, but it all worked out. I chased a few guys before him and it didn't work out. That's just life. Imagine the average guy he may ask out a dozen women before one says yes and after the date stuff probably doesn't work out. He still goes out and asks another dozen women out. We can do things to increase our value and chance of success but deep down alot of dating is luck,drive to find someone instead of just waiting around, and getting out there and being vulnerable. The things that hurt us help us learn. Nothing good happened to anyone who waited around and batted her eyelashes hoping her dream guy noticed.

mmerijn · 2018-02-05T16:34:26+00:00

This sounds more like a deep psychological issue and you don't seem to know enough about why it happens for anyone to make a good guess about what is happening to you. The best solution is probably to take a deep look inside yourself and find some kind of help for this. I don't know what kind of expert would suffice for your specific issue so I can't help you with this, but I wish you the best of luck.

Title	Please help me understand relationships
Author	sheikha4teddies
Upvotes	8
Comments	22
Date	February 5, 2018 3:48 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7vflpg/please_help_me_understand_relationships/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/please-help-me-understand-relationships.74199 https://theredarchive.com/post/74199

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