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Extremely toxic relationship- any advice appreciated

November 2, 2020

This might be a long one so thank you in advance to anyone who reads this and has any advice/encouragement/personal experiences to share. I only found FDS a couple weeks ago and I’m a total newbie so forgive me if there is anything wrong with the format or content of this post.

I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) for almost 4 years. The beginning of our relationship was great, as most are, and didn’t immediately raise any red flags. I’m not sure if he’s actually changed or if I was just blind to who he really is. When I call out his behavior he often says “I’ve always been like this” and makes me feel stupid for expecting anything different from him.

In his defense, he has some pretty severe mental health issues (depression, probably bipolar, anger issues), and he also has a lot of family issues. He has a really bad temper and he will randomly get extremely mad over the smallest things. He is super pessimistic, entitled and just generally negative about things so it’s impossible to ever cheer him up or make him feel better. The smallest issues have the power to literally ruin our entire day.

When we argue he can be super mean. Never actually physical although there have been times where we are both so mad we are in each other’s face screaming and intimidating each other, sometimes pushing (side note- super out of character for me but I swear he just makes me so angry and upset sometimes it brings out this awful crazy side of me and it’s extremely toxic). Pretty much any time we fight no matter if I’m arguing back or not he insults me. Every time he gets mad he calls me names, swears at me and belittles me and I scream at him to take it back. He of course apologizes later for the awful things he says but never actually stops doing it.

Then, in January I found out he had purchased a girl that we know’s only fans subscription. I already knew he watched porn (I had literally walked in on him jacking off once before) but the thing that hurt me the most was that it was a girl we both knew (she’s his friend though, I’ve never met her in person before) and also the fact that he paid for it during a time when he wasn’t working and I was paying for our groceries, household expenses, pet food and even had transferred him money from my bank account because his account had overdrawn. When I confronted him, instead of apologizing, he was super defensive and flipped out, screaming at me for going through his phone. He called me awful names and even spit on me...

I know everyone reading this probably things I’m weak asf for staying with him after that but I guess I was just scared to leave him at the time. Not cause I thought he would hurt me or anything but for other reasons. We live in a really expensive city and neither of us could very easily afford to live on our own. We also have 2 animals together, all of our furniture was bought together, and basically we just have a whole ass life together. It wasn’t easy to just walk away. He also justified purchasing the only fans with the fact that I hadn’t been wanting to have sex a lot during that time (I had recently gotten on an anxiety med that made it hard to get wet and lowered my sex drive a lot). I recognized that I hadn’t been giving him a lot of attention in that department lately so although I was super hurt by the only fans drama I figured I could forgive him as long as it never happened again.

Well now it’s November, almost a year later. The pandemic was really hard on us both financially and he was out of work again for a few months. We were fighting a lot and he said a lot of nasty shit. I have no concrete proof but I’m pretty sure he’s still paying for her only fans. I’ve confronted him (indirectly) and he swears he only has eyes for me and doesn’t do that shit anymore but he’s a really bad liar and idk I can just tell he’s playing me for a fool.

I’m so hurt and mad. I really want/need to break up with him ASAP but I’m scared and I don’t know why. I haven’t ever really lived alone so I guess I’m scared of that. I’m scared of what we will have to do with our cats. I’m scared that he won’t be able to live on his own. Financially it would be tough for me to live on my own but I could definitely do it. My boyfriend on the other hand can’t hold down a job (any job he does he starts to hate after 6 months and then will quit and be jobless for 3 months till he finds something else). He has no work ethic and I’m truly worried about his future and what he will do without me. Like I literally have to remind him to eat every day, it’s insane. I don’t know why I still care so much about him or what happens to him when it’s clear that he doesn’t care about me at all. This is my first serious/long relationship and I guess my “first love” as well.

Do you girls have any advice or words of encouragement for me? We’re both in our current apartment lease until May but I’ve talked with my mom and she’s willing to help me figure out financial logistics to get out of this relationship asap. I’ve never broken up with someone before though so I’m not even sure how to navigate that conversation or how to like do it? I’m worried I won’t be able to stand my ground because he’s really good at manipulating me and pulling on my heart strings when he knows he really fucked up and needs to draw me back in.

Thank you in advance for any insight! <3

TLDR: My relationship of 4 years has gotten super toxic and I need to get out of it but I’m scared and don’t know how to break up with someone. Advice/encouragement/personal experiences very much appreciated <3

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Post Information
Title Extremely toxic relationship- any advice appreciated
Author udontknowshet
Upvotes 28
Comments 11
Date November 2, 2020 2:59 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/extremely-toxic-relationship-any-advice.1068262
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/jmfrbv/extremely_toxic_relationship_any_advice/
Red Pill terms in post

[–]dollymyfolly 41 points42 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Connect with someone you can trust: parents, good friend and explain the situation you’re in. Someone you can rely on will help you with the logistics of leaving. But you do need to leave, deep down you Know that.

You’re going to be okay. Don’t even explain yourself, it’s simple. Pack up, move out, move on, block and delete, etc. it will get easier the more you do it. You need to look out for yourself and DONT MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM.

