As I'm writing this I feel very unhappy. I am in fact miserable. I don't like myself. I was having something akin to a panic attack because I yet again was reminded of my boring character. For real, I felt that cold feeling in my chest, for the first time this strong. For the first time I felt so much dissappoitement and fear at the same time.. I was truley scared.

I'm scared because what I want and what I am are seemingly diffferent things. I'm always that guy that doesn't fit in any group. I see how I'm just an observer in most social situations.. round me there is something like an field which stop most conversations. I see people at work or parties, intracting with one another, this whole social dynamic, in which I'm not part of, and it makes me very sad. I've never been a true outcast but at the same time I've never been the heart of any group. My presense is more like a weak constasnt, always there but weak.

I don't want to be like that. I feel how I'm becoming bitter and unhappy and I'm only in my twenties. I don't want to be that insecure loser which had so much potential but wasted it. I don't want to become 60 years old and look with regret at how my life went.

Today was an emotional rollercoaster for me which was triggered by a simple situation in which I was yet again an observer. I didn't know what to say to attract the atttenion of the group. And even when I say something its more like a thing to remind I was there. I don't know If I'm socially inept or what.. My one on one conversation is decent but in a social group I'm like a ghost.

It's hard for me to connect with people. I need help in becoming more inetersting to be around. I want people to want to be around me and to want to communicate with me. I'm introverted and shy.. but I want to live a bold extrovert.