This might be a long one so thank you in advance to anyone who reads this and has any advice/encouragement/personal experiences to share. I only found FDS a couple weeks ago and I’m a total newbie so forgive me if there is anything wrong with the format or content of this post.
I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) for almost 4 years. The beginning of our relationship was great, as most are, and didn’t immediately raise any red flags. I’m not sure if he’s actually changed or if I was just blind to who he really is. When I call out his behavior he often says “I’ve always been like this” and makes me feel stupid for expecting anything different from him.
In his defense, he has some pretty severe mental health issues (depression, probably bipolar, anger issues), and he also has a lot of family issues. He has a really bad temper and he will randomly get extremely mad over the smallest things. He is super pessimistic, entitled and just generally negative about things so it’s impossible to ever cheer him up or make him feel better. The smallest issues have the power to literally ruin our entire day.
When we argue he can be super mean. Never actually physical although there have been times where we are both so mad we are in each other’s face screaming and intimidating each other, sometimes pushing (side note- super out of character for me but I swear he just makes me so angry and upset sometimes it brings out this awful crazy side of me and it’s extremely toxic). Pretty much any time we fight no matter if I’m arguing back or not he insults me. Every time he gets mad he calls me names, swears at me and belittles me and I scream at him to take it back. He of course apologizes later for the awful things he says but never actually stops doing it.
Then, in January I found out he had purchased a girl that we know’s only fans subscription. I already knew he watched porn (I had literally walked in on him jacking off once before) but the thing that hurt me the most was that it was a girl we both knew (she’s his friend though, I’ve never met her in person before) and also the fact that he paid for it during a time when he wasn’t working and I was paying for our groceries, household expenses, pet food and even had transferred him money from my bank account because his account had overdrawn. When I confronted him, instead of apologizing, he was super defensive and flipped out, screaming at me for going through his phone. He called me awful names and even spit on me...
I know everyone reading this probably things I’m weak asf for staying with him after that but I guess I was just scared to leave him at the time. Not cause I thought he would hurt me or anything but for other reasons. We live in a really expensive city and neither of us could very easily afford to live on our own. We also have 2 animals together, all of our furniture was bought together, and basically we just have a whole ass life together. It wasn’t easy to just walk away. He also justified purchasing the only fans with the fact that I hadn’t been wanting to have sex a lot during that time (I had recently gotten on an anxiety med that made it hard to get wet and lowered my sex drive a lot). I recognized that I hadn’t been giving him a lot of attention in that department lately so although I was super hurt by the only fans drama I figured I could forgive him as long as it never happened again.
Well now it’s November, almost a year later. The pandemic was really hard on us both financially and he was out of work again for a few months. We were fighting a lot and he said a lot of nasty shit. I have no concrete proof but I’m pretty sure he’s still paying for her only fans. I’ve confronted him (indirectly) and he swears he only has eyes for me and doesn’t do that shit anymore but he’s a really bad liar and idk I can just tell he’s playing me for a fool.
I’m so hurt and mad. I really want/need to break up with him ASAP but I’m scared and I don’t know why. I haven’t ever really lived alone so I guess I’m scared of that. I’m scared of what we will have to do with our cats. I’m scared that he won’t be able to live on his own. Financially it would be tough for me to live on my own but I could definitely do it. My boyfriend on the other hand can’t hold down a job (any job he does he starts to hate after 6 months and then will quit and be jobless for 3 months till he finds something else). He has no work ethic and I’m truly worried about his future and what he will do without me. Like I literally have to remind him to eat every day, it’s insane. I don’t know why I still care so much about him or what happens to him when it’s clear that he doesn’t care about me at all. This is my first serious/long relationship and I guess my “first love” as well.
Do you girls have any advice or words of encouragement for me? We’re both in our current apartment lease until May but I’ve talked with my mom and she’s willing to help me figure out financial logistics to get out of this relationship asap. I’ve never broken up with someone before though so I’m not even sure how to navigate that conversation or how to like do it? I’m worried I won’t be able to stand my ground because he’s really good at manipulating me and pulling on my heart strings when he knows he really fucked up and needs to draw me back in.
Thank you in advance for any insight! <3
TLDR: My relationship of 4 years has gotten super toxic and I need to get out of it but I’m scared and don’t know how to break up with someone. Advice/encouragement/personal experiences very much appreciated <3