The Background

Married 26 years. Me 49, wife 47. Two teenage boys, one in college. Never a truly dead bedroom, but trending that direction for a long time. Frequency declining, starfish becoming the standard.

To get this out of the way early, I have been lifting for 30+ years. Was a D1 wrestler when my wife & I met. Fitness is a central part of both of our lives. The problem has never been my body, it's the way I've idolized and put her on a pedestal for our entire relationship. Classic Mr. Nice Guy bullshit followed inevitably by frustration/passive aggressive lashing out/apologies, etc.

The Tipping Point

We've been arguing about sex a lot the last few months. Me complaining, negotiating, constantly doing more around the house to earn her favors. You know how that worked out.

After one particularly wooden session of starfish sex, I pulled the ripcord and bailed. She asked what I was doing, and was humiliated when I explained that her complete lack of enthusiasm was a giant turn off.

A few days later she announced that, going forward, we would only have sex on those days where she felt really good so she could give it her best. Basically two or three days per month. I told her that was a horseshit plan, but it seemed right in line with her pattern of consistently strangling our sex life.

One after the other she's been taking things off the table - lingerie, mornings, about six months ago it was blowjobs, a few weeks ago it was weekdays - she's too tired from her new job. Now this. I don't have to be Copernicus to see where we're headed.

Progress So Far

I had started browsing MRP before her last announcement and was becoming aware of the underlying issue. Read MMSLP, NMMNG, WISNIFG. Listening to tons of podcasts, just started BPP's youtube series. So many great threads in this sub - thank you all for sharing so much.

Her "good days" announcement came on a Sunday. Later that night I was reading MRP and came to a decision that I was going to be a man again and stop playing games, trying to earn her approval, etc. Monday I felt a huge weight lifted, tons of energy, felt satisfied for the first time in a long time.

Tuesday, went to her office to switch cars and have lunch. First time I've been to the new office with her co-workers around - all women. Flirted and joked around with all of them while she was finishing up on the phone. Fast forward to after lunch. We get on the elevator and she grabs me and wants to make out. This is new. About 30 seconds later I embarrass her by telling a nurse that gets on that we had been distracted by kissing and forgot to push the button. That night she initiates with a blow job. Success would be short lived.

Prelude To The Main Event

I've initiated three times since and have been shut down. Once she was just finishing shark week and said she wouldn't be ready until the next day (heard that before). Replied that I was good to go right now, in a light tone. She took it the worst possible way and accused me of "pushing the issue." Whatever. STFU and walked away.

I have been aloof and on point since. Taking care of what needs to be taken care of. Not being silent, telling her she's welcome to join me when I've gone out, etc. She's been pissed. Silent treatment, avoiding eye contact, etc.

This morning when she got out of the shower I told her to get in bed with me and I'd help her forget about whatever was bothering her. She blew up and acted as if I should know exactly what was bothering her. I told her that if she felt like telling me she could, but I wasn't going to play any mind reading games and I stepped into the shower.

She informed me just before she left that she needs to get all her thoughts together but that she's not playing games and is done with how we talk about problems. Keeping our marriage intact is her highest priority, but she's unhappy.

Strategy

My plan is to keep things brief. Let her know that I'm done with trying to earn her approval, that my job isn't to make her happy in an effort to possibly be rewarded with sexual favors. No sarcasm or insults, which I've used far too often in the past.

I'm looking for opinions on setting expectations. I'd like to lay out what the Captain/FO relationship is going to look like and would like some feedback from those of you that have done this. Is it too soon? Anything you wish you would have done different?

My instinct is to let actions speak for themselves, but feel like some table setting would be helpful in moving things along. We have some long established patterns - it's easy for her to perceive my withdrawal to something more productive as just passive/aggressive butthurt. I'm truly over that, but I can see how she would see it that way.