Insecurity about not being her first option - any advice?

Glowv2 · 2018-11-02T15:55:55+00:00

Sounds to me like you only have one at a time , and In that case , she is NOT a plate.

SirKolbath · 2018-11-02T16:02:23+00:00

It’s dangerous to go alone. Here. Take this.

Psychological_Radish · 2018-11-02T19:06:51+00:00

Look on the bright side: you're nailing her with no commitment or expectations. You're a winner, guy. If she really is hot as you claim, then you're already in the top echelon of men on planet Earth who have the privilege of sex with beautiful women.

That you aren't her top prospect isn't a major concern. This is like a guy with $500 million complaining that he doesn't have $1 billion. Who knows, maybe you're the short-term Alpha and this other guy is her Beta Bucks. If she thinks she can do better than you, let her. Why would you want a relationship with a chick who doesn't think you're the shit?

From what I gather in the comments, your issue really comes down to is inability to find another plate hotter than her. You've tasted filet mignon and now you can't go back to eating hamburgers. You fear she is a one-off, a fluke never to be repeated. I get it. We've all been there.

Let's say she was a 1/100 Tinder match event. Statistically, you should find ten more of her over 1000 matches. The key is self-improvement so you have more chances to replace her. That's what abundance is all about. Otherwise, it may be awhile before you find someone as good, and you will wallow in misery for a very long time.

This is one of those irrational fears that can't be reasoned away. You really have to experience abundance in order to 'get it.' Until then, you're probably going to be in for more pain and frustration. That's normal. What separates the men from the boys who never get over ONEitis is how they confront losing a great girl.

Kamiwari727 · 2018-11-02T16:27:56+00:00

Yes, it's completely normal. Don't get discouraged just because you are not on the level of the top-ranked posters here.

Here are the ways that had helped me break free from oneitis:

1) Accept those feelings. Don't try to deny them. Picture your relationship and follow it to its logical conclusion in your mind. Your vision is too narrow. You have to widen it.

2) Tell yourself that you are going through NRE ("New Relationship Energy") right now. It's very powerful. In my experience, after NRE passes - you can sense it nearing the end - you can then see whether this particular girl was quality material, meaning that she stays with you even after all the amazing feelings are gone.

3) You can always next her if you feel that your loss of power in the relationship is too great.

4) Do affirmations in the vein of "There are X number of girls in my town who are hotter, smarter, more fun, more amazing in every way than her [insert the name of your Unicorn]. All I have to do is go and find them." (This helped me a tremendously when I was going through oneitisy feelings).

5) Just know the barrier between feeling your feelings inside you and the actions that are motivated by oneitis. Then, keep watch so that you don't pass the barrier.

LOLCanadianNeighbor · 2018-11-02T18:42:12+00:00

I see that you have read a lot, but what about practicing to apply what you read about? Just reading something makes you feel good since you have the answers now, but it takes time to try to apply what you learned in real situations. And to Gmail experience with that, you will mess up a lot. As long as you learn from those situations, nothing is lost.

Musicgoon · 2018-11-02T19:41:01+00:00

It's hard to rember sometimes that no matter how good a plate is, there are many more out there even better.

Don't let anyone bullshit you. Even older guys like me will take a shining to a girl. Then jealousy can set in. That's just your ego tripping you up.

If she's still fucking you, don't worry about what she does otherwise. I had a plate that I thought was the shit a few years ago. She started making demands and I wouldn't hear it. So she just up and ghosted. I was hurt, but I found some other girls that were just as amazing. Plates can be replaced if they break. It's hard to see when you're in the middle of it.

Keep pushing. And if it gets too much. Soft next her for a week and focus on some new prospects.

RRBeachFG2 · 2018-11-02T23:04:44+00:00

She doesn't give a fuck about you (that should help)

effyouasshole · 2018-11-02T16:19:48+00:00

Not only do you have oneitis, but you're stalking her too. Your move is to regain control of yourself by hard-nexting her.

Work on your mission, and game other women. Fix the weakness inside you that lead to this desperation in the first place.

leftajar · 2018-11-02T20:15:32+00:00

I... get a little bit Genghis Khan... don't want you to get it on... with nobody else but me... (ooo-wie-ooo!)

So yeah, dudes get territorial, and the solution to this is to have multiple women.

Remember the old Book of Pook adage: "More than one, or none... but NEVER one."

Revoc123 · 2018-11-02T20:27:38+00:00

Dude I can relate because I am currently nuts! Allow me to see your absurdity and raise you an absurd amount of stupid! I am 44 I was seeing this 31 yr old plate with natural DD's skinny waist beautiful smile and perfect hair a dream come true. All my other plates fell by the wayside... then she took a job in Spain... I video text with her, sext, and think about her all day every day. There is a girl on my couch who I fucked 2x this morning a 6 compared to my 9 in Spain. I am totally in love and its fucking retarded!

W_O_M_B_A_T · 2018-11-02T17:02:25+00:00

What is she your mom? You worried she's going to ignore you and pay attention to your punk-ass older brother?

Stop treating her like your mom.

red_matrix · 2018-11-02T20:18:43+00:00

Get the hell off social media.

Read the Book of Pook!

throwasktrp · 2018-11-09T20:23:24+00:00

I was in this exact situation for a few months. It's ultimately an ego/insecurity problem combined with a severe case of oneitis. You need to realize that this whole "first option" business is completely subjective. First option for what? Validation? Emotional support? In both cases she would be spending more time with him than you. You're getting the same thing that he gets (sex) except you don't have to deal with her bullshit (I'm assuming). Trust me man, I met the "first option" guy I had been obsessing about for weeks on end. I pictured him to be some giga-chad but he basically sucked me off the whole night when he found out I'm also fucking her. Absolute beta. Just like in my case, all these assumptions you're making are dumb.

That being said, the only solution is for you to remove yourself from this situation as fast as possible. It sounds like you are causing yourself some damage to your mental well-being. Arrange one last meetup, fuck her like it's your last day on Earth, and delete her contact from your phone. Forget about her, she doesn't exist. No contact.

Zanford · 2018-11-02T23:37:05+00:00

But with “this one girl” (oneitis), I get jealous knowing she’s seeing someone else.

Is she CURRENTLY seeing him? It's not clear here. That sounds like she is.

I don't cross swords. Insta-chuck if she's seeing someone else.

In any case, you have full blown oneitis. You need to stop giving a shit or seeing her as more than a fling. If you can't do that, you need to cold turkey leave her entirely.

Also you said 'favorite plate' but do you actually have other plates?

Title	Insecurity about not being her first option - any advice?
Author	bluefingerblue
Upvotes	32
Comments	46
Date	November 2, 2018 3:53 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/9tlb7z/insecurity_about_not_being_her_first_option_any/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/insecurity-about-not-being-her-first-option-any.53637 https://theredarchive.com/post/53637

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