I teach kids & adults from 7 to whatever to climb safely. I'm doing it now for about two years. A year before that I was a prime example of the blue pill guy we either feel sorry for or laugh about: coach-potato, depressed, addicted to gaming, utterly miserable in my job, failed sex-life in my LTR and feeling totally inadequate just about everything.

Naturally my SO of my LTR of 11yrs dumped me when she was fed up with my depression and didn't got her needs met. So much for through good times and bad times. The moment her crush on a colleague was reciprocated, she literally traded me in. It was tough to see disgust in the eyes of the woman I loved.

I discovered climbing and it became a stepping stone to personal growth. I stopped smoking, lost weight, gained a bit of muscle, and decided fuck my job and profession, I'm going to do what I enjoy. And now it's teaching kids and adult how to climb. It pays shit, but I feel energized after working with kids and adults.

But I had to learn how to teach, how to stay unfazed when meeting resistance and how to properly correct adults and kids. I faked confidence, I faked I knew everything, I faked a whole lot. And so I kept trying to become better, to become the consistent, stern and masculine teacher that I had to learn to be to make the teaching work. And that makes me, a recovering BP for sure, realize a lot of the RP has merit.

Especially what works wonders is confidence and keeping unfazed when meeting resistances. But also acknowledging and admitting when I'm wrong. Without the overwhelming need to protect the mental image of myself I want people to have of me. Now, I hardly ever give a fuck what people think of me. Admitting a mistake doesn't make me feel insecure anymore. Neither is ignoring a kid or an adult when they are disruptive and grave attention. Ignoring is a powerful tool.

Taking that confidence to gaming was like unleashing an avalanche of opportunities. Flirting with and getting women in bed was something I thought was a passed station for me. And now I feel slightly disgusted when I realize it is so easy.

Bringing the teaching insights and experiences to a LTR is a whole different ball game unfortunately. I encounter stiff resistance from my new girlfriend when I react the same to the same bullshit I get from the kids.

The difference at work is that I really do not give a single fuck what the kids and adults think of me. All I care about is nobody splatters to death on or in front of me. If kids or adults give me an attitude or don't listen, I point to the door, saying they're free to leave. Nobody ever left. In fact, people enjoy what I do so much they either tip me or parents buy small gifts for me.

But at home I'm not able to keep the same mindset. I hate to see it in me, but I see myself fearing rejection, resulting in the delicious gift of women: fucking drama. Before I can catch myself, I react to her emotional outbursts, where I don't do that with kids. If kids are throwing a tantrum, off they go.

The fear of loss comes from that I want kids. I'm 40 years old. My dad gave me favorable genes on the aging department, so everybody thinks I'm 30. But time is unequivocally ticking away and I want to build a steady household where my kids can grow up in relative peace and safety. If I ever am lucky to get kids, I do not want to loss them in a divorce or damage them because the relationship is filled with drama.

The pool I fish from is not getting younger and my taste for 24 year old or younger women was fun for a year or two. But now I want to become a dad and not wait 5 years when a 24 yr old woman realizes she is getting past her prime. I now have a 28 year GF who seems like a great girl to have kids with. But she gives me plenty drama when I react the same as I do at work.

I'm stuck at the moment and trying to make sense of the thoughts and insights in my mind. It feels like I am on some kind of threshold of a realization or something. But there is lot of contradicting thoughts and realizations and it's hard what to take as truth and what to discard. Especially about what a LTR actually gives me, besides kids.