TL,DR: Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

Hi,

I started expressing a lot of "good beta" behavior towards my wife and kids and it feels great. I stopped fighting about money, I started taking care of kids, housing, all that stuff. Supporting my house, this is what I want.

I'm not sure if I do that from a position of "love" or, in fact, from a position of extreme egoism - I want to know, deep in my heart, that I did stuff the right way. I finally stopped with covert contracts. I do stuff and I feel okay. All by myself.

On the other hand, I don't feel too much attraction towards my wife.

On Friday, I realized, that I did a lot of things in my life because of my addiction to validation. Chances are, that my relationship with my wife was only to get this and only recently I actually grew up and realized the true nature of things (OYS post coming soon).

Wife knows I don't find her attractive. She asked me today if I love her. As a woman. As in 'sexual love'. Not as a child.

And here goes my question.

I don't find that this kind of love exists in my frame. I don't know I understand what is it.

I remember, that in the past I used to lust for women. There were times when I was infatuated with a woman. I understand "sexual lust". Only recently I started to understand my addictive need to validate myself and I can differentiate this craving from other feelings. I understand "bad beta".

I understand, I suppose, that what she meant was a comfort test. I failed it deliberately, because for the first time in my life I'm aligned with my emotions and for the greater good.

But, I started to wonder, what is that kind of "love" she meant for you? Did you ever felt such... thing? I'm not asking about "bluepill addiction", "chivalry", "m'lady"... Alphas of MRP - does such thing exist?