My past years... there was at least one thing that I was really good at. A "nice guy" trait.

Covert contracts.

At school, I was a really good student. A+ pupil, you might say.

My father was kind of abusive. Emotionally unavailable. Alcoholic, then dumped alcohol, went to work and never came back.

He was a doctor.

Mother pressured me to get to medical university. Father... I am not sure if he did, I don't remember he telling me to study medicine straight. Somehow I felt that I should. And I did.

Nothing really changed when I went to the university. Nothing in between me and my parents.

So, whatever, "fuck it" I thought. Studying hard will not bring me love of my parents, the love I want. Suddenly, I stopped being A+ student. There were some areas I excelled at, but mainly my performance at the university was shit, especially when compared to what I was before. I started drinking heavily too.

Spoiled? Maybe. This did not feel spoiled from my perspective back then. I was suffering.

Today I realize I had some form of covert contract with my parents, something along "I was studying hard at school and did whatever you want, now start being better to me or else...". And I did not get what I wanted, so I did the "or else" thing... That "or else" was basically a form of self-sabotage.

Poor, childish me, wanting love so badly, a child in man's body.

I realized today I was the only one I hurt in the process. Of course, I guess my father had his slice of shame, but that's his story, not mine.

That was then.

I repeated this in my marriage. Working hard, hard, harder than ever, more money, more stuff, more furniture, new computers, TVs, cars...

Unless I realized that this does NOT give me what I really want... what I really need.

Few years ago I stopped drinking, went to therapy. Suddenly, my work performance dropped. I stopped doing extra stuff for extra money. I was scared. What the hell is happening? My work was my whole identity. And now I avoid it like hell. WTF?

Fast forward to today. Filled for divorce. Found TRP. Started lifting. Read BoP, NMMNG, MMSLP.

I'm over 30.

I finally start to understand, that work is work. That getting money is getting money. And, that getting pussy and all those women-related things are women-related things.

Being successful in one area does not guarantee me being successful in another.

Being a great provider does not guarantee me a good marriage. Being a great father of my kids does not guarantee me a great marriage AND I believe this does not guarantee me a healthy kids in the future, as the world is a complicated place and I think I control only a tiny piece of it, and that's temporary.

On the other hand, I believe being unsuccessful with women equals being unsuccessful in business. There is no difference in being confident and aggressive here and there. There is no difference in being an alpha-contractor, who will fix whatever client wants, doing whatever it takes - and with being an alpha-male, aggressively pursuing a woman. Not chasing. If the client does not want your service, that's fine. If a girl is not interested in you, that's even better. That's a clear situation. Don't cry over it, don't hide. There is lot of stories about successful businessmen failed a lot. And, if you go to any manosphere page, they advocate approaching and they tell you not to worry about failing.

So...

I finally feel free.

I don't have to stop working and delivering stuff late just because I thought this will bring me pussy and happiness. It didn't and I felt cheated.

I don't have to compulsively do all the thing they told me at the therapy because I thought this will bring me a happy marriage.

I can work as much as I decide to. And, I can do reading/coaching/therapy as much as I want, but there are no guaranteed effects to my life.

Or, on the other hand, as I said... I'm getting a divorce. So perhaps the effect of changes in my life is getting a more clear, more truthful view of the world...

... which is not guaranteed to be nice.

Work. Hard work.

Work is not meant to bring me pussy.

Work doesn't even guarantee you get the money, by the way.

Lifting does not guarantee you success with women.

Reading TRP and all the sidebar does not guarantee you anything.

I understand more and I am able to do more. No longer doing covert contracts in my head.

I went lifting a few days ago, spoke with the receptionist, who was usually bitchy, I broke her shit-test and saw her smiling to me, when I exercised. For many weeks before I thought that this is what I would want. When this happened, I no longer feel like that. I found this distracting. I like looking at girls when I exercise, I like imagining myself fucking them hard especially when I lift bigger weights, just to pump myself up, but I found doing actual talk to them at the gym a waste of my time there.

I think the source of my recent changes in my life is no more longing.

No more longing.

If there is anything I want to do, I should DO IT.

This may sound funny, but for the whole my life I wanted to get a Nintendo console. And I bought one, last year. Me and my sons are having fun with it. I was afraid what will my wife tell me when I bought it. But that was my plan since long time. I always watched commercials of new Nintendo models but never bought one actually. And I did it, last year. Then, I realized there are some more things that I want to do, from a very long time. Like making my flat a safe place for me. I did it, me and my wife, we split our flat, she lives in the living room, I live in the bedroom now. I filled for divorce. I am feeling better in my flat now, I feel much safer there. I bought some MIDI controllers for DJ software and I am already playing with mixing music, as this is a thing I wanted to do since a long time.

And girls. If I internally feel that I want to do something, like approach a woman, tell her something, look at her... I do that. With no shame.

This is a much better place to life from. Much better mindset, than before. I am no longer NOT doing something and then thinking for WEEKS what could happen if I did.

I am DOING.

Seldom I get results I imagined. But this is funny. And exciting, as I don't know what will happen next. Just like that thing with girls at the gym. At first I was like "oooh, talk to me, talk to me, look at me". Now I'm like "whatever, pump the steel, nice ass, but nonetheless".

And I finally feel good about myself.

With an attitude of "bitches ain't shit", I spent that Sunday with my kids. In the past weeks I avoided spending time with them sometimes - I thought, that this is something beta, as by spending time with them I give my wife time to cheat on me. This Sunday? Whatever, my wife being a bitch and behaving like a whore doesn't really matter in the long run. Let her do whatever she wants.

Me and my kids, we had some good time. And I hope we will have it in the future, after I divorce their mom.

Thank you, TRP.