Hello,

PSA: This has turned out into a big rant of frustration on my part - I just feel the need to vent, maybe someone can comment with some insight as to why I feel this way and what I can do to turn it into something productive as right now I feel so debilitated.

Let me start off by saying I'm completely new to TRP, spend a few days reading The Rational Male, The Mystery Method and a podcast // books about PUA's in the Netherlands.

The most disheartening thing I've found is the amount of validation I can back all of these claims with.

I'll spare you most of my life story so far, suffice to say I've had ONEitis for a girl in my class for over 6 years back in high school, which wasn't even broken after catching her making out on two separate occasions with docuhebags only in it for a pump & dump. I still cannot believe it. My mind is trying so fucking hard to justify her irrational behavior. After all, this little beta was so compatible with her! I feel sick.

I'm still very inexperienced with woman, as an introverted geek who loved playing World of Warcraft for the better part of youth (actually do not regret that) I feel like iv'e got a lot of ground to make up for.

I have a massive aversion to nightclubs, bars and other loud, obnoxiously crowded areas full of people faking their enjoyment by being loud and trying to draw attention. More likely I'm just avert to these kind of places as I enjoy going to house parties and BBQ's with a smaller group of friends.

I realize I need to get the practice in, but I'm having a really hard time finding the motivation necessary to do so. If woman truly are as TRP lays bare before me, then what do I have to gain from this? What's the fucking point.

Having a vagina available for sexy times would be great and all but if that's it.. I have too little motivation to make such a drastic change in personality.. I've always held onto these socially constructed morals, 'do the right thing', 'be courteous', all the beta bull-crap feels like part of my core being, yet my rational mind is begging me to wise up, there's just too much evidence indicating women BS the shit out of you for their own benefit and get away with it unscathed, even proud of it. Such fucking vile behavior... I can't stand it. It disgusts me and I fear It'll be a long road for me to discard my 'nice guy' mantra that's been hampering my life. It FEELS to ingrained, my resentment for 'the douchebag' that cancerous selfish narcissistic entitled attitude engulfing them and their disregard for very real feelings someone may have. I don't want to be like that... Yet here are claims this is what women want, this is what gets you ahead in life, this is how you need to be... I don't know how to do this without conscious thought, my intuition always yields on the 'treat others like you would want to be treated yourself' - this goes against all those shit tests I've been reading about, it goes against all those harsh rebuttals, this fucking power game..

I still feel like approaching someone out of the blue would just be an interruption to their day, the rationale I tell myself is that I'm bothering them - regardless of reading the frame of 'you are worth it! They should be happy to be approached by you!'. It feels dis genuine, not me. I feel that people immediately feel the dissonance in my body language and actions.

How would I go about internalizing this? All these fucking mind games and points to be aware off, they do not flow naturally and it's putting me off. Practice? I feel too much discomfort to do so right now, let alone being put off so hard by the image I have of women I have accumulated over the years, with TRP as a cherry on top.

I do not enjoy this manipulative 'overlord' behavior. I do not enjoy putting myself first, the one thing I was prepared to sacrifice for, love, is now ripped away from me and revealed as nothing more than a fucking lie.

How does anyone develop the desire to start working out, putting all this fucking effort in, for some unintelligible chick waiting for the next a pump & dump only to settle down later in life with an AFC who, instead of spend his time running around on threadmills, instead of faking his enjoyment of his 14th beer in a bar he'd rather not be in but feels compelled to enter for the sake of attracting a vagina, spends his time working on a career. It just seems so much more worthwhile, but my basics needs are just not met right now. I feel the need to be loved, to have someone care about me, to wake up next to them and hold them close till late in the afternoon... This just seems out of reach now - first the attraction of women part, now the idea of love..

Sorry for the rant. I guess I'm just looking for a bit of insight as to why women would be worthy of all of this in the end. I have not had the chance of even feeling the illusion I had of love, and now that illusion is dispelled for me, no way to go back, but I don't feel like i want to be an alpha, yet the entire rationale clicks and there's good reason to be one.. Naturals have it easy, I'm envious of them.