Is it just the intention behind it? For example, let's say you say something that you didn't realize hurt someone until they mentioned it, but you also don't find that what you did was wrong. They just happened to be hurt by it. Couldn't you frame the reality of the situation in a way to ease tension and de-escalate and make them feel better without having to say sorry? I've seen it happen in the sense of when someone says something like "that's weird" or "why did you say that" or "that's pretty messed up". In the past I've already re-framed situations where what I said ends up getting interpreted differently without reacting or explaining myself and so nothing ensues and the conversation continues merrily. There's the rare exception where someone still sticks to their objection/argument and at that point it's a free-for-all, but usually, that's when the other person has a stronger frame than you or is just trying be a hard-ass. This should be a positive skill to have, but sometimes I feel like it's a bit scummy. It's like I'm cheating or re-framing someone else's literal interpretation of the world around them. That's a lot of power to have.

So from your experience, when does this get to the level of manipulation, as opposed to doing it for the greater good of the relationship?