Why are men so deceptive about their drinking habits? How can I vet to find a man with healthy drinking habits?

shellofthemshellf · 2021-03-24T23:05:14+00:00

I also have an alcoholic ex. Now that you know the signs of a covert alc (subtleties that you may have once dismissed) it should be a bit easier to pick up on these red flags throughout the vetting process.

As HVW, we do not drink on first dates. We do not drink on second dates. So on and so forth. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, can increase the chances of sexual assault, as well as many other consequences.

As HVW, we also do not get into men's cars that we haven't properly vetted, and we certainly don't go to their home or invite them to ours. This removes the threat of being trapped with a possibly dangerous/possibly drunk man before we know if he's a covert alc.

Men do lie. All the time. Don't ask him outright if he drinks. Simply observe him. Does he have a drink at dinner even though you don't? Does he have a second, third, fourth drink at dinner, even if you don't? Does he have a lot of stories that start with, "I was soo wasted..."?

There's no foolproof way but the best course of action is to keep your guard up, vet ruthlessly, and move on at the first sign of alcoholism.

AyemHerself · 2021-03-24T23:11:07+00:00

Are you me? My last ex was a major alcoholic too. There were some tells that I either didn't catch or ignored early on, but I will say an addict will never outright tell you they drink too much. They either don't realize how out of control they are, or they're embarrassed about it and will lie.

Here are some flags I definitely should've noticed in hindsight:

Our first date, he told me about many of his past traumas and made the comment "so you see why I drink so much?" As a "joke." It's never a joke.
Many of our dates revolved around drinking. He got to use the pretense of trying new things and introducing me to craft beers since he was more familiar with them than I. But we NEVER had a date that didn't include alcohol until his problem came out.
He had mood swings. Like, mid-conversation he could go from happy and joking to crying his eyes out. This was presumably when the vodka hit him.
He couldn't handle stressful situations at all. Especially around certain times of the year that held bad memories for him. Those would be the times he'd hide in his place and maybe call me to cry.
He kept mouthwash in his car. This one should've been so obvious to me, but I wrote it off as "oh, he wants to have fresh breath for when he sees me!"
If I spent the night with him, he'd go to bed a lot later than I.
He'd hide empty liquor bottles around his place and claim he just didn't want to share them. Matt, I really wasn't going to steal your pineapple vodka but OK.

One thing I will tell you is: do NOT let your denial take hold. Don't give the benefit of the doubt. These signs I listed are so obvious to me now but I kept making excuses. My dad is also an alcoholic and I dismissed it all as me projecting my "daddy issues" on my ex. Turns out I was right. Oh, and don't tell guys about your ex's problem. That's like flashing a big neon sign that says "I put up with addict bullshit!"

Keep your eyes open and have dates that don't involve a bar or brewery. Watch for his conflict resolution skills. That's really all you can do.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-03-25T00:08:35+00:00

I think for some men it’s not even intentional deception. They legitimately think a six pack a night and the actual hard alcohol (aka shots with the boys) is normal, and not alcoholism.

One of my LDR exes drank every night of a visit until I called him out on it and said it was concerning and I wasn’t getting to know the real him if he wasn’t sober. He ended up crying because I said this, and claimed it was so he could last longer in bed? What the hell. You were drinking like this before I was there, dude. 🤦‍♀️

BabyGothQ · 2021-03-25T00:52:42+00:00

Yeah, you’re making the classic mistake of telling them your standards. They then tell you exactly what you want to hear. It’s not even malicious at this point for them, just a part of the routine of tricking women into having sex with them.

I digress.

You’re on the right path. Trust your instincts! As long as you’ve learned your lesson from your ex, you’ll be able to see the warning signs with others. How would you have known if you hadn’t encountered an alcoholic before? Now you have.

Just go about your dating experience. Let your date do what they would normally do. Don’t comment on anything, just order your water or what have you and move along casually. If they ask you why you aren’t drinking, make a joke about a cleanse or “alcohol makes sloppy dates” or something. Obviously don’t lie, but make it as casual as can be. You can just say “I don’t drink :)” and leave it at that. Don’t rush through it or over-explain.

Let them order their items. Take notes. Assess the man as a whole. Determine their personality.

Some people order drinks on a date because they think they have to, or because it’s habit. It’s not a good indicator of someone who abuses alcohol.

Do they show signs of an addictive personality? Do they feel the need to always be “on”? Are they a “real fun guy”, meaning partying, etc.? Do they overstep boundaries? Do they talk about certain activities they do on the weekends that usually have a high drug or alcohol culture? Are they stressed about work, family, etc. and using the drink when it comes to the table as a “finally, relief!” moment? On and on.

Then as these behaviors, and others that you already now recognize from your ex, pop up, instead of being anxious that someone could be lying to you, you know that you simply let them do what they wanted to - you’ve observed reality instead of creating a fantasy.

As you go on 2nd and 3rd and etc. dates, remember that you’re getting to know the man as a whole, his character, values, etc. in order to make the best decision for yourself. Also, you’ve got to communicate your standards and set boundaries. If on the 3rd date so far he’s been a perfect gentleman but is getting a little irritated by you refusing to take a shot with him for a “special occasion”, then you know you’ve hit the limit of where he fails to meet your standards and/or where his values bump up against your boundaries.

Then you can say something like “our values aren’t aligned, good luck, I hope you find the one for you.” Adios!

If you’re out on a date with someone and you’ve both ordered, then they ask why you didn’t get an alcoholic drink and you tell them you don’t drink alcohol and all of a sudden they try to wave over the waiter and cancel their drink order because “oh that sounds like a good idea, you’re so smart, blah blah blah”, you might have a manipulator on your hands. If your date notices that you didn’t order alcohol and asks why before the waiter gets their order, you can still just casually play it off, but pay attention. If they defer to you automatically and say “I’ll do the same thing”, you still need to take note, see how he acts on the 2nd date about it, how he acts about it when you’re meeting his friends, etc.

However, if you’re out on a date with someone and you’ve both ordered, then you tell them you don’t drink and they just continue on with the date, yet you notice that they barely touched their drink on the date? Green flag! Then later on, when you’ve started to get to know each other more and you tell him a little more about why you think alcohol is so dangerous (without mentioning the trauma from your ex, please!) “I knew someone who abused alcohol and it tore their life apart and everyone’s around them. I swore that I wouldn’t drink again.” or what your story and feelings are about it, and they listen, understand, and you notice that next time you’re on a date they don’t order any alcohol, and they barely mention it, as if it’s just normal.. you might’ve got yourself a winner!

People who are genuinely picking up on your values and aligning with them don’t need to announce it and show it off to you. It simply becomes a part of your life together.

I only wrote out these example scenarios to help you understand the dynamics of dating manipulative men. Good luck!

Cat_With_The_Fur · 2021-03-25T03:11:49+00:00

I feel you so hard on this. My ex husband was an alcoholic and I missed so many signs. I beat myself up about it so much. I’m scared to get in another relationship, but I hope that now that I’m a lot more educated about addiction, I’ll see it sooner. The biggest thing I’ll look out for is every date involves alcohol and can’t “relax” and have any downtime without alcohol. Also, being self aware/in touch with a range of emotions instead of drinking to not have negative emotions.

Title	Why are men so deceptive about their drinking habits? How can I vet to find a man with healthy drinking habits?
Author	super_thinker_
Upvotes	126
Comments	12
Date	March 24, 2021 10:40 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askfds/comments/mciucl/why-are-men-so-deceptive-about-their-drinking-/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/why-are-men-so-deceptive-about-their-drinking.1629270 https://theredarchive.com/post/1629270

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