[–]udontknowshet 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much <3

[–]jjlew922 28 points29 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

You need to one day wake up and the next day be gone. Block him, give yourself at least 60 days no contact. 4 year is a long time. Get into therapy if you need it. Read up about healthy relationships, what they’re supposed to look like. Learn all you can about boundaries, these you need to enforce and see with actions, not words. I’m sorry to say but this man’s past is not your problem, can’t make excuses for him, he’s displaying a lot of toxic narcissistic behaviors. Please, please get out before he takes any more of your precious time you are young and beautiful!!! Stop being accommodating and believe you really do deserve better, I know you do!!! Leaving won’t be easy and you will have moments where you just haaaavvvveee to reach out. Don’t, you’re healing from the trauma bond, remind yourself it’s natural. If you do reach out, don’t be hard on yourself, we all live and learn. You’ve got this and I’m so proud to see you’ve already talked to your mom and you’re taking the right steps! Sending lots of love and courage your way ❤️

[–]udontknowshet 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much <3

[–]w1tchyw0man 15 points16 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Ok, you're dealing with a narcissist. I was with one for 4 years. The longer it goes on, the more your mental health will deteriorate and you will feel like you're dead inside. I know the fear you're talking about but wish it ended sooner. Make sure you get all your finances in order, trust a family member/or close friend of your plan and look to them to find a safe haven for you. If he's spit on you before I wouldn't put it past him to get violent which is why it is imperative that you DON'T tell him of your plans before hand. Once you know where you are going, block and delete him off EVERYTHING and do not turn back. This is for your own safety.

[–]w1tchyw0man 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Oh and you will definitely need to go to therapy. It has helped me deal with the psychological abuse. I would also recommend watching Doctor Ramani videos on narcisstic abuse on YouTube as well. Good luck

[–]udontknowshet 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much this was all super helpful, and I’ll definitely check out Doctor Ramani!

[–]umbralgarden 6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

So what I did when I had to move out fast from a totally shared life (furniture and everything) with my ex was I just maxed out my credit card - or you can open a new one- getting a storage unit and moving supplies. Alerting my friends and family. And renting a truck all within 48 hours, I moved out and went back into a room at my parents. I did not tell him any of my plans, I simply finalized everything and then showed up at the door with boxes and friends. I had 2 female friends help me pack and move and none of us are very strong- they couldn't wait to help me when they heard my story. 2 bedroom fully furnished condo it only took us a few hours. I'm sure you can find 2 people who care about you this much from work friends or family. I had to leave him a couch and bed I really like but it was worth it because he was such a piece of shit. I bet he won't even try to stop you if others are there because he's a chicken shit who knows he can't use abuse and manipulation in front of others, he'll be too embarrassed.

I already saw red flags when you were saying "in his defense he has mental illness" because so did my ex but he refused to ever treat it or get therapy. Does yours? Bet not. Is he medicated? Doubt it. Don't even try relationship counseling because I did and he quit 4 sessions in. You don't owe people with mental illness ANY sympathy or excuse if they refuse to acknowledge improve or treat that illness.

The fact he could look at any other porn but chooses to look at one very intimate one that he knows hurts you deep down is fucked up, but it also makes his obsession with this woman stronger. I'm sorry to say but he probably enjoys it more now that it's forbidden and you'll never be able to stop his sick obsession. I might even go so far as to message the girl and say he's a piece of shit so maybe she can block him but she's probably desperate for money. Honey just leave. There's way too many problems even without him screaming and spitting.

[–]udontknowshet 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much <3 And you are absolutely right- he’s not seeing a therapist, not on meds, not making any effort to work on himself mentally/physically/spiritually. Thank you for the insight

[–]enoughalready4me 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Leave. It will be ok. I stayed with someone who made me literally crazy for years longer than I should have. He finally left me! I was a shell of what I had been by then, I guess like that damn Giving Tree, he had taken all I had to offer & left.

I cried. I went to support groups. I had therapy. And then a friend told me that my ex was an idiot, that I am smart and cool and hot. And I believed it. Years of being told how much I sucked and all my fears about being alone & broke... just gone. I am in fact smart and cool and hot. And all that crazy just... left with him. Like he packed up my depression & took it with him.

Don't stick it out a minute longer. Codependency is not loyalty and not love. His issues are just that, his issues. They are not your burden to carry. The money will sort itself out. Alone is hella better than being with someone who is shitty to you. Alone is peaceful. I can hang with friends or my kids, have an occasional date with someone who isn't a jerk to me, eat lunch with my parents, whatever, if I feel a little lonely, but I really don't feel lonely. I have rediscovered myself & I am getting to know me again... it's awesome in the true definition of the word- great, a little scary, inspiring.

The ex is now in therapy for his anger issues. More power to him, but no longer my monkeys nor my circus.

All of that said, make a plan. You need a plan to leave and make sure you don't tell him or anyone who might spill the beans to him. Radio silence. Get a new place, friend's sofa, mom's house, whatever. Rent a truck. Pick up friends to help you. Drive to the bank & take out your funds and close your account. Fill out change of address cards with the post office & drop those off. Then, with your posse, get everything you want from your home and go. Block him everywhere. If you have legal entanglements, like shared ownership of property, hire a lawyer & leave the attorney's card with him to contact about division of property. BE FREE.

(PS watch out later for flying monkeys, people who are mutual friends calling you with "oh, he's so sad, couldn't you just talk to him?" NO. Tell the flying monkeys that discussing him is not ever acceptable & if they persist, you will block them, too. Damn, this post got long. Sorry. Just hate for you to put up with bullshit a minute longer than you have to. Don't waste years like I did!)

[–]udontknowshet 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully <3 That was all great advice and it really helps hearing from people who have been through the same shit

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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