35yo, 6’3”, 210 lbs, 20.7% BF, OHP 3x120lbs, DL 3x350lbs, BP 3x180lbs, SQ 3x300lbs. Found MRP in January 2020.

Here goes a bit of a field report, and I’m looking for some input on some things. I’m posting to the retard playpen for a reason, still working on things, have at it.

Background:

In yesterday’s OYS I wrote:

I was not focusing on myself enough. I took that to heart and ran with it, and took the advice of living life like my wife was dead. I didn’t Rambo and go out of my way to ignore her, but I just kind of did my own thing and it was great. Well this inadvertently kicked the dread up, and in the last 3 weeks I have been hit with:

1. “Are you getting in shape because you’re going to leave me?”, I replied that’s not my current plan, kiss on the forehead, all good.

2. “Don’t leave me too soon, so I can enjoy your body for a bit”, I replied by fucking her brains out, multiple times. Horn’s post about when was the last time you fucked your woman clicked with me on this one, and things were on the table that have not happened in years. I almost made the mistake of thinking that this sex was the new norm, but I caught myself and reset and kept things status quo.

3. So the first 2 were what I would describe as half joking comments. But last night I got hit with an honest “please don’t run away with someone else” It was a different tone, much more serious, and I could tell it was a valid concern. I provided comfort, but I also got a text that she set up an appointment with her therapist for tonight. I am going to stay the course here, and see what comes of it.

One more I forgot about (didn’t think much of it at the time but it came up last night), I was putting on cologne one morning and she asked me why I was wearing it and who it was for. Now mind you I’ve been putting on this same cologne now for maybe 4 months, and in fact she bought it for me years ago for Christmas. I said it’s for me, I like to smell good, and she kept pressing on who else it was for, I thought she was joking. I laughed it off and didn’t think much of it but apparently, she was 100% serious.

“The Talk”:

So last night, we put the kids down, and are eating dinner and brings up her appointment, and why she set it up, notes from what she said below:

- I have a bad habit of ignoring people, and at times I even ask a question and then getting distracted by my phone without listening to the answer (this is true, not just with my wife. I’m 90% sure I have ADD as my focus can be shit sometimes, something I need to work on in general)

- she claimed that this is what was upsetting/frustrating her (This has been going on since we met in college, not just the last few weeks so I know this is just her feelz)

- she could feel that I pulled my affection and attention over the last 1.5 weeks specifically

- I have always been touchy/feely (KINO comes naturally to me), but not lately. In fact she listed the only 3 times in the last 1.5 weeks that I touched her (2 ass slaps & I pulled her in for 1 hug). She also said when I left in the mornings I would only give he a quick peck goodbye and go on my way (which is true)

- She said she didn’t realize how much she needed my affection, even though sometimes she complains that I am too touchy, as soon as I stopped she felt ‘gutted’ and ‘invisible’

- She literally sat there and explained in laymen’s terms how her hamster was working on overdrive, and told me because I pulled affection and attention, she had convinced herself that I was cheating on her.

- In the last 6 months I’ve really pushed my lifts up, I’ve cut weight, I’ve grown my beard differently (and started using products rather than just let it grow wildly), went from a buzz cut to an actual hair style, improved hygiene, wearing cologne again, and have been trying to change my mental models. She overtly told me because of all of this she was insecure, thinking I was doing it for someone else. She admitted that she was the one that suggested growing a beard after we got married, liked and encouraged me to grow my hair out and style it, encourages me to work out and works with my schedule to make that happen etc. So in short she likes and encourages all of the changes but her hamster is stuck telling her it’s for someone else.

- She said she doesn’t want to keep accusing me of cheating, because if she does it enough then ‘I may wake up one day and say fuck it if I’m going to get shit on for cheating I may as well actually cheat’. LOL

- She was visibly upset still while she was talking, on the verge of tears, but calm and not bitchy. Clearly coached/scripted by the therapist on how to bring up her feelz.

- She said she would never turn down my affection again, now that she realizes how much she needs it (the best part is she actually believed it, I give it about 2 weeks before she tells me to stop slapping her ass haha)

How I handled it:

While she was talking I listened, let her talk, basically STFU.

The good: I had a pressure flip at one point, when she gets pissed off she starts being a disrespectful bitch. So as she was talking I called her on this and said of course I’m not going to engage/interact with you when you are being disrespectful, I have better shit to do. This knocked her off her ‘script’, as she looked a little puzzled that I would call her out on something during her victim puke. But I held my ground and she actually acknowledged this and apologized for being disrespectful. Also, she never specifically asked outright if I was cheating or had cheated. It would have made the conversation a lot ‘easier’ and quicker if I had of just comforted her and told her I haven’t cheated and am not planning on it anytime soon, but I bit my fucking tongue and did not disclose this. I need the hamster to still be moving here.

The bad: I ended up apologizing for what she claimed is the issue (ignoring her to check my phone), more in a “I’m sorry that this has made you feel this way” than a straight I’m sorry, but I still caved on that end.

Overall: Dinner & conversation ended, I provided comfort which was well received. I got a BJ when we went to bed as she’s just finishing shark week. Generally I’m amazed how quickly she felt me pull my time and affection, and how much it affected her.

Moving Forward:

So now I’m recalibrating. My plan now is to keep busy, doing what I’m doing, build a life away from my wife, but adding back more KINO and affection. Reward good behavior, pull attention and affection when I get bad behavior. Keep lifting, reading, STFU/WISNIFG techniques for shit tests. I don’t want to backslide and go 100% comfort/BETA but if I don’t want to go full retard and keep ignoring her completely, so I’ll have to find the right balance here. I am expecting some ups and downs over the next few months, possibly heading for a main event? Ultimately just keep moving forward and calibrate as needed.

Side Note:

I don’t know if this should be a separate post or not. In the fall, my MIL found out that my FIL had or was having an affair (I don’t know all the details but it sounds like multiple times, over several years). Her parents had the prefect Tradcon marriage from the outside looking in, high school sweethearts, together for 40 years, white picket fence and all. This sent my wife into an absolute tailspin, and I had the opportunity to witness what I could possibly expect during a main event. She was very pregnant when this happened, so I was not running any dread at all, but this got her hamster instantly running at 11/10. She was hysterically crying, snot bubbles, etc. She was an absolute mess and while I was trying to console her she asked me:

- if I was cheating on her

- if I had ever cheated on her

- she told me I could tell her if I had cheated on her and she wouldn’t be mad

At this point I was sincerely concerned about the health of the baby, so I told her I have never, nor will I ever, cheat on her to help calm her down. I thought that would set me back in the process because at the time I meant it, so I thought she would not be swayed as much by dread. But given last night it seems like that’s been long forgotten.

I’m curious if anyone else has had experience with a ‘mini-event’ that was brought up by something completely outside of your control/influence? It was quite the spectacle but as I said I am hopeful that I got some practice to see how a main event could look. Obviously, I would have to handle a real even much differently.