Relationship Pillars: A List of Guidelines I've learned from a lot of Disappointment and Mistakes in the past

Title says it all -- this is going to be a list of rules and guidelines I've come to accept over time after a lot of harsh experience with women in the past. Many of the things I'll touch on have been listed in previous posts, so I apologize for the carry over. But this is what I keep in mind (in no real particular order) when I'm dating these days and it's helped me immensely both to have a less lopsided relationship and also to mitigate any disappointment I might otherwise have when a relationship ends. I hope it's helpful for you in some way and, as usual, if there's anything you think I get wrong or want to elaborate on feel free to let me know in the comments. Anyhow, here goes:

1. Respect -- they have to respect you -- if this is gone, you've lost them. Never compromise this. Always have it in the back of your mind. Try to stay calm and avoid doing something you regret because it'll stay with you and after you've had to apologize a few times or done some things that tarnish your reputation, your respect value in her eyes is going to fall through the floor which is very bad for your interests. As an aside, only apologize when you need to -- you don't want to get into the habit of being a lapdog and it's okay to stick up for yourself and your interests.

2. Control -- Contrary to what Blue Pillers might tell you, all relationships have a power dynamic and it's critically important to be aware of -- you can't be whipped -- 50/50 give in take is fine in my view (though naturally if you can manage a better power dynamic in your favor that's great) and, contrary to what some others here will assert, I think compromise is awesome (though many disagree with this and I certainly do understand why). So, what I mean here is that if they come to you and aren't happy about something -- saying something like, "I see this is important to you, but this is also important to me -- how about we compromise and meet halfway like this..." Doing this let's you maintain your position and your respect, but it also demonstrates you value them and their input. Basically it makes them feel better while you maintain respect and a degree of control over the outcome. If there's ever something you want changed you can use this same compromise method and calmly point to other examples where you've compromised in the past for her as some leverage if she won't budge. Making deals (both in bed and elsewhere in your relationship) can be very effective since neither person loses respect or feels jipped

3. They have to like you -- obvious, but something you should always keep in mind if you want them to stick around or suck your dick.

4. You must meet a need(s) for them/they have to need you -- sometimes this is out of your hands to a degree if you've got a lot of competition, but again, this is just something one needs to be aware of in the back of their mind -- contrary to popular belief and what Blue Pillers or others might say, Love is Selfish not Selfless -- they're dating you because you do something for them. The moment that stops or they find someone else who meets their needs better or who better matches their ideal, they're gone. Always remember that.

5. They have to see you as being better than their other options -- ties into above.

6. Reinforce their existing beliefs -- now, this one's tricky because it depends to a degree on your goals and intentions as well as the person you're dealing with. Long term serious relationship? You've probably got some more room to ask honest questions and bring your own differing views to the table. That said, push too much and make them realize you're too different or that you don't share some of their core values and they may drop you like a hot potato. The honest truth is that, if this is just a quick lay for you, whatever bullshit they throw your way reinforce it and eat it up -- it'll make them feel good about themselves and think they have a connection with you.

7. Ask questions, don't criticize -- disagree strongly with something they said? Ask them what they mean or ask them to explain how they learned that or ask them to elaborate on a certain part of it -- Learn the Socratic Method -- it's a far less confrontational way to challenge someone to think about their views and often people catch their own mistakes. It also keeps the pressure and focus on them to defend their views and keeps the heat off of you

8. Be fun and upbeat -- act like you're glad they're with you and like you're having a good time -- even if you're nervous just try to mentally fortify yourself and "act" if you have to to get in the right mindset -- sometimes you just have to relax and remember it's okay if it doesn't work out and just try to have fun.

9. Be somewhat aloof -- pretend you have your own life even if you don't

10. This has been said in the past on this sub, but just to reiterate, generally speaking only use text to schedule events

11. Minimal use of emojis and try to text the same or less than they text you -- otherwise, things start to get lopsided and your power dynamic gets messed up as it becomes pretty obvious you're more interested in them than they are in you and that's never good

12. Don't respond to messages immediately (wait anywhere from 10 min to 2-3 days depending) -- it's not bad to make them wait a bit and it gives the indication you're not needy and have your own life

13. Never be desperate -- act like you have other options even if you don't -- that doesn't mean be rude, it's more of mindset

14. If it doesn't work out stay calm and be cool with it -- let it go and don't speak to them again -- maybe say something brief and generic like, "I'm disappointed, but I respect your decision" and then cut if off and move on. Once you get dumped, generally there's no coming back -- they've already lost respect for you and you just look desperate and go down in value in their eyes if you push -- it's over

15. Reputation matters -- what her friends think of you matters -- if they don't like you when she complains to them (as all girls do) they'll convince her to leave you instead of sticking up for you. If possible make friends with her friends. Additionally, if you're in a tight-knit community, any fuck-ups you've had are going to get around -- this is something that really bit me in the ass personally. People will judge you in advance based on what they hear from other people.

16. Keep your personal goals in mind -- ask yourself what you want out of the relationship and keep that in mind as it progresses -- just want to bang her? wanna marry her? Depending on what you want and how much you care, you might find yourself making different choices or finding it advantageous to do different things in different situations. Remember what's non-negotiable for you -- remember walking is always a real option

17. Remember all relationships are temporary -- in the end, they all end and the reason doesn't really matter (death, life changes, person finds somebody else, whatever).

18. Anticipate that people are going to cheat on you -- if she's cheating on you, you can walk or you can keep her around for the sex and cheat on her too -- expect it and do what you think is in your best interest.

19. Another obvious one, but Hygiene -- clean your apartment, your sheets and blankets, your clothes, dress appropriately for what you're doing, brush your teeth and take showers, working out never hurts, eating healthy and cutting back on bad health habits never hurts -- so on and so forth -- the usual. Have condoms ready when you'll need them. Keep your beard trimmed -- you get the picture.

There's probably a lot more stuff, but this is all I got for now -- hope that's helpful for some of you and keeps you out of some of the traps I've fallen into over time.

In the end, people only ever do what they want and there's a lot of things out of your control -- it's tough, but we have to learn to accept this -- all you can do is your best and a lot of the time, things don't work out the way you want.

Acceptance of this and letting go of your expectations is easier said than done I think, but it's just a healthy mindset to get into.

Recently there was a girl I really wanted to bang (super hot/similar values/etc), but turns out after our first date out, another guy had beaten me to the punch so she's with him so now I'm back to searching -- stuff like that is gonna be pretty common. Keep your own interests in mind -- try to prepare for the disappointment that's waiting -- and do the best you can.

Thanks for sticking with me guys -- I hope this helped for some of you and all the rest.

Have a good one team. If you've got any other advice or potential corrections, feel free to add them in the comments.