Two questions

UEMcGill · 2016-11-05T15:33:11+00:00

"I just don't feel sexy or attractive at all right now with you"

FTFY

, "I should make this clear, because I dont think I have. I want sex to be a part of our relationship. And I expect it. "

You can't negotiate desire. You're being a beta pussy trying to talk her into sex under the guise of setting expectations. So she answered you with bullshit, "make me feel sexy"

She's fat because of baby? Her problem. She doesn't feel sexy because she can't (won't) loose weight? Again, her problem.

Where are you at? That's the question. You messed around with that girl at the football game, like 2 weeks ago and now you're in here trying to sprinkle some alpha on it? Fuck dude.

You can't initiate a main event, sort of. You sort of had the fuck you or fuck me conversation but didn't.

I'll stick up for your wife a little on this one, she's tired, taking care of three kids and you're trying to negotiate pussy with her? Go stoic. Lead the older kids and get shit done. Once the new baby starts sleeping through the night and she gets her shit together, reassess and set expectations. You have a two month old, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. This shit doesn't happen overnight. You're going to make her psychotic with pushing her while she's post partum.

PurpleVeteran · 2016-11-05T16:28:28+00:00

"I just don't feel sexy or attractive at all right now".

Men want to be respected, women want to be desired.

For the first time in her life, at 34, she is really struggling to lose baby weight from our recent child. [...] I am the most attractive I have ever been in our relationship.

Do you see the problem? You're sprinting ahead, and she's stuck in an anxiety trap. Here, let J10 explain it.

Aside from getting more attractive myself, what do I do with this test from her? The old me would just commit to telling her I think she's pretty every day.

Let me assume that you still find your wife attractive. Don't just tell her that she's pretty. Acta, non verba. I mean, what's more genuine to you.... if she says "honey, your muscles are so big", or that she runs her hands down your shoulders and arms when you're alone?

My wife has serious body-image issues as well. Always has. She just doesn't have that classic HB figure, and she doesn't like the whole flirty girl game. But she's sweet, healthy, dresses nicely, and has very attractive features that just get my motor running. And I'm more than happy to chase her around the kitchen, grab her from behind and kiss her neck, and basically act like a horny teenager around her. Sure, I'd never done the 10-second-kiss or swatted her ass that much before RP, but kino and casual contact were the norm. She knows that I find her attractive, and I can see that it helps build her confidence -- in her body, and in our relationship.

In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least.

Is your journey about recapturing the power in your relationship? Does she need to be submissive to your advances so that you'll be RP? If so, then continue applying dread and keeping score. But it sounds to me like the dread is already working, her hamster is spinning, and she's up front about needing something from you.

Its easy to dismiss that when women talk about chores getting done or not feeling attractive, they want to box their men into being their beta provider. And even if he follows the script exactly, then they resent him for it. It's why TRP considers this all a big trap, and falls back to power plays to show that bitch who's really the boss.

Leadership shouldn't be about getting the sex whenever you want, pulling the right levers to make her wet (or at least desperate enough for your attention). It should be about you establishing a frame that invites her in and shows her that you value and desire her. Not saying "honey, I don't mind your saggy parts", but throwing her on the bed, kissing all of those imperfections, and letting her feel your boner against her leg. (edit - and she may still shoot you down, but at least she'll know your desire is genuine.)

It should be that, as you continue along your MAP, you hold your hand out to her and invite her along on the journey. This means taking her for a walk in evening as a way to unwind and catch up, as well as getting a little exercise. It means trying out new (healthier) recipes each week and getting her feedback. It's taking her out on the town some night, and encouraging her to dress up so that you both look great. It's signing up for dancing lessons, even though one or both of you are self-conscious. And it also means splitting up the chores sometimes when she gets behind -- "honey, you get the kitchen and dining room, and I catch up on the laundry and clean the bathroom".

Finally, we all identify ourselves by our relationships and our roles. She's a mother first, a wife second, a daughter, neighbor, etc. At one point, we were all happy to take on these roles, but over time, balancing the demands makes it more and more of a chore. When you tell her that, as your wife, she's not pulling her weight in the bedroom, you're only going to make it seem more of a chore when the time comes. We like to complain about boring starfish sex, but how many of us grumble and stomp around when our wives have to remind us to take care of our dirty socks or take the trash out.

It's not about doing shit you don't like; rather, it's about attitude. Many of us came here because of a dead bedroom, but that was only a symptom of the real problem -- that we'd become comfortable in our roles, complacent in our lives, and generally were coasting through our journey, and that our wives were a reflection of that. I can't blame my wife for firing up Mr Hitachi instead of coming to me with her needs, because I was content surfing porn and rubbing one out whenever she was tired, had a headache, or whatever the excuse. All of the complaints I had when I came here, and all of the covert contracts, were of my own making. I let the hard stuff slide, and sooner or later, so did my wife.

