TL:DR Kinda ranting. Feel like I'm aware of my SMV, but I'm obsessed with a dumb bitch who doesn't deserve me.

I need help with a situation and don't want to bother real-life friends about this, and even less women that I know, so I hope TRP can help.

It's embarrassing as I'm an endorsed contributor on TRP. I know I'm a dude with strong SMV.

I broke up with a girl in January after 9 months. I live in NYC. Within days of the breakup, I banged a high-level model on Tinder, told her to fuck off when she spied on my FB and gave me some bullshit over pics of girls there, spun 3 plates over 3 months. I've fucked a moderately-known actress, and as I mentioned in a recent post, was asked out by a former girlfriend of Jim Carrey. I have a rooftop apartment in a very good New York neighborhood and an apartment in a European capital. I started with nothing, worked hard to advance in cinema, a very competitive field, and I feel like I operate on a high level. Besides all that "success" bullshit, I think I'm smart, interesting, well-traveled, and I'm 6'4". Body could be more perfected, but I'm in pretty good shape.

Soooo... Why am I totally obsessed with the gf I happily broke up with in January? Long story short, she was HB8.5 but her shit-tests were too over the top. She described in detail guys she used to fuck. (I think she thought she was flirting) I ignored. I ignored. She continued. I threatened to break up with her. She stopped talking about her exes, but got extremely jealous and would accuse me of staring at girls' tits left and right. I'd already been reading RP for a year at this point. I thought I was handling shit right.

We were doing LDR. I spent half the time in NYC, and half with her in the European city where I came not just for her, but had friends from having lived there for 10+ years.

On one period back in the States, I hooked up with an ex who begged for the D. A moral mistake, I admit. But it made me realize, I actually liked my gf, our sex life, and the way we could mesh our lives and work together. So I decided, after this cheating episode, I could happily be faithful, despite some imperfections. Unfortunately, my gf went through my emails the next time I saw her and discovered the cheating, though without enough info to prove it.

I was simultaneously infuriated that she would do this deal-breaker, but extremely guilty for what I've done. Maybe my conscience is not fully RP. Maybe I'm just too sensitive/moralistic.

I denied. Claimed I spent a couple days with the ex in town but didn't sleep with her. The email was one sentence. It proved nothing.

Gf cut contact while she thought about what to do. 2 weeks later, she said she didn't want to see me any more. I said ok. Fine, I can move on.

She asked me to come back into her life a week later. I said, ok. Let's forget all that bullshit and restart, stronger than before.

It went well for 2 months. Her jealousy built and built. For the next 2 months, the bullshit was unsupportable. I broke up with her. She freaked.

Cut to: spinning plates, u/nyrp's life is happy.

I heard from the ex here and there. Some decent, some fighting. I didn't give much of a shit. Not even enough of a shit to tell her to fuck off. At one point, she even offered that she'd come to NYC to look for work and she would stay with me and I could fuck her.

The real TRP advice is I should have never talked to her again after the breakup. You're........probably right.

Anyway, 2 months after the breakup, she messages me to tell me she fucked a new guy, they're together, he's rich, and he's better in bed than me. I discussed this on TRP. Naturally, and I agree, nobody believed this was true. If he was really that great, she would not have bothered telling me about it. And even moreso, when I said, cool, we're really done talking now, and stopped responding to anything she wrote, she flipped her shit 200%. Sent angry, vulgar messages. Called me every name.

It was all fine. I stopped responding to anything and spun my plates left and right.

And then... about 2 weeks later, I got a huge obsession with her. Not oneitis, I don't think, because I had no illusion that she was the girl for me, nor that I wanted to get back with her. Just obsessive, circular thinking about her. Sometimes missing her, sometimes angry. Desperately looking her up on Instagram just to know what she was up to. Not interested in whether she was in a relationship. Seriously. Just wanted to know what she was thinking.

It's insaaaaaanely stuuuupid I'm well aware and if I could stop it I would. I maintained my gym schedule. Work was still going well. One plate left the country. One I decided to drop for too much drama. Picked up one new one. Whatever. I had other things going on. But she was, and still is, deep inside my head!!!

Even writing this, it is a relief, because I'm getting my stupid thoughts out instead of checking her newest Instagram photo to see who liked it every 2 minutes.

I couldn't be more stupid. Thankfully, despite all this stupidity on my part, since the day 3 months ago that I said I don't want to talk to her any more, I haven't. I haven't asked our mutual friends about her. She has no way to think that I've thought about her in 3 months.

But I'm writing up this rant to AskTRP, because I'm in this European city where she is, and I'm about one glass of wine away from asking her to meet up with me.

Help! Any analysis or motivation would be appreciated. I find it totally irrational that I feel I am at a point where I could get nearly any girl I wanted if I put my mind to it, but I'm obsessed with a girl I don't want. Is it guilt? Do I feel bad about the cheating? Is it just a psychological condition of not feeling ok with the lack of peace/closure (which I know TRP says you should not seek)?

UPDATE: Thanks everyone, so far. I've gone from nearly contacting her to losing all desire to do so. For now at least. I hope more time will help.