Hi all.

I made some threads around a month ago about being a mid-20s, (presumedly, somewhat) high-SMV kissless virgin. Those threads (see my thread history) provide all of the background information regarding myself and my situation.

Soon after posting those threads, I started experiencing deep depression. I think it was the fact that I had to face a reality that I had suppressed for a very long time, until it finally grew to become so inescapable that my mind couldn't suppress it anymore. My mental models started breaking-down, and I begun seriously questioning myself and what I'd done with my life. All of the background information is in those threads.

Soon after my depression started, I became suicidal. I stopped caring about my academic work (I'm conducting advanced research in a STEM field and completing an advanced degree; again, read my previous thread for background information); in fact, I stopped caring about life in general. It seemed to me that I had devoted my life to, and had done so well in, all aspects of life (excluding women) - and in all of the ways TRP advocates (again, excluding women) - but had failed catastrophically in a critical aspect of it. I (absurdly) became, and am, if I'm being honest, still convinced that I am cursed, or that the universe is against me, or some other similarly preposterous idea. I know it's ridiculous, but my mind is convinced that it is true; it's as if it's the only way it can reconcile my situation with women with my success in other aspects of my life. I feel like there is no way out; I've been backed into a corner, and I'm doomed no matter what.

Anyway, in my previous threads I wrote about being an accomplished athlete (in addition to being accomplished in the academic realm), that I do a lot of martial arts and combat sports, and that I received a rare offer to join my fight club's MMA competition team. Given that my depression had led me to feel like I had nothing to lose anymore, and that, on some level, I just want my life to end, I contacted them and accepted their offer.

For the past month, I've been almost totally preoccupied with my training (which added to an already "full" schedule; see my discussion of my schedule in the previous thread). The best way that I can describe it is that it's like a drug: When I'm in the gym, training whatever, all of the pain disappears. Despite the fact that my mental state completely deteriorated, and I'm in this terrible, deep depression, there's something empowering about it: I don't care about anything anymore, because I'm convinced that my life is fucked no matter what I possibly do - that it's unavoidable - and so nothing matters anymore; I think about the possible risks - of what could happen to me in the cage - and I just don't care - as If I'm numb; in fact, on some level, I welcome the idea of getting KOed so hard that I don't wake up afterwards - that the entire fucked up thing just ends. It's only when I'm out of the gym and not training that the pain starts again.

Anyway, I know people will likely recommend two things:

  1. See a shrink;
  2. Get a hooker.

I will do neither. I will never see a psychologist/psychiatrist, for a multitude of reasons that can be summarized by saying that psychologists/psychiatrists are bullshit and don't know what they're talking about. And I will never get a hooker, because the sex act itself is not the issue; it's the genuine desire - the ability to "get (attract) women" - that's the issue - and a hooker would just exacerbate my mental problems.

I look around me, or talk with people, and I see or hear about (what I perceive as) all kinds of low (or lowER) SMV guys with beautiful women who often have genuine desire for them. These guys are getting laid regularly and have been for many years. I've done the fucking work - work that most men haven't done and will never do - but it has gotten me nowhere, and this - this fact above all - absolutely kills me inside; it kills me inside and drives me deeper into the mental hole that i'm in. I can and do use this as mental fuel (as I mentioned in my previous thread), for which it works well, but this just repeats the cycle that has characterized a critical part of my life: I use it as fuel to become more and more "successful" in all realms - mental/physical, academic/athletic, etc., and when it fails to improve that one aspect of my life, despite the high level of success I've obtained, it drives me deeper into depression, because I end up feeling more powerless and helpless, and I just keep repeating the cycle.

I'm honestly not even sure what question I should be asking anymore. My mind is in a really bad place - far worse than it was a month ago when I made those threads - and I've thrown myself into something I love - fighting - to try to counterbalance and numb the pain. What are the questions I should be asking here? What should I be doing? I've fought - for every inch - and won in every other realm of my life, so how do I fight in this realm? I honestly think that TRP provides the most accurate mental model of the world today, and I think that you guys on TRP are therefore some of the best positioned to help me - certainly better positioned than a shrink.