So, yes, you still have a role to play, and sometimes it means real work -- but it should also carry its own reward. Being a parent sucks sometimes, but there's no way I'd give it up. Being a husband and leading a family means taking on extra work and responsibility, which often goes unrewarded and unacknowledged -- and so does being a wife. She doesn't want you to compliment her when she does the dishes, or the dozen little things you don't see, but to reciprocate by doing (more than) your part without complaint. And to keep reminding her that, deep down, she's that teenage girl that gave you butterflies, and that the attraction is still real -- even with a few wrinkles and child birth scars.

BobbyPeru · 2016-11-05T16:33:12+00:00

Then briefly described that I want and expect for it to be frequent

You can't negotiate desire. Show, don't tell. Lift, work on yourself, improve your SMV. Be a leader, and maybe she will follow. Then maybe she will feel sexy again.

nonnimoose · 2016-11-05T16:40:51+00:00

"I just don't feel sexy or attractive at all right now".

"Maybe if you just told me you think I'm pretty more often".

Aside from getting more attractive myself, what do I do with this test from her? The old me would just commit to telling her I think she's pretty every day.

How did you respond? Did you let her comment just hang in the air while thinking, hmm, I've got to make myself even more attractive?

What would happen if your response to this kind of comment was to push through and let her know, with actions, not words, that you find her undeniably attractive?

ETA: Or maybe you don't find her attractive right now, but just need a receptacle and would rather have it be your wife than the woman you picked up at the football game the other day.

screechhater · 2016-11-06T12:37:41+00:00

Stop talking about sex. Stop talking about how much you want it.

I have three kids and after each check up for clearance for sex, my MIL got the kids.

1- make it a point to truly interact with the children as a father. Take them in the morning in weekends and let her seek you you out when she wakes up

1A- per my wife - there is nothing sexier than a shirtless father holding his baby or in shape father being engaged with his child. Wholly engaged. Where the child is in absolute heaven - fantasy land. (My wife has stripped me down many times after pool time or swing set time with the kids)

2- girls night out. Yes. Take the kids on a Thursday or whatever night and let her have fun, put them to bed. No calls to her

3- keep working out, dress well, lead in the home - budget, where is the next vacation like a condo right on the beach - taking the elevator right down to the sand Get the house cleaned well

4- yes grab her from behind, front hug and kiss her. Kiss her while she is holding a child. Tell her yes, I see you are working on your diet.

5- let this take some time each woman has a different temperament after birth. My brother in laws all asked my advice. - she just pushed out a bowling ball. Quit fucking obsessing.

Relax. Relax. Lead and whatever you do, don't talk about your demands in relation to sex. She is not stupid.

Your number one ally in all this is serious leadership in the house to make her feel confident and at this point, you aren't going to walk so soon after the birth. Dread at this stage can really do the damage. So chill the fuck out.

Whatever you may think - your attractiveness at this stage is boiling down to interaction with the children and when you are home you are focused on them. Ya, she gets attention like a woman.

If you are perceived at all like a third child, (demanding sex verbally) then you had better break that pattern today

redearththeory · 2016-11-05T16:04:45+00:00

I believe it is my responsibility to lead in this, but I also believe in the power and truth of the axioms above. How do I reconcile this?

That 2/3 rule applies to affection, communication and generosity in the relationship - the things she wants. It doesn't apply to things that are your job like initiating and leadership. It would not make any sense to initiate 2/3 of the amount she does or lead 2/3 of the amount she does.

I know the initial response here --- you're not attractive enough. Become more attractive, etc.

Correct. But this takes time. Keep working.

Willow-girl · 2016-11-05T23:22:34+00:00

The other night, I walked back in anlittle later and said, "I should make this clear, because I dont think I have. I want sex to be a part of our relationship. And I expect it. " Then briefly described that I want and expect for it to be frequent, fun, etc.

Hoo boy, I can't see how that approach could possibly fail!

Look, try to see beyond your own needs and look at things from your wife's perspective for a moment. She has (three?!) little kids hanging off her all day long, constantly needing stuff from her, and now she has a husband presenting her with HIS needs, too! See why she might be slightly less than enthusiastic about that?

WhiteTrashKiller · 2016-11-05T23:57:37+00:00

Her losing baby weight is as much your responsibilty as hers. You should control what food is brought into the house. Your poor leadership leaves her own abilities and choices in doubt. Make a meal plan for your family and stick to it. Cut out the extra breads, start with half your weight in (g) of carbs oer day. Rice ir biled potatoes are your best choices. Lean protein meats. She will drop the extra weight. If she chooses to fuck her diet up after that, then it is on her and withdraw accordingly.

SampsonBrass · 2016-11-05T15:43:32+00:00

I am the most attractive I have ever been in our relationship

I realize she has several years of bad experiences here to draw

There you go. What specific, concrete things have you done to lead, encourage, and facilitate her to get back in shape?

RP_SuitScholar · 2016-11-05T16:09:19+00:00

I think if you used more logic in your conversation it would win her to your way of seeing things...

You know, because women are logical.

Title	Two questions
Author	prarrott
Upvotes	0
Comments	16
Date	November 5, 2016 3:14 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5bacma/two_questions/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/two-questions.206914 https://theredarchive.com/post/206914

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