Pretty sure I’m not doing this right

jacktenofhearts · 2016-03-22T05:48:36+00:00

My wife and I got married about a year out from college, started having kids right away. With a wife, kids, mortgage, job, business school and a BP attitude, I missed out on most of the 20’s carousing my friends did before they each hitched off, and we’ve drifted.

So, these friends. Maybe they've actually been inconsiderate shitheads for your entire friendship -- in which case, maybe this isn't the hill to die on for your wife's Anxiety Wars -- but I suspect not. Because, as you note:

She gets annoyed that “I had just written them off, but are now willing to suck up to these guys the minute they call.” (True? Probably.)

Emphasis mine. You recognize you're "sucking up" to them. Probably because you recognize their behavior is mostly the consequence of decisions you've made over the past several years. I would bet these friends invited you to a lot of shit, and you just... didn't go. It was always too hard. Too hard to go on that camping trip, Vegas weekend, game night, Halloween party -- whatever. Or if you did go, you probably came with your wife and kids, who probably monopolized all your time and attention and then made you leave early. If that's the case, then they blew you off this trip because it's clear you were only willing to give them so much reciprocal investment. The most you're worth is some throwaway invitation to join them to something they were going to do anyway, because that's about as much effort as you've given them in the past.

If that's true...

I express this to my wife, and tell her I’m writing those guys off and moving on.

... then you need to recognize that rebuilding those friendships will take as much time and effort as any other relationship that you've neglected for years. So, yes, you very well do need to suck up to your friends. They no longer care to put in the extra effort to try and hang out with you. If these friendships will be rehabilitated, it's up to you. And it very well could be a lost cause; they may have written you off years ago, and don't particularly care to try and accommodate your presence in their lives anymore. But instead, you're in denial about this, and then you whined to your wife about it, like that was going to do anything except set you up for this:

She starts giving me some shit, wants me to drive so that I don’t drink too much and “come home at a reasonable time.”

And:

“you’re such an asshole” and “are so full of shit,” and “you should just do what you want because that’s what you’re going to do anyway.”

Because of how you framed things to your wife -- "boo hoo, these friends I've neglected for years don't drop everything to respond to my texts" -- your wife essentially saw you fail a Compliance Test with your friends. If you think your wife is especially anxious -- and she's probably not, I've written countless words to other men on MRP who had to deal with wives a lot more anxious than yours -- then a lot of your challenge will be navigating Shitty Comfort Tests. You've just demonstrated, to her, that you prioritize people that treat you shitty -- how is that supposed to make her feel? At best, you look like an inconsistent and foolish Captain. At worst, you feed this narrative her hamster is driving, that you're destined to leave her because she "needs you," and you apparently like redirecting your attention to people to act like they very much don't need you.

I’m pissed so I STFU (in a completely butthurt way)

I pour out my lamentation for the dearth of a social life.

You know, has it really not occurred to you that you have other options than this? Consider the following points, stated in the plainest language possible...

Both your lives revolve way too much around your kids.
Neither of you has any social life independent of the other.
Both of you have other interests that the other isn't going to care for, but other friends would.
Both of you have let too many friendships languish because of too much inflexibility around planning, and you plan to be more flexible in the future.
Dealing with all of the above isn't trivial with four kids, but deserves more effort than you've put in so far.

... I can't imagine communicating this, however overtly (words) or covertly (actions) you care to do, wouldn't resonate with your wife. You aren't whining, you aren't seeking her validation, you aren't getting emotional. You're just saying, look, these are problems and deficits you've noticed in your life -- and hers -- and you're going to solve them. She can get on board or not, it's up to her. If she doesn't think she has the same problems, that's fine, you're not asking her to do anything different. But at least now things like, "I'm going to go out of my way to see friends in the city that texted me last-minute" has a context, because it's part of a frame you're trying to establish.

Over the last few years, and in a manner appropriate for the effeminate manboob that I am/was, I’ve lamented this lack to my wife. (Along the way, I covertly blamed her for the limitations she placed on my life, and expected these expressions of my feeelzz to cause her to address my problem.)

Yeah, you probably did this when she had a newborn sucking on her tit, which based on your reproductive schedule was pretty much 100% of the time since 2010, so maybe she wasn't in the best position to solve this problem for you, or even give a shit about it. I'm sure you probably had a lot of conversations like this:

You: "Oh, Greg invited me to his bachelor party. I haven't seen him and those guys in awhile."
Wife: "When is it?"
You: "This June, supposed to be in Vegas."
Wife: "Oh - a month before [Kid #3]'s due date."
You: "Well, yeah."
Wife: "You're seriously thinking about going? When we already have two kids and I'm going to be eight months pregnant? Plus you have [some shit about work you whined to her about] and [some shit about business school you whined to her about]."
You: "Yeah, but -- ugh. I just feel like I never have any time to see my friends!"
Wife: "What about me? My family gives me shit all the time because we can't make it to all their plans! And [some hamstering about how she's apparently content with her social isolation, at least you get to see your family since they're closer, and even thinking about leaving her with multiple kids to see titties in Vegas makes you a selfish and inconsiderate jerk]."

So let's be clear: you're struggling to establish new boundaries with your wife because you've been so shitty about setting them in the past. As I see it, this has very little to do with her "issues" or "anxiety." Your life is the product of the choices you've made, and apparently those choices have been to mostly abdicate to her when it comes to your social life. Yeah, you cheated on her. If that means you can't ever go out for a drink with friends and not text her every 10 minutes, then maybe those terms of redemption weren't worth salvaging the marriage. But, as yet another clearly A-plus choice you made, you decided to agree to those terms and then whine about it, probably pretty much constantly.

(con't)

whinemoreplease · 2016-03-22T01:00:44+00:00

wait... so you decide to write them off, tell your wife, then grovel back and somehow your wife is the asshole and you're not the spineless cuntbag? not really adding up for me.

from this post - i see nothing of value that you add so why should anyone give a fuck?

stonepimpletilists · 2016-03-22T13:59:03+00:00

1,545 words 8,256 characters

I'm insecure, and always regretting my life decisions. I've jumped on any hedonism I can get to feel validated. My wife is a mess, and I'm one of the reasons. Not only do I make it worse, but sabotage my craving of validation from her.

Question, what temperature do you bake cookies at?

53 words 285 characters

Not sure if ready

You aren't special, this post screams you thinking so. You picked up a damaged woman, who you haven't been the rock/oak to in as long as you've known her.

You spent more of your backstory on complaining, bitching and moaning than you have even mentioning anything of value you've done in the last 7 months. I mean, you do look for things to tell you what you want to hear

explain how you can't take a tried and true method and apply it elsewhere?

Have you addressed any of the things you've mentionned?

I wouldn't mind seeing a picture of your home gym BTW. I will bet a sweet dollar that there isn't 45lb plates there, a proper squat cage.

Regardless of this drivel... Perhaps telling her about these grand plans to eat clean and lose weight might be good if you stuck to them, instead of spending the weekends on beer and pizza? Your constantly dripping need of valiation, as well as your vehement desire to get the fuck out of the house?

If I had to wager, it would be a girl who is already a bit of a basket case, with a non-attractive schlub who both tries to force her to have tingles for him, and then uses a cudgel if he doesn't get his way

^{I'll bet those friends you resent also feel that from you every time you see them as well.}

My suggestion? Take stock of your life, improve the things you can, get over the things you can't, and maybe try getting that asshole in the mirror to start respecting and appreciating you, before you start asking everyone else.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-03-22T01:54:16+00:00

How far does a man go with being comforting / supportive when your wife has some issues?

That is like asking how many roads must a man walk. This is individual and you are a known cheater so cutting your girl some slack is not "Blue Pill."

I’m pissed so I STFU (in a completely butthurt way).

Ouch! Props for recognizing it- but what do you think your wife saw? I give props to her for getting over that weak display.

I check out and shut down. Car ride home from dinner is tense and silent. I put the kids to bed, and then she tells me “you’re such an asshole” and “are so full of shit,” and “you should just do what you want because that’s what you’re going to do anyway.”

This entire exchange could have been shut down. Take her in your arms, make strong eye contact with her and order her to stop worrying about you. Say something sweet and totally Beta if you want like "You know I will always come home to you."

You are not being the Oak and protecting your family but that doesn't mean you don't go out with the guys.

athridos · 2016-03-22T01:17:45+00:00

You cheated on her while engaged and then went bluepill, and now you suddenly want to be alpha and want her to just go along with it. That's not how it works.

You're an adult--you shouldn't be drinking yourself into a condition where you can't drive just to make up for voluntarily getting married in your 20s. How would you feel if she wanted a girl's night out drinking until not sober?

You are not acting like a Captain with a family.

Daisyjane13 · 2016-03-22T00:47:58+00:00

So, she knew you had a ONS before you got married, you had regret and apologized and still got married. So whatever happened then is done and over with. Constantly bringing it up in your face is preventing everyone from moving on and basically feeding her anxiety. You need to make a hard line and inform her, you have already apologized, it happened years ago and the incident will never be brought up again.

She has to be in charge of her own feelings of abandonment and crappy childhood. She has to fix her own doubts and self esteem issues and find some girlfriends she can vent to. You can encourage, support her and lead her to finding these things, but you can't do it for her.

You have to work on you, being around like minded men enhances your masculinity and gets you out of your wife's frame. I am not sure if these random college buddies that called you last minute actually qualify as like minded men, but I don't see a problem going out with them. Maybe you need to cultivate more friendships with people who are closer, and have more in common with.

You are going to have to develop before you can lead your wife. But you need to draw a line on bringing up premarital affairs, she is beating a dead horse.

Title	Pretty sure I’m not doing this right
Author	athridos
Upvotes	6
Comments	21
Date	March 21, 2016 11:22 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4bevm7/pretty_sure_im_not_doing_this_right/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/pretty-sure-im-not-doing-this-right.207576 https://theredarchive.com/post/207576

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