Worried about emerging dynamic - please help!

_Pumpkin_Muffin · 2022-10-21T12:51:54+00:00

Uh. What is your question? How to make your marriage happier, how to support your husband through a rough patch, or how to get him to support you as a housewife?

I dreamed of being a SAHW and doing the things I love full-time; cooking, baking, sewing, homemaking, caring for my physical appearance and my family while he provided a hopefully very comfortable lifestyle.

I have my own small business and so does he. I imagined after marriage I would start ramping down and he would start ramping up.

Did you two talk about it? Did he too dream of having a SAHW while being the sole breadwinner?

There's a lot here about what you want, but nothing about shared life plans and what he wants. There's a lot about how disappointed you are, but no understanding or compassion for HIM.

Look, businesses fail. Rough patches are hit. A very comfortable lifestyle probably requires two incomes. It' just the reality of life.

My guess is that for starters, he would want to stop feeling (being made to feel, by the very person who vowed to support him through hardships for life) like a disappointment and a failure. You make it abundantly clear that he's not measuring up to your standards. Well, he probably has standards too, and he's not measuring up to those either. He wanted to provide for his family and he FAILED. And now, his own wife turns against him for his failure.

Have some empathy for your man.

A SAHW's primary role is to be a support for her husband and family. You are not doing well in that department. If you act ungrateful, unappreciative, disappointed and contemptous of his efforts, if you regard him like a failure, if you think you're entitled to more than he's giving you, well - why should be want to be the sole breadwinner?

Teacup000 · 2022-10-21T15:22:45+00:00

I understand that you're early in your marriage and this rough patch is filling you with doubt. But is there anything you can do to make this a special time? Something that you wouldn't be able to do if he was working constantly on a new venture?

As your business is ramping up, could you see if there's anything you can ask him to help you with or give you advice on? Something that'll make him feel important and inspire respect in you towards him.

I'd also see where you can discreetly cut back on expenses. Choose cheaper restaurants to eat at, cook at home more, opt for cheaper cuts of meat, DIY some self-care, etc.

Lastly, stop working more than you want to. I think you'd be better off making/living off of less for awhile instead of being burnt out and resentful. Then, when he does get back on his feet, he gets to play the hero who lifts the family up. This is something men can find very motivating. You playing the hero seems like it's emasculating him and stressing you out.

Scared-Tea-8911 · 2022-10-21T13:39:31+00:00

Other comments have summarized your situation well. You are not entitled to a life of being a SAHW/SAHM.

Additionally… 4 months is not a long time. You need to let him network, rebuild his confidence, and find his next great idea. Appreciate the blessing that your business can pull you guys through the hard times.

Dating RP and being married RP are different. You’ve vetted, poked, tested, tested again, and ultimately decided that this man has what it takes during the dating phase. Now, your job is different. This is not a drill - this is real life, and hard things in life happen sometimes! Your job now is to support your husband, follow his lead, and let him set the agenda. If the agenda right now is continuing to pay the mortgage at the expense of your SAHW goals… you have to follow his agenda and know that he is working as hard as he can to make you happy in the long run.

If you are seriously doubting if this man had what it takes/what you want… that is a different conversation. But if you are just unhappy with the timeline or unhappy that your business ended up better than his in the short run… you need some perspective 💕 in the span of a 60 year marriage, 4 months when his business went rocky is not going to look like a lot.

Original_Adventurous · 2022-10-22T11:24:43+00:00

My partner lost their job earlier in the year and it took four months to find a new fit. Let alone to start up an entire new company, which, why the need to be small business owners? If he went out and became an employee to someone else would that be okay? Either way four months is a short period of time.

Your post basically said I want the dream and I’m not getting it - so I’m going to blame my husband. People lose their jobs through no fault, and four months seems like a deeply unrealistic expectation. I think you need to be more prepared and consider that life won’t always go the way you want. Sometimes there is Job loss, divorce, death, you need to be able to weather the ups and downs TOGETHER before blaming each other.

Also, hurry up and start working so I can stop is just an incredibly unattractive POV. You just told this man “provide for me for the rest of my life (and make sure it’s comfortable) but I won’t support you through four months of a hard time”

You say rest and recovery like it’s a terrible thing and an excuse - why? Why don’t you want the person you love to be able to take a break for a minute? Why do you have no faith that they want to return to work and provide for you?

If you hate your job and want to stop then do so and find a new one, (ie make a plan to do that in a way that works for your financials) but don’t begrudge him.

ihearthandbags · 2022-10-21T16:28:53+00:00

You mentioned your lifestyle a couple of times. This may be a good time to reflect on your priorities, is your image or marriage more important? Can you actually afford the lifestyle you live or are you trying to keep up with the Jones’s.

It sounds like you vetted for a solid man and life partner, don’t let money ruin a good thing. Sometimes life does not go the way we want, embrace the unexpected. Being a successful female business owner is something to be proud of, even if it wasn’t your plan.

AutoModerator · 2022-10-21T04:47:52+00:00

Title: Worried about emerging dynamic - please help!

Full text: I followed The Rules when dating (not sure how this sub feels about them) and ended up with a really great guy. I chose based on strong character and a personality that I loved vs. intense physical attraction and I am okay with that.

While we were dating, he did all of the calling, planning, doing etc. and I felt cherished and secure. We got engaged and married.

I dreamed of being a SAHW and doing the things I love full-time; cooking, baking, sewing, homemaking, caring for my physical appearance and my family while he provided a hopefully very comfortable lifestyle.

I have my own small business and so does he. I imagined after marriage I would start ramping down and he would start ramping up.

However, due to a number of issues, some of which were out of his control, his business ended up folding, while mine is actually on the path to growth.

It has been about 4 months now and I am starting to get concerned about the emerging dynamic. I feel pressured to work more and more to keep up with my business (and to be honest, the money to maintain our lifestyle) while he continues to talk about new ventures, network and make some progress towards them, but not with the fiery urgency that I feel I bring to my day-to-day work even though I would rather be a housewife!

This has led to many fights and poor behavior on my part as I feel resentful and then guilty for being resentful.

I am even starting to worry that I will have to be the breadwinner or the business-minded one long term, or that I underestimated his dominance-level and/or ambition.

I have tried to address this with him but it doesn’t go over very well as he gets emotional and says he already feels like a failure and I am not respecting him and I am making everything worse.

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RedPillDad · 2022-10-21T15:32:32+00:00

Can he be part of your business success? You stay the face of it, he carries more of the load behind the scenes. Carries some risk in that if you break up, the business might also break up. But he's still a better bet for a trustworthy business partner than a stranger.

sunglasses90 · 2022-10-22T20:04:59+00:00

Does he also dream about you being a stay at home wife? What was your discussion about your job after you got married?

Title	Worried about emerging dynamic - please help!
Author	SnooRevelations9742
Upvotes	13
Comments	21
Date	October 21, 2022 4:47 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/y9k45u/worried_about_emerging_dynamic_please_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/worried-about-emerging-dynamic-please-help.1136247 https://theredarchive.com/post/1136247

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