Long-term lurker, first time poster here.

A bit of background information before I get to the point: I'm 20, currently 2nd year student in the UK. Was raised by a single mother with an older sister, and fell for the blue programming which accompanies such an upbringing. My inability to attract girls wasn't helped by going to a boys-only secondary school, although I do believe this helped my grades.

Anyway, with my first exposure to women (house parties etc which began at 17) inevitably came the orbiting- happened 3 times before my first kiss. After a crippling oneitis in my first year of uni which went no further than one drunk kiss, I came to the internet for answers (women didn't tend to view me sexually despite being 6" 4 and in decent shape after a sporty childhood; for those interested I'm mixed race, half black african half white english) and stumbled across this subreddit.

Now, over a year later my notch count has risen at an encouraging rate (0-6 in 2 terms/ semesters), but all of those encounters were ONSs. I must thank TRP for allowing me to escape my former white-night ways and do things I would have judged others for doing earlier.

That said, this isn't a simple thank TRP post. Having now experienced both faces of the AF-BB coin, I do not find either of them to be fulfilling. The BB experience obviously entails a frustrating lack of sexual release, but the AF role, for me at least, lacks intimacy. Perhaps this is a remnant of my blue-pill programming, but it doesn't feel nice when I only text women to see if they're out clubbing (covertly to see if they're DTF).

I'd appreciate any insight from those who have similar experiences of such a transformation, and any advice as to how I can become more fulfilled. My guess is that I need to find a balance between the two roles, but I am yet to be able to.

Cheers gents, I value your opinions, and this subreddit is a great place for younger men such as myself who lacked male guidance growing up. Looking forward to reading your responses.