Too harsh?

stillah · 2017-11-14T17:11:17+00:00

you talk too much.

htbf · 2017-11-14T16:11:16+00:00

It's not "too harsh" but it's "too serious".

Girls just wanna have fun. At the end of the day,you could have dialed your respect for her a little bit down every time she flakes but keep the door open. At one point, she'd get less flaky (or not) and you'd have won a plate (and you would have know that she's not LTR material, so win win).

Call her some time and see if you can reignite something in A COCKY AND FUNNY way. You really have to stop with the explanations and argumentation, it's boring to read, it's pussy drying, it's just annoying all over the board for everyone involved.

redhawkes · 2017-11-14T17:50:23+00:00

I matched on Tinder with a HB9 (boy, this chick was GORGEOUS)

Oneitis for tinder slut.

well, my time is important to me, and I don't like people breaking commitments on me, we talked about this. It's been 3 times you break a commitment on me

This reeks of desperation and neediness. Also cut the deering.

Internalize the sidebar and ghost her. The medium is the message, have some self respect dude.

Next time when you match some tinder hoe, text for logistics only.

BestSC86 · 2017-11-14T17:55:05+00:00

Was it really that big a fucking deal that she wouldn't COMMIT this early in your relationship with her? I mean you just dropped into her already busy life and she was just starting to feel out what type of dude you were.

This isn't high school where people have nothing else really going on in their lives except for finding the next dick to ride....she flaked because of WORK and flaked because she was SICK, yet you treated like she disrespected you completely by these actions. What exactly did you expect her to do for you the new random dude in her life...skip work and come out sick? Please.

You and she are obviously not a match...she is a spontaneous person who goes with the flow while you are frankly more controlling and demanding for what she wants. You would never be happy with each other because of the mismatched views of dating.

So it is best that she ended it....

If you wanted to fuck her she was likely still down until you went the hardcore lecture because that completely set off her run from this controlling asshole(in her mind) dude buzzer.

Find another girl who is more disciplined and will follow your guidelines...but I am betting that you are going to have to ease off with being so controlling this early in meeting girls. You are a new random dude who dropped into their busy lives, don't have unrealistic expectations of them dropping work or coming out to see you when not feeling well.

UnluckyPenguin · 2017-11-14T20:40:18+00:00

You really need some guidance.

Summary of your post + comments:

I matched on Tinder with a HB9 (boy, this chick was GORGEOUS), did number close on only a few messages and it was on!

No, no it wasn't. Congratulations on getting her number, but anything short of an F-close means absolutely nothing.

She started sending me pics, we started texting and I asked her out for lunch out of the blue Wednesday for the next day which she said yes. Thursday comes around, I text: "11:30 at X cafe, sounds like a plan?" Her response "Oh crap! I have a work lunch blah blah blah, I can't make it"

You should ghost her after this unless she seeks you out.

So, ok... I keep my cool, and set up drinks for Saturday night.

No, you've gone too far. You can only give them one chance. Have an abundance mentality - There are women out there that are more gorgeous and have better manners. Ghost that girl.

She agrees, I told her "Pick you up at 7:30, I got a great spot you'll like" and she says yes to it. Saturday morning I get a text "I feel like poop, my throat hurts, I'm going to rest and hopefully I see you tonight" we text a few times, final result... she stayed home, and broke date #2.

She didn't break anything, she met expectations. You need to plan on doing something that you like, and go do that whether the girl shows up or not.

One of my texts was "I find extremely attractive women that stick to a commitment, makes me respect them" and she agreed. I was setting a boundary in a playful manner. So, Sunday rolls around, she texts me "hey, I'm in X sports bar" why don't you come and meet me for a beer? I say OK, and head that way. I had to work, so I couldn't stay too long, but this chick is all over me, we start making out within 20 minutes of meeting each other, the afternoon went great!

Congratulations.

and I told her... hey, I'm pretty busy this week, but I'd like to see you Wednesday for dinner and a drink. She said "I don't have plans, let's do it!" and I leave.

Please... Please... Stop making everything revolve around her. Make plans to go out for dinner and a drink with your friends or anything really, but don't let her control the narrative. You're going to have fun regardless of her attendance. Like maybe tell her you're going out clubbing, hopefully you'll meet some fun people and hopefully she can tag along or else you might end up taking home someone else for the night.

We talked yesterday for a bit, I told her about a surf trip I'm taking this weekend and she's fascinated about it. I texted her this AM "Tomorrow, pick you up at 7, I know this spot that makes some amazing sangrias. Sound like a plan?"

Don't pick her up. The girl always needs to be more interested in you than you are in her. Also, it feels like you're making plans after plans to meet up. Wait a while and see if she reciprocates on making plans.

her: "I love how you take charge, but I have plans tomorrow, me and my friend are going to a wine tasting event" her: "but I can do Thursday" me: "oh, wow... I thought we talked about this, I work Thursday"

Like I already said somewhere in this thread:

I could elaborate for you. Texting is only for logistics. Example:

You: I am going to this place at this time. You're welcome to join me.
Her: Can't make it, but I can do next week.

*

If she doesn't take the initiative of contacting you after she declined your invitation to plan something, then she's either not interested in you - Or if she is interested in you, then she expects to be treated like daddy's helpless little princess, which is a big red flag.

--at this point I was already expecting this for some reason--- her: "charge it to my brain, not my heart" me: "well, my time is important to me, and I don't like people breaking commitments on me, we talked about this. It's been 3 times you break a commitment on me (work was a freebie, getting sick was a freebie) Maybe we do this some other time" Her: "well, if you're going to be that unreasonable maybe it's best we part ways. Have fun in your trip, it was nice talking to you" Me: "Not unreasonable.... I want to give you my time, but I can't seem to get you to commit. Last chance I have is Friday, you up for it?" ---I know this one was weak, I should have stuck to my guns--- her: "no, thank you" Me: "OK" So.... thoughts?

You completely lost your frame here. Hold your frame. You don't care. You care about her less than she cares about you.

Also, you're not married. She's not even your girlfriend. So what if she breaks her word or her 'commitment'? Did you even confirm you two were being exclusive? Be thankful that a red flag girl like that filtered herself out of your life so easily, and move onto the next one. Be honest with yourself.

Never tell a girl something 'I want to give you my time', it comes off as complete beta-provider. Also, never seek out commitment. You want to get laid. Women are biologically programmed to seek out commitment or an established relationship, and if she doesn't do that, then that's a red flag.

You don't give a girl a 'last chance', you don't even give her a second chance. You only give women one chance. She's not your friend or your best friend who you can forgive. She's just meant to be an addition to your life, not a hole or void that needs filling - so if she's not making you happy, then it's over.

I hope you can see things more clearly now. I'm happily married with two kids (don't ever get married) and my life is awesome outside of that too, and when I was younger, I was trained my friends how to pick up women. Let me know if you have any other questions.

BrodinsOats · 2017-11-14T18:03:37+00:00

These flakes are shit tests and you're failing magnificently. You're playing into her frame every time.

After the first flake you should tell her that you have a two-strike policy on flaking either when setting up the second date or when she flakes on the second date.

She would've been on my shitlist as soon as she replied "Oh crap!" the first time around. Like she didn't even remember.

After that Saturday morning text I would've just told her "oh that's cool rest up, I actually wanted to go do such-and-such so that works out." And then radio silence.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2017-11-15T10:09:55+00:00

She gets offered dick 25 times an hour. She was fine using you as a place holder until a better offer came along, and then she'd drop you. The lectures about "commitments' made you sound like a needy version of her dad, and let her flip the script on you about you being "unreasonable" when it's her not keeping her end of the deal.

You never had a shot with her, even though you really wanted to, because she was an "HB9 Tinderella" (read: HB6).

Verdict: You have low-grade one-itis. Move on. She already has.

DubbleFUPAwitCheez · 2017-11-14T21:35:01+00:00

This is a form of girl rejection. I doubt she's so stupid that she forgot what you said, either about the boundary or working that day she suggested. I had a girl propose a date at 3 PM on a Friday once even though she knew I had a grown up job and that's a nonsense time for a date, period.

Arranging meets at ridiculous times is a way for them to paint themselves as just getting rid of a needy guy when they, "reasonably", say it's ridiculous.

You shoulda ghosted. Or used Thursday to try to flip the script - bail on her. You needed to make her chase you.

smirk_addict · 2017-11-14T22:38:49+00:00

Great advice on this. OP I've made similar mistakes. Sometimes I just call the girl. It's probably worked about 70% of the time when girls have flaked. That is if they answer the phone. If they don't and never call me back, delete.

Btw, when she made plans with a friend over you? Shit should've been done man. I would've deleted and then blocked her number immediately. Who turns down a fucking date to go drink shitty ass wine and get white girl wasted. While I can understand the urge to tell her off, it's the absolute worst thing to do.

mrpthrowa · 2017-11-14T16:59:46+00:00

Should've ghosted after the second flake.

She already has options dude. Move on.

Occams_Stubble · 2017-11-14T20:20:06+00:00

You sounded butt hurt.

SuperCrazy07 · 2017-11-14T20:39:05+00:00

She's not that into you. She only actually meets you when she has nothing else going on and you meet on her terms. The rest of the time you're some sort of backup/afterthought.

I guess that's fine for a short fling if you don't really care...but you clearly care a lot.

Lecturing a girl who has no investment and low interest in you to respect your time and honor her commitments isn't going to work.

Your only options are to be super spontaneous and go with the flow and maybe get laid if she's super slutty or next her. Well, your only option is to next her because you aren't chill with being flexible.

theincrediblesreddit · 2017-11-14T20:53:07+00:00

I always give girls two chances, nothing more.

CharruaNative · 2017-11-14T21:57:00+00:00

You sound ridiculous in your responses. That’s not how people make plans together- you’re trying so hard to be alpha and respected. All your responses to the flakes should have been “ok no worries”

LordThunderbolt · 2017-11-14T22:47:38+00:00

Too much talking "my time is precious blah blah blah". If your time was precious you would've cut contact the moment she flaked on date 1 and didn't reschedule. Learn this: Never acknowledge a chick who flakes on a date but doesn't offer an alternative. It's not your job to chase after anyone. When a chick is interested, she will bend time and space to hang out with you. Wishy washy "In sick/oh I forgot I have work/sorry I just got this message" bullshit is automatic next. If she doesn't offer an alternative she doesn't want to see you. That's your cue to delete her number and text thread, and move on.

Xhaka-Laca · 2017-11-15T06:10:02+00:00

Something similar happened to me this weekend. Girl agreed to a time and place for us to meet up. When I hit her up prior she said her friend was in town so she couldn’t make it. My response was: K (Just respond with the letter K, nothing more, no punctuation, nothing).

10mins later she calls me “ apologizing and saying it was rude of her to flake through a text message and explaining the unexpected situation that came up. She suggested meeting the following day, which we did.

All this was a result of one letter: “K”. Not even a full sentence. She doesn’t deserve a full sentence. If she hadn’t responded I would have nexted her.

Bear-With-Bit · 2017-11-15T08:55:41+00:00

If you made out, the next meeting is at her or your place. "I'll be home cooking a nice meal Wednesday. Let me know if you're coming. Bring wine." End of story.

Nomfwic · 2017-11-14T19:51:13+00:00

The last couple of messages you sounded a bit butthurt to be honest.

She did have a number of excuses tho... might have wanted to turn you into an obiter... next her.

Title	Too harsh?
Author	Steve_O--
Upvotes	8
Comments	40
Date	November 14, 2017 3:55 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/7cwhv9/too_harsh/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/too-harsh.118292 https://theredarchive.com/post/118292

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