I watched it all fall apart.

I was told to check out this page, regarding my situation. It's a long story, so if you don't have the patience for it, it is understood.

So there was this one girl. Truly amazing. We were great friends, did a bunch of fun stuff all the time, great friends for like 7 years. At various points in the latter 2 of those years, we had random hook ups but never really "went for it" for a bunch of reasons. Well, 3 years ago, things finally fell into place and we got together. it was a truly wonderful thing. not your basic "new romance" type stuff, well...there was, but it was just like this whole new level of understanding, great memories, fighting past fears and worries and just building a love that was already there, into something that felt like it couldn't be touched. Fast forward about 5 months into the relationship, she's pregnant. We stuck it out, our relationship grew and grew and a wonderful little boy was born.

For a while things were going really well. Of course, there was arguing, fatigue, just overall feelings of "I need out" once in awhile, but we show so much love and support to our child, who is truly amazing and lights up my world. Things were going extremely well. Then things started to shift a little over a year ago.

At that time, we started having issues with my work and I was being forced into some crazy hours. May 2015, I would usually be pulling a 40 hr workweek, 6:30 - 3, mon - fri. All good. Then we started working 6:30 - 5 all week, and very often not given proper warning of Saturday 8 hr shifts as well. This fractured my time and ability at home. She also works as a server, she was able to set it up so she would work nights and weekends. So my basic days became wake up, go to work, come home, see her for all of 10 seconds before she goes to work, play with kid, he goes to sleep, I stay up for a bit, then go to sleep not long after or before she usually got home, repeat. I had no outlet or time to do stuff that keeps my head straight. It was also getting to a point when there was no time with my girlfriend. For a few months there, we were doing our damnedest to find time for each other, just us. But it was difficult. baby sitter's weren't too close and weren't willing to come to us most of the time, my insane unpredictable work schedule, her work schedule, it was a mess. arguing got worse, tensions rose. I was sliding away and didn't realize it. Then her behavior changed. There was a night (October 2015) when she told me she was goin out after work for a couple drinks with co-workers, ok cool. momma's gotta get her time too. 2:30 am rolls around, I jolt awake, and I notice she still isn't home...I text askin where she is, in obvious drunk texting she says she's on the way in. In my head, I'm like ok, you do know kiddo wakes up by 8 am right? But I let it roll. So then it happened again next week. But she didn't tell me she was goin out this time. Jolt awake again at 2:30ish am, same deal as previous week. I told her the next day I wasn't a huge fan of her doing that for my son's sake. she told me it was all fine, she knows what she's doing. ...ok. So this pattern continued for awhile, I'm still doing the insane work hours, never get to see her, etc. All the while, I'm not getting out. I don't see my friends, I don't do anything, I'm basically playing housewife. work, home, kid, girlfriend never around and choosing to hang out at the bar till it shuts down with co-workers and friends once a week, maybe twice. It was affecting me bad and I couldn't see it. it was to the point, where a lot of nights, my head is just screaming that I need to get out, but I couldn't because of the long day ahead, and that girlfriend is at work (or drinking). So fast forward to tail end of December 2015, it's just after Christmas, right before new years. She wants to break up with me because "we're drifting apart". ...it hit me really hard. She thought I felt the same way about everything. newsflash I didn't. I still had all the love in the world for her. she's my best friend, my lover, mother of my child, and treated me great, and I tried to do and be the same for her in my own aspect. we argued and argued, and ultimately agreed to do a trial separation. This last for about 3 cold, uncommunicative weeks. I was trying so hard to work it out. I was so confused as to how I pushed this woman who has been by my side for 10 years, away. But, after a few weeks, we "got back together"...but her behavior was extremely shut out from me. She didn't talk to me the same way, she did her best to exclude me from photos, and then she started going out with co workers more. I'm still on crazy work hours, so I'm still struggling with demons that slowly overtook me. So then it's march 2016. No easy way getting into this, but mid-coitus she referred to me by a co-worker of her's she had mentioned a good bit. she said she was pretty drunk. So, I pulled a dick move and saw where she had been texting that guy while on her way home. Long story short, they both headed out, he was asking how the lap dances went, and she was trying to force him to meet her at 2 am at a shut down gas station. he didn't want to, but she kept pushing it. I woke her up and we fought and fought. My depression then turned into a jealous paranoia. She had invited another guy to the house while I was at work, which I addressed as well. A lot of what I was doing was overbearing and jealous behavior. There became more fighting than loving. It was about early april 2016, she got home late again, when I went to go to work, I noticed her car was at the very edge of the driveway pointed outward (it's a big driveway, she always parked near the door, frontend pointed at the house). I got curious, looked in, found the dude's (who she was texting about meeting her at 2 am) cell phone, sunglasses, and keys strewn about the car. She said he was really drunk and doesn't why all the stuff was thrown around. I let it go. A week later, I called her out for finding out she lied to me about that conversation, then I got the cold shoulder for a week and she finally broke up with me. Up to that point, her issue with staying out became a thing that was happening 2 - 5 times a week. I had no outlet, I was depressed, stir crazy, things I loved I couldn't do, she refused to make time for us or talk to me too much, and I wanted to die. this was april 20, 2016. I moved out that day.

So the next week...my crazy work hours finally got back to regular work hours. The break up was not easy. Lots of fighting, name calling, arguing. After awhile it calmed down. About a month ago, I flat out said "I wanted to work this out". we had discussed where the issues were. I wasn't myself and she thought we drifted away (and didn't wanna work it out). Since the break up, she has been stoic, cold, distant, and rude to me. She's a person who is always willing to help, always does everything she can for anyone, always tells people "yes"...except me. I became the only person she would yell at, say no to, and refuse to help. "you figure it out" I heard much. Some major stuff happened a couple days ago, and I was seriously on the verge of suicide. I had a noose tied, notes written out, I went to see my son and gave him a big hug, telling him I failed him (which I had) that I loved him and that he'll be better off seeing as he wont have to see mom and dad fighting anymore. I told her, "it may not matter, but I still love you with everything I got". So then I'm sitting in a parking lot. My mind is blank and my eyes are just gushing with tears. I laid my head on the steering wheel and all I felt was pain, emotionally. I eventually decided not to do anything as it was my son's birthday party the next day and I wanted to see that genuine smile again. but the thought is still there and strong. I have completely destroyed how my best friend views me, I have lost all the love from the person who in all my 30 years, I have cared about the most. I lost my soulmate and my will to live because I can't make her happy. I want to know so much. can I help her to see I'm back to being my old self, the guy she fell in love with? will this pain ever go away? why is she so callous to me now? what really happened? I am very close to just ending it. I love my son, but I know he's better off without me if all that's gonna happen is this emotional hell his mom and I put each other